Category Archives: Gentlemen

Happy Friday 5 – Love him like you own him.

Kernut the Blond Posted on by

[Note: On or about Fridays, I’m posting five things that I’m enjoying, that inspire me, or that make me happy. I’m totally ripping off this concept from Tim Ferriss’ 5-Bullet Friday. Where Tim’s five bullet points are typically highly useful mini life hacks and recommendations, mine are semi-useful life hacks mixed with more fluff, which means a cute puppy or kitty picture here and there or something about dating/sex/romance/relationships.]

Love on the beach.

Love on the beach.

Love him/her like you own him/her.

Here’s your Happy Friday 5:

What I’m reading again: Gerald Rogers’ viral article “Marriage Advice I wish I would have had…” Twenty tips on how to have an exceptional relationship. Check out and take note of #1, #4, #8, #12… aww heck, they’re all fantastic. Take note, young suitors.

What I’m listening to: “Cleveland County Blues” by John Moreland. Hella moving lyrics. It’s about a tornado in Oklahoma, but not really a tornado. (Don’t ask, just play it.) My favorite line: “I could bury all the memories. I could patch up all the holes. But I’d still feel your fingers on my soul.” This song has left fingerprints on mine.

What I’m taking: St John’s Wort. Touted as a ‘mood-enhancing’ herb, this over-the-counter supplement is having interesting (and rather positive) effects on things other than my mood. I was taking it before my surgery early last year but, per my doctor’s request, I stopped taking it before the operation. Even though I was given the “ok”, I didn’t continue after I was off the pain meds as I didn’t see a need. But, in an effort to stave off further bouts of depression, I started taking it again – and I’m really enjoying the effects. (Note: I am not a doctor, nor do I play one on the interwebs. Take this with a grain of salt, under a doctor’s supervision, and at your own risk.) But, wait! There’s more…

Indecent Proposals, part two

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If you haven’t already, read part one of Indecent Proposals here, or none of this post will make sense. All caught up? Ok, good.

Mouse having sex with a mouse.

This is like internet dating, but better.

He replied saying he was busy traveling for a few weeks. Then no other communication for two weeks, until I get the email below (in green). Apparently, he’d not been traveling as he said in his previous email. When reading his next email, with his thinly-veiled indecent proposal, keep in mind we have had one phone conversation and we have not met.

Dear Blond Lemming,

Good morning. I hope that you had a fabulous holiday weekend.

Are you making the move to (town to get away from the ex Speck) this week?

I’ve been catching up with friends and trying to get my back yard ready for a 3 week trip. I’m planning to leave this weekend, hopefully Saturday, to go to a conference in OH and then spend 2 weeks in MI. Then I’ll drive up through the Upper Peninsula and back down through WI. Should be a lovely time for a trip. I’m busy lining up appointments and visits now.

Sorry we haven’t met yet. We’ll have time to talk in the car if you want to ride along;-) I’m taking my friend’s kayak and am especially looking forward to the shores and inlets of Lake Superior. I’ll be passing through a lot of areas where wealthy Chicagoans have their summer homes. They might be good regions for your sales? Ready for an adventure?

Or a cup of coffee, of course;-)

With wanderlust,
Greenie

WTF? I’m thinking the “wander” portion of his signature was a typo on his part. And he wasn’t paying a bit of attention during our call if he thinks I sell door-to-door products, or anything, to homeowners.

Hi Greenie, But, wait! There’s more…

Fifty Shades Read Aloud by a Kernuttie

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Fifty Shades Read Aloud by New Yorkers

One of my readers, a New York construction worker, sent this clip of himself and a few other folks reading snippets of Fifty Shades aloud. It’s hilarious! They were “interviewed” for Late Night With Seth Meyers.

Craig Ferguson said the books are “vanilla” (ooohhh, Craig – I loved you before, but now I love you even more!). I’ve also heard the movie isn’t that good; it’s better to watch these videos. There are many other clips in the series, so have fun!!

I’m feeling slightly less jaded than last week. Yeah, there’s that.

Kernut the Blond Posted on by

I wrote most of the following post rant after the last of several crappy condescending and chauvinistic incidents in the three preceding weeks. Feel free to skip it. The quoted portion is what I wrote last week. I’ve since calmed down a bit and am now feeling slightly less jaded. I explain why at the end.

I alluded to this in my previous post and on my Facebook page. And a dozen times in my Match.com dating disasters.

<rant on> Recent events in Texas have reminded me of my pet peeve of too many superficial compliments, but few to none, nada, zip, zilch about anything substantial.

Am I really just a piece of pretty fluff?

In my previous post, I mentioned how much chauvinism and blatant objectification there is of women in the south. If I sound a bit, well, annoyed, you’re right. I’ve pretty much had my fill of it lately.

I’ve mentioned before how polite Texans are as a whole, but there is a dichotomy to their manners, at least those of some of the men. On one hand most are very polite, calling you ‘ma’am’, holding the door, insisting on paying for everything. But on the other hand some of those same men will just as quickly treat you like an object, or as if you are “less than” for being a woman. But, wait! There’s more…

The Yankee in Texas Cow Country. Part 2.

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As promised in the previous post, this is about the softer side of ranch life and farming. In the video below I got to ride in a tractor pulling a hay rake, and watch a baler make huge round bales, all while watching cowboys sweat. Coolest. Thing. Ever.

(Follow this link if you missed the first part with the video of a bull calf being castrated. It should be noted here that my Texan friends all chided me for the lengthy disclaimer about the bull calf castration video, while my Californian friends are mortified at just the thought. I truly never imagined how diverse this country is.)

In California I only ever saw rectangular (“square”) hay bales. When I arrived in Texas all I saw were round bales. Huge, cylindrical bales standing 6 feet tall and weighing roughly 1200 pounds.

