Tales From the RV Park: The Pig Got Poked

This is another episode of Tales From the RV Park, stories from the RV parks where I’ve camped. Disclaimer: These stories are fictitious, happened in nightmares, are hearsay, and/or are what others recounted to me. I am part Irish, so there is likely a good deal of exaggeration. The names have been changed to protect the not-so-innocent. There is no relation to persons living, dead, or in jail, even if you think so. In other words, don’t bother trying to sue me.

It's a shame you can't buy common sense like you can buy deodorant.

It’s a shame you can’t buy common sense like you can buy deodorant.

Word of the Day: Farrow. When your pig got poked and is due to have a litter of piglets. The gestation period is generally three months, three weeks, and three days.

The pig is pregnant.

There can be pigs at RV parks. Because this is the country, folks.

The pig, who I’ll call the Baconator because there will be bacon, Continue reading

UPDATED: Surgery Update: She Lived To Tell About It

Hello my Lovely Kernutties!

This is a quick note to update those of you who don’t follow me on Facebook or Twitter.

I survived surgery.

The end.

(Bwahahahaaa. I crack me up! Ok, so I’m probably the only one who found that funny, but whatever, it’s my blog. NO, dammit, it is not the pain meds that made me write that. Sheesh.)

They gave me socks in exchange for my uterus.

They gave me socks in exchange for my uterus.

Ok, so you want non-gory details… (gory details and pics are at the very bottom, beneath a huge warning.)

I got a pair of socks in exchange for my uterus. (See above photo for picture of socks, pictures of uterus available upon request.)

The long-awaited surgery FINALLY happened Tuesday morning. I got home late Wednesday night, and it is now Thursday afternoon.

My patient advocate is terrific! Besides being a truly kind and caring person, she really got things moving forward for me. She came to visit me right after surgery and again the next day. She is continuing to monitor my situation and report back to all involved. Knowing how much she has helped me when I had no one in my corner made me want to do that for others. I’m not sure what is required to be a Patient Advocate, but I would love to help others as she helped me when I needed it most.

And the nurses at Continue reading

Fifty Shades Read Aloud by a Kernuttie

Fifty Shades Read Aloud by New Yorkers

One of my readers, a New York construction worker, sent this clip of himself and a few other folks reading snippets of Fifty Shades aloud. It’s hilarious! They were “interviewed” for Late Night With Seth Meyers. I hear the movie isn’t that good; it’s better to watch these videos or buy the books.

There are many other clips in the series, so have fun!!

You can put your boots in the oven

…but that doesn’t make them biscuits.

(A Texas saying that means, “You can say whatever you want about something, but that doesn’t change what it is.” It has nothing to do with this post other than it is also about boots.)

This is a short post today. You’re welcome.

There are boots in Texas. Right, you knew that.

But really, there are boot shops in every town. What better way to advertise than to put a huge boot in front of your shop. This is Texas after all, where everything is bigger.

Giant cowgirl boot in Bastrop, Texas.

Giant cowgirl boot in Bastrop, Texas.

This is Continue reading

Why We Have Pets

Why do we have pets?

This even looks like Pye. A friend sent it. It's from http://icanhas.cheezburger.com/lolcats .

This even looks like Pye. (From http://icanhas.cheezburger.com/lolcats)

Not that I don’t sometimes wonder why I have Pye as a pet, but my question is why do we have pets in general?

We feed, shelter, groom and care for these foreign-looking beings. They’re covered in fur, walk on four paws, and may make a lot of noise. They scratch or dirty the furniture, and often make messes in inappropriate places. (Like when Pye peed on my bed because I was losing my shirt at WinStar without her.) They may even bite or scratch.

Yet, we pet owners tolerate it all. The question is, Why?

My mom recently recounted a story about her cat Zaki barfing on the bed after a traumatic experience at the groomer’s. Ah, the joys of kitty ownership! Hairballs Continue reading

Unsolicited Advice. Let’s all sing “Let It Go”

Author’s note: This is another rant. I apologize. My doctor tells me that after the surgery, my hormones will be back to normal and I’ll feel a lot better. I’ll be stuck at home for two weeks and plan to do some writing about happy stuff, and possibly posting pics from my surgery. (Warnings will be posted for the squeemish.)

Unless you like unsolicited advice, don’t ever tell your relatives or close friends you’ve got a serious illness.

I’m just saying.

Remember when I blogged about looking for a common-law husband with good insurance because ObummerCare sucks? (No, I didn’t find a husband.) I might have mentioned needing surgery.

Well, I do. It’s major surgery, but nothing that millions of women haven’t gone through. Side note: Those of you men hoping I would someday birth your children, well… sorry, but that ship is about to sail.

But here’s the thing that I’m going to rant about…

Do not ever tell your family you’re sick. I know, that sounds horrible. I used to be just like you all, thinking keeping the health secret was a terribly cruel thing to do to your family. They only want to be there for you because they care, they just want to “help”! Continue reading

Black Gold, Texas Tea. Oil, that is.

Black Gold. Texas Tea. Oil, that is.

It’s a good thing I’ve become a teetotaler because Texas is full of tea… but it’s black tea. As in oil. My drink of choice happens to be tea made from leaves. But I’d be happy to have a property full of Texas tea. (Unless it’s the Lipton all Texas restaurants serve exclusively – I don’t care for that stuff. Blech.)

What you get from your first barrel of oil from you oil well. Apparently a sought after item. Well, duh!

What you get from your first barrel of oil from your oil well. Apparently a sought after item. Well, duh. You have no idea what I had to do to get this bottle.

A brief (probably inaccurate) education of Texas Black Gold

(followed by lots of pictures for my Playboy-style, pics-only readers)

The Eagle Ford Shale, which runs diagonally through Texas, is one of the highest oil producing formations in the US and possibly the world. It’s also been right under my rear end for most of the time I’ve been in south Texas. Unfortunately, this doesn’t mean I get any of the oil and gas royalties. Continue reading

Oh my, how you’ve changed

Happy New Year, my dear Kernutties!

New Year’s is my favorite holiday, for a lot of reasons, but mostly for the fresh beginning. (I’ve always held a secret desire to get married on New Year’s Day.) I read something today that said we don’t have to wait a whole year, but instead can make every day a Happy New Day.

So, Happy New Day!

Today, January 1st, 2015, I turned fourteen years sober. That day is a bit unique as a sobriety date and people often ask me, “How did you do it?”

“I passed out before midnight on December 31st,” I deadpan. (Only alcoholics will get this.)

Most folks answer, “One day at a time.”

The truth is it had nothing to do with passing out before midnight; I couldn’t have done it without the fellowship, and those who’ve gone before me, lighting the way. Thank you all, for my sobriety.

This includes my readers – you have been there for me, too, whether you know it or not. Your comments, your emails, even those of you who don’t contact me (I see your numbers in the stats), just knowing you’re out there and interested enough to read my drivel makes me feel connected to you all in some small way and I love you for it.

Since it’s my sober birthday, I get to write what I want. Today I want to write one of my less-than-stellar “poems” (for lack of a better word). It doesn’t rhyme well, and it’s probably grammatically incorrect (not that I’d know). This one isn’t even happy or funny, but this blog doubles as my therapist. Sorry. Feel free to skip this and come back for the next post, which is bound to be better by default.

Continue reading

WinStar in Oklahoma – Largest Casino in the US, and the place I lost my shirt.

I lost my shirt in Oklahoma. On Christmas. Ok, so I didn’t really lose my shirt. Mostly because I didn’t have enough money to gamble with in the first place. But it was fun, and I got to check another state, and another Largest/Smallest oddity off my bucket list.

Pye, sitting on my suitcase, wanting to go.

Pye wanted to try gambling. I figured she’d done enough of that the time she stowed away in the RV chassis for 150 miles.

Christmas in a Casino – It’s not sinning if you’re winning.

Yup, I spent Christmas in a casino. But it wasn’t just any casino: WinStar World Casino is the largest casino in the U.S. It’s in Thackerville, Oklahoma, just across the Texas border on Highway 35.

Some folks considered gambling on Christmas blasphemous. I’m not one of them. And it seems I’m not alone – the place was booked solid. There were no more rooms available.

I went with a friend from the RV park in Pizzaville (population: 12, probably). We met up with my sweet Calif/Texan friend. I lost all my money. They both won. A lot.

I blame my family for my gambling losses.

Continue reading

Looking For a Common Law Husband

Texas is a Common Law state. According to Findlaw.com, you can say you’re married and that’s it. No ceremony, no nothing.

Yet one more reason Texas is awesome.

I’m looking for a common law husband. Why? Because I need health insurance.

Those of you unhappily married may be asking why I don’t just get ObummerCare (intentionally misspelled) instead of going through marriage, common law or not. ObummerCare is too expensive – even with the low-income subsidy. The good hospitals won’t take the cheapest plans out there. That seriously limits my choices to providers you’ve actually heard of.

<Obummer rant on>

I’m going to momentarily digress to get political…

My long-time readers (if there are any of you left after my recent absence – thank you!) know I’m not one to get on political rants, but my recent experience trying to sign up for ObummerCare has prompted this one.

Texans tend to be a might prejudiced against anyone who once lived in California, even if you weren’t born there, like myself. Whenever Obama is mentioned in a conversation, someone invariably looks over at me and makes some comment about my having voted for him – just because I once lived in California.

I did not vote for Obummer. Have y’all not see my We’re in an Obamanation gear on Zazzle? That’s been on my site for far longer than ObummerCare has been around.

<Obummer rant off>

Why does a mature 40-something 29-year-old, dammit! woman like myself care about health insurance? Continue reading