Black Gold, Texas Tea. Oil, that is.

Black Gold. Texas Tea. Oil, that is.

It’s a good thing I’ve become a teetotaler because Texas is full of tea… but it’s black tea. As in oil. My drink of choice happens to be tea made from leaves. But I’d be happy to have a property full of Texas tea. (Unless it’s the Lipton all Texas restaurants serve exclusively – I don’t care for that stuff. Blech.)

What you get from your first barrel of oil from you oil well. Apparently a sought after item. Well, duh!

What you get from your first barrel of oil from your oil well. Apparently a sought after item. Well, duh. You have no idea what I had to do to get this bottle.

A brief (probably inaccurate) education of Texas Black Gold

(followed by lots of pictures for my Playboy-style, pics-only readers)

The Eagle Ford Shale, which runs diagonally through Texas, is one of the highest oil producing formations in the US and possibly the world. It’s also been right under my rear end for most of the time I’ve been in south Texas. Unfortunately, this doesn’t mean I get any of the oil and gas royalties. Continue reading

Oh my, how you’ve changed

Happy New Year, my dear Kernutties!

New Year’s is my favorite holiday, for a lot of reasons, but mostly for the fresh beginning. (I’ve always held a secret desire to get married on New Year’s Day.) I read something today that said we don’t have to wait a whole year, but instead can make every day a Happy New Day.

So, Happy New Day!

Today, January 1st, 2015, I turned fourteen years sober. That day is a bit unique as a sobriety date and people often ask me, “How did you do it?”

“I passed out before midnight on December 31st,” I deadpan. (Only alcoholics will get this.)

Most folks answer, “One day at a time.”

The truth is it had nothing to do with passing out before midnight; I couldn’t have done it without the fellowship, and those who’ve gone before me, lighting the way. Thank you all, for my sobriety.

This includes my readers – you have been there for me, too, whether you know it or not. Your comments, your emails, even those of you who don’t contact me (I see your numbers in the stats), just knowing you’re out there and interested enough to read my drivel makes me feel connected to you all in some small way and I love you for it.

Since it’s my sober birthday, I get to write what I want. Today I want to write one of my less-than-stellar “poems” (for lack of a better word). It doesn’t rhyme well, and it’s probably grammatically incorrect (not that I’d know). This one isn’t even happy or funny, but this blog doubles as my therapist. Sorry. Feel free to skip this and come back for the next post, which is bound to be better by default.

Continue reading

WinStar in Oklahoma – Largest Casino in the US, and the place I lost my shirt.

I lost my shirt in Oklahoma. On Christmas. Ok, so I didn’t really lose my shirt. Mostly because I didn’t have enough money to gamble with in the first place. But it was fun, and I got to check another state, and another Largest/Smallest oddity off my bucket list.

Pye, sitting on my suitcase, wanting to go.

Pye wanted to try gambling. I figured she’d done enough of that the time she stowed away in the RV chassis for 150 miles.

Christmas in a Casino – It’s not sinning if you’re winning.

Yup, I spent Christmas in a casino. But it wasn’t just any casino: WinStar World Casino is the largest casino in the U.S. It’s in Thackerville, Oklahoma, just across the Texas border on Highway 35.

Some folks considered gambling on Christmas blasphemous. I’m not one of them. And it seems I’m not alone – the place was booked solid. There were no more rooms available.

I went with a friend from the RV park in Pizzaville (population: 12, probably). We met up with my sweet Calif/Texan friend. I lost all my money. They both won. A lot.

I blame my family for my gambling losses.

Continue reading

Looking For a Common Law Husband

Texas is a Common Law state. According to Findlaw.com, you can say you’re married and that’s it. No ceremony, no nothing.

Yet one more reason Texas is awesome.

I’m looking for a common law husband. Why? Because I need health insurance.

Those of you unhappily married may be asking why I don’t just get ObummerCare (intentionally misspelled) instead of going through marriage, common law or not. ObummerCare is too expensive – even with the low-income subsidy. The good hospitals won’t take the cheapest plans out there. That seriously limits my choices to providers you’ve actually heard of.

<Obummer rant on>

I’m going to momentarily digress to get political…

My long-time readers (if there are any of you left after my recent absence – thank you!) know I’m not one to get on political rants, but my recent experience trying to sign up for ObummerCare has prompted this one.

Texans tend to be a might prejudiced against anyone who once lived in California, even if you weren’t born there, like myself. Whenever Obama is mentioned in a conversation, someone invariably looks over at me and makes some comment about my having voted for him – just because I once lived in California.

I did not vote for Obummer. Have y’all not see my We’re in an Obamanation gear on Zazzle? That’s been on my site for far longer than ObummerCare has been around.

<Obummer rant off>

Why does a mature 40-something 29-year-old, dammit! woman like myself care about health insurance? Continue reading

Tales From the Office: The Spider is Getting Some, and Breaking Bad Blue

The Spider is Getting Some – Right Now!

Last we left off, my coworker “Spiderman” found someone to whom he could pimp his spider out for a long weekend in Dallas, was requesting transportation to Dallas for his horny male spider.

You new folks may still not realize I do not make this stuff up. Hang around a while and you’ll see little corners of the world you did not know, or perhaps ever wanted to know, existed. You’re welcome. I consider this a service in line with Public Service Announcements.

Back to the pimpin out of one of Spiderman’s numerous (30+ and growing) spiders.

We may rejoice! The spider is getting laid. The ride for the horny spider to spend a long weekend with a female of the same species has finally taken place.

As I mentioned in a previous post, Spiderman was quickly able to find a nearby mate for his spider through Facebook. Facebook is the place to hook your spider up for a weekend away with other spiders.

Mark Zuckerberg must be proud. When he helped create Facebook, he was probably thinking it would be a great arena for humans to hook up. Little did he know…

Update on the Breaking Bad Office Trailer

(If you have no idea what I’m talking about, read: Tales From the Office: It’s An Episode of Breaking Bad.) Continue reading

Tales From the Office: It’s An Episode of Breaking Bad

Fear not, my dear Kernutties, fans of Breaking Bad, Walter White is alive and well and living in Texas… posing as my boss.

But before we get to that, let’s recap what the new job has been like over the last few months:

In my first couple weeks there, I was quarantined with Roscoe the Racoon. (The update to that post is here.)

Also living in the office was a giant (pet) katydid, Cletus. In addition, one coworker, Spiderman, has over 30 pet spiders, six pet snakes, centipedes, lizards, gekkos, and probably a bunch of other stuff it’s better I not know about.

For those of you following the Spider Prostitution ring, as of a couple weeks ago the spider had not yet been pimped out for the hot weekend in Dallas, nor the trip to New Mexico. (I have no idea what the delay might be, but I’m starting to feel sorry for the little guy. He just wants some lovin’.) I will keep you posted should he get laid.

Meanwhile, I did discover the source of the Spider Prostitution Network… Continue reading

Tales From the RV Park: Perpetually Plastered Goes to the Pokey

This is another episode of Tales From the RV Park, stories from the RV parks where I’ve camped. Disclaimer: These stories are fictitious, happened in nightmares, are hearsay, and/or are what others recounted to me. I am part Irish, so there is likely a good deal of exaggeration. The names have been changed to protect the not-so-innocent. There is no relation to persons living, dead, or in jail, even if you think so. In other words, don’t bother trying to sue me.

It's a shame you can't buy common sense like you can buy deodorant.

It’s a shame you can’t buy common sense like you can buy deodorant.

Perpetually Plastered (first introduced here) has done it again.

But let me back up a bit… Perpetually Plastered got his first DUI at 13. Yes, thirteen years old. He wasn’t legally old enough to drive, let alone drink. I learned this when I ran a little background check on him and came across an old newspaper article from his home town. The arresting officer was quoted as saying, ‘I think this may be some kind of record. I don’t think I’ve ever arrested someone this young for a DUI.’ The fact that a juvenile’s (PP at the time) name was printed in the article is surprising, but there it was. He got another DUI at the age of 18 in the same town. Continue reading

Tales From the RV Park: Peeing In My Yard

This is another episode of Tales From the RV Park, stories from the RV parks where I’ve camped. Disclaimer: These stories are fictitious, happened in nightmares, are hearsay, and/or are what others recounted to me. I am part Irish, so there is likely a good deal of exaggeration. The names have been changed to protect the not-so-innocent. There is no relation to persons living, dead, or in jail, even if you think so. In other words, don’t bother trying to sue me.

It's a shame you can't buy common sense like you can buy deodorant.

It’s a shame you can’t buy common sense like you can buy deodorant.

I apologize for the delays between posts. Things have been too busy (one of the reasons is detailed below). I’m also starting a new venture which, if it goes as planned, will mean more traveling for me. *happy dance* I will keep you all posted… pun intended. 

The RV park I moved in to less than two months ago has lots of well-maintained grass, a few highly desirable trees, laundry, rec room, a pool, and a river running along the edge of the park. By the looks of it, the park is lovely… from the outside.

It stayed that way for my first seven weeks there, until the owners decided to move in a large group of pipeline welders working in the area. Continue reading

Pimpin Out Spiders

There is a saying, “You learn something new every day.” It has always been my hope to help educate you all in some small way, or for this blog to perhaps be the place where you learned something new that day, no matter how minor.

I make no claims on the quality of the knowledge learned on this blog. In fact, anything learned here is likely to be a useless bit of trivia.

And that brings us to today’s tidbit of wisdom: Pimpin’ Out Spiders.

I didn’t know this was a “thing” until a few days ago.

Pimpin out spiders is not about dressing up your pet spider, or decorating it’s cage/box/ride. The phrase refers to the original use of the word “pimpin” – as in turning your spider out on the streets for money. Yes folks, we’re talking about Spider Prostitution.

To answer the question that just popped in to the heads of several of you, no, I don’t think spandex and high heels are required.

Those of you paying close attention may have already deduced I learned this bit of information from my arachnophile coworker, the cute young man with a massive collection of pet spiders. I’ll call him Spiderman to protect his anonymity.

Here’s how I learned about Spider Prostitution…

Spiderman turns to another coworker and asks Continue reading

Updates on Tales From the RV Park, The Office, and The Life of Pye

This is another episode of Tales From the RV Park, stories from the RV parks where I’ve camped. Disclaimer: These stories are fictitious, happened in nightmares, are hearsay, and/or are what others recounted to me. I am part Irish, so there is likely a good deal of exaggeration. The names have been changed to protect the not-so-innocent. There is no relation to persons living, dead, or in jail, even if you think so. In other words, don’t bother trying to sue me.

It's a shame you can't buy common sense like you can buy deodorant.

It’s a shame you can’t buy common sense like you can buy deodorant.

I forgot a few items in my last post:

The Office…

I forgot to mention Cletus, the huge five-inch katydid, was set free about a week ago. Yay!

No new insects have arrived (*knocks on wood*), but I did get to meet the arachnophile’s two Boas and one Python yesterday. Yes, I did pet them.

Any one of his 30-plus spiders freak me out a lot more than the snakes. I did request a tour, but I did not touch the spiders.

Where do I find these jobs??!

The Life of Pye…

Pye is still bonkers, bless her heart. She’s still a bit freaked out over Continue reading