Round bales in the field.

Round bales in the field.

Below is the round baler, one that has a tendency to jam up. It was good for me…  But, wait! There’s more…

Who invited the Yankee to Texas Cow Country, anyhow? Part 1.

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A Yankee in Texas Cow Country stands out like a sore thumb. Or as Texans would say, ‘A Yankee in Texas Cow Country is as scarce as hens teeth.’

My sincere apologies for not having posted in so long. I’m still here, and miss writing my crazy stories for you all very much. I started another part-time job, am still working at the park, and writing for Yahoo! on the side. No, I’m not getting rich – yet. But before my work-week turned into fifty-plus hours a week, I got to do this…

This ‘Yankee’, the name some Texans call me when they aren’t calling me ‘The Californian’ or ‘Cali’, went to a ranch to videotape someone cut the balls off bull calves.

NO, I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP.

Calves waiting for shots, tagging, and...

Calves waiting for shots, tagging, and…

This is cattle ranching, Texas style… a complete departure from the suburban life I lived before hitting the open road in my RV a year and a half ago. … But, wait! There’s more…

While enjoying the rain I learned I live in a sieve.

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It’s been hot here in central Texas, hotter than a whore on nickle night at the cat house. So when the rains and cool weather came – without terrifying winds – we all enjoyed it immensely. I can’t tell you how wonderful it has been to wear pants and long-sleeved shirts for the first time in over six months.

So there I was, sitting at the computer in cozy sweat-outfit bliss, trying to catch up on email, etc. while listening to the soothing plip-plop of soft rain on the roof.

Then I heard a SPLAT-SPLAT. Huh, I thought, that drip was louder than the others.

I start to go back to my Facebooking typing when I had a second thought (yes, two in less than a minute – we wouldn’t want to tax ourselves).

Uh-oh… My mouth dropped open as my head snapped up and my focus zeroed in on the drips coming from under the entertainment center. (Feel free to insert a stream of your own dirty words.)

The RV sprung a leak, again, and in almost the same spot as last year. Some of you may recall the time when the windows let in rain. Thank goodness I was home this time, too.

While it feels at times like the Universe is conspiring against me lately with several RV issues happening all at once and myriad other things which you’ve likely been subjected to enjoyed reading, the Universe also seems to provide (sometimes) at the same time: The rain stopped while we spent a good two hours caulking the RV, the temperature was neither hot nor cold, and the rangers once again came to my rescue.

Caulking isn't just for breakfast anymore.

With caulk in her hand? Covered in caulk? There’s a joke in there somewhere. Feel free to post a better one in the comments, but remember my mom reads this blog so don’t go all perverted like that one commenter, ok? On an unrelated note, I chose this photo because my butt looks great. Sometimes, gravity works in your favor.

I would like to take this moment to express my gratitude to the wonderfully kind and helpful rangers at the park. Lets all say a nice little prayer of health and happiness and prosperity for them, ok? Seriously, now is a good time.

RV Slide Issues Update

And another Thank You But, wait! There’s more…

Braless in Bandera, Texas, the Cowboy Capital of the World

Kernut the Blond Posted on by

I made it to Bandera, Texas, the Cowboy Capital of the World. And it was good for me. 

Cowboy Capital of the World!

Cowboy Capital of the World!

Bandera is bangin’! It’s a small Texas Hill Country town full of real cowboys. (…) They’ve got something going on almost every night of the week.

And it’s going on bralessly. Apparently.

Braless in Bandera Texas

Somebody is braless in Bandera, Texas.

If you consider the number of bras hanging from the ceiling in this bar, virtually every woman is braless in Bandera, Texas. Is that how to rope a cowboy? I’m asking because I need to know. But, wait! There’s more…

They say ‘y’all’ in these here parts. UPDATED.

Kernut the Blond Posted on by

Texas is the land of ‘y’all’. I’d like to think I fit in when it comes to use of the local colloquialism, but I know I don’t because everyone still refers to me as “the California gal”.

A while back I wrote a post about a few of the colloquialisms found around the country, We Say Dude In These Here Parts. It was prompted by both my fascination with local colloquialisms and a friend visiting California from Meeneesooota.

Words you’ll need to know when coming to Texas.

‘Y’all’ is a conjunction of “you all”. Not usually said to an individual unless referring to that person’s family (who may not be present at the moment).

‘All y’all’ is the plural of the above.

Whataburger is a very popular fast food restaurant here in Texas. Regardless of how the word looks, it is pronounced – very quickly – ‘Waterbuger’. It took me a month to figure out what they were talking about.

Beall’s a department store, like a cross between Kohl’s and Macy’s, is pronounced ‘Bell’s’. The “a” is ignored.

Wherya headin’?

San Antonio is referred to as But, wait! There’s more…

Put the hooker in the box, and the bird in the closet.

Kernut the Blond Posted on by

No, wait. I think Charlie Sheen said ‘Put the hooker in the closet‘.

Ok, then the bird should go in the box. Got it. Good thing, too, since the closet is quiet full of my clothes and skeletons.

A closet full of clothes and skeletons.

There's hardly enough room for the skeletons, let alone hookers.

As many of you may know, I have a penchant for rescuing wounded things. Birds. Mammals. Men. One might assume that while driving around the country I would not have as much opportunity for rescuing wounded beings.

Sadly, no. Like moths to a flame, they seem to find me wherever I am on the planet. 

They may leave for a brief period to temp the fate of being eaten by a hawk or to join the circus. And when I say one left to join the circus, believe it or not I am NOT referring to one of the rescued animals. One now-ex-boyfriend actually left for a brief period with the intention of joining the circus.

!!!

I couldn’t make this stuff up if I tried.

But, wait! There’s more…