Tag Archives: Zombies Are Coming

Tales From the RV Park: Kernut vs. Critters

Kernut the Blond Posted on by

 

If you’re just joining the saga of Kernut vs Zombie Rat, click here.

*sigh*

I hate glue traps. (I may be living in rural areas, but I am not a cowgirl. I am a Glamper, raised in the highly sheltered confines of the suburban ecosystem.)

In the saga of Kernut vs. Zombie Rat, the bait, rat, and snap trap had all disappeared, but were replaced with a plethora of poos. (Poos left by the rat, not by me… Just thought I should clarify that.)

In light of subsequent events, this saga will henceforth be called Kernut vs. Critters.

I hate glue traps. Have a I mentioned that before? Maybe once or twice?

Shortly after posting Kernut vs. Critters, part 1, I discovered a massive nest built on top of my RV gas tank. It had branches (complete with leaves), sticks, rags, a large drinking straw, a spoon, and a ball of shredded fibers the size of a cantaloupe. In addition, it was littered with a gazillion acorns and acorn shells.

I can only assume the drinking straw and spoon were used for the finer dining experiences.

Suspiciously missing from the massive nest were three pairs But, wait! There’s more…

Tales From the RV Park: Zombie Rat 8, Kernut 0

Kernut the Blond Posted on by

The zombie rat is winning.

Life in an RV includes unwanted critters, more so than with a regular home. It’s a fact of RV life… you’re often in or near beautiful, undeveloped areas, the kind of undeveloped areas where most wild critters live. I’m about ten minutes or less from civilization, but still in a fairly undeveloped area. It’s lovely and peaceful and full of everything from deer to mice, and a few mosquitoes.

I began hearing things “go bump in the night” a few weeks ago: a bump on the underside of the RV, a bump in the front. I wondered what critter had enough body mass to make a thud that reverberated through the chassis. And then Pye started sitting in the well of the driver’s seat, where your feet go, staring at the wall that separates the peddles from the engine.

She began sitting there all. night. long. So, I began searching for evidence of what she heard.

I found rodent foot prints all over the engine, some evidence of chewed insulation and wire covering. (Rat 1, Kernut 0)

I got out the mothballs, covered the area with them. I was unable to get the round mothballs to stay put in the vertical engine, and the rat seemed undeterred by the mothballs in its path. (Rat 2, Kernut 0)

I graduated to a metal snap trap, and set it with cheese… But, wait! There’s more…

Two heads are better than one shrunken head. Possibly.

Kernut the Blond Posted on by

Just a short 30-minute drive from Stonehenge II, and the Giant Stone Heads in Ingram, Texas is Bandera. Some of you may remember my post Braless in Bandera, The Cowboy Capital of The World (sorry guys, it’s not what some of you may be hoping for – at least not in my case).

In addition to the apparently many braless ladies in Bandera, there is a museum. Ah, but you know me so well! I wouldn’t tell you all about just any museum. No, no, I only tell you all about the weird, the wacky, and the wonderful! This museum is a combination of both weird and wacky. So much so, I will have to tell you about it in two, maybe three, posts.

It’s All In Your Shrunken Head

It would seem the Ingram-Bandera area has a thing for heads. Today I bring you a two-headed goat, and a couple shrunken heads, one of which is human. (If you’re squeamish you might want to read something else, like Cat-butt-tongue water or watch the bull castration video I made on a Texas ranch. On second thought, if you’re squeamish you probably stopped reading this blog a long time ago. Ok, never mind.)

I’d been in Bandera a couple times before I realized the sedately named Frontier Times Museum was a welcome journey into the weird and the wacky. Oh sure, they have some old frontiery stuff there, but really, do I care about that? Not so much.

Then someone told me about the “Two-headed Things Museum” in Bandera. ‘Two-headed things’?? My people!! Where is this? How could I have missed this? Ah, yes. I judged that book museum by its cover title.

First thing I asked when I walked in, “You have two-headed things here, right?” In my head, “Because I’m not staying if you don’t.”

The docent gave a slight smile as if she was thinking, “Oh, joy. Here’s another one. I wish we had a sign so I could stop answering this question sixteen times a day.”

Me, after she nodded, “Where are they?”

She kindly pointed to one two-headed thing, and then said there was another two-headed rodent – somewhere in the museum. She also pointed out some shrunken heads. Holy Shrunken Grapes, Batman!

Are Two Heads Better Than One?

Without further ado, the two-headed goat…  But, wait! There’s more…

I told my therapist about you. Because the zombie apocalypse is coming and you need a shirt.

Kernut the Blond Posted on by

 

By now you’re all aware of The Great RV Roll-about.

Maybe more so than you’d like.

Hey, it could be worse – this could be another post about my cat.

For those of you living vicariously through my experiences, I thought you’d like a few t-shirts and bumper stickers from places you haven’t yet been.

If you have a shirt that says “I stood on the corner in Winslow, Arizona” or a bumper sticker that says “I’ve been to Purgatory and back… Purgatory Correctional Facility, Utah” people will think you’ve been there.

And that you’re cool. Naturally.

No need to tell them you haven’t been.

Or, if you have been there, now you can get the shirt you forgot to buy.

Yup, I’m helpful that way. You’re welcome.

But, wait! There’s more…

“The Thing” in Dragoon, Arizona? It’s a dead thing.

Kernut the Blond Posted on by

First, Tombstones in Tombstone and now a Dead Thing in Dragoon.

(SPOILER ALERT: If you plan to see “The Thing?”, as advertised on the many signs along Highway 10 in Arizona, don’t read any further. They make an effort to keep The Thing? a secret until you get inside the third and last building in the little gas station/museum. However, photos of it are widely published on the internet, and the employee I spoke with said it was ok to write this article and include my photos. It’s totally worth the $1 entrance fee!)

If you’ve ever driven around southeastern Arizona, you’ve seen one of the 247 signs advertising “The Thing?”.

The mysterious Thing.

Every mile or so on I-10 there’s a sign:

“The Thing? What is it?”

“Mystery of the desert”

“Don’t miss The Thing?”

“You’re only 16 miles from The Thing?”

“See The Thing?”

247 signs. TWO-HUNDRED AND FORTY-SEVEN signs. In an often barren landscape with little else to look at you are their captive audience.

OK, FINE. I’ll see the damn Thing! 

But, wait! There’s more…

How A Panicky Lemming Prepares For Major Disasters

Kernut the Blond Posted on by

We interrupt our regularly scheduled post on my Match.com Misadventures to provide you all with much needed disaster preparedness information. You’re welcome.

I'm sure this is what California will look like after THE BIG ONE.

I'm sure this is what California will look like after THE BIG ONE.

As y’all know I can be a bit panicky at times, while simultaneously possessing a tendency to do stupid things, much like a lemming would hurl itself off a perfectly good cliff for no apparent reason, or like when I ran from Martin Sheen when he was trying to rescue me.

You know, like normal folks wouldn’t.

After the massive explosion (caused by a faulty PG&E pipeline) in nearby San Bruno took out a whole neighborhood, I decided I needed a real, up-to-date emergency preparedness kit.

I know, I know. You think someone as panicky as myself, and also a Red Cross volunteer, would already have that covered. This is the point where I prove to you folks I don’t dye my hair.

Blond is the real color, people. But, wait! There’s more…

My Zombie Ate Your Honor Student – UPDATED

Kernut the Blond Posted on by

First, my undying love and gratitude to those of you who purchased items from my “Zombie Life Is Good” store.

You. Guys. Are. Awesome.

(I still can’t believe it’s not really my family buying stuff, but they swear.)

In a burst of creativity, spurred by a plethora of weird match.com men, cling-ons, and utterly dull coffee dates, I made a few new things. I told several I was too busy “working” to go out with them. I was making these t-shirts. Yup, totally busy working.

My Zombie Ate Your Honor Student

My Zombie Ate Your Honor Student

My Zombie Ate Your Honor Student - and he was tasty.

But, wait! There’s more…

Human or Zombie?

Kernut the Blond Posted on by
I zombied myself. This is also what I'll look like when I'm 80.

I zombied myself. This is also what I’ll look like when I’m 80.

In honor of Halloween, I’ve decided to assimilate.

They say it will only hurt a little in the beginning.

The other night I watched Daybreakers with Ethan Hawke. No, not with him in my living room, he’s in the movie. But you probably knew he wouldn’t be in my living room. (Great movie, by the way.)

At the very beginning, before you can start the movie, it asks you to choose: Human or Vampire.

I chose Zombie, obviously.

“Why?”, you ask. Let me explain…

One reason is this:

Zombieland Survival Quiz

Your Result: 1-25

you will be sure to die the first day of a zombie outbreak u will be eaten by a horde of zombies and wont stand a chance cause your an idiot when it come to zombies
26-50
51-75
76-100
Zombieland Survival Quiz
Quiz Created on GoToQuiz

(In bad English) It says I’ll survive ONE DAY! ONE DAY, PEOPLE! It also calls me an idiot when it comes to zombies. Ok, FINE. IT’S ON!

As if that wasn’t enough, and it is, the other reason is this: But, wait! There’s more…

The Gruesome Death of A Fly

Kernut the Blond Posted on by

The Death of A Fly

Aren’t you glad you come here? Where else could you get such fascinating news as this? Nowhere, trust me.

A recent post about the death of a fly by my hot bloggy friend, A Vapid Blonde, reminded me of the torture we used to inflict as children on flies by making them pilots of small planes.

Criminal profilers say torturing small animals and insects is first act of future serial killers. Just a bit of foreshadowing that probably explains a lot about me now. And probably why I blog.

When we were little, my father taught us how to build small, light-weight paper airplanes. (I’ll skip the details of the airplane construction because I’d rather not contribute to the delinquency of other minors. Unlike my father. Hi Dad! He taught us all the great stuff like shooting, playing poker, and torturing flies by making them pilots.)

After capturing the fly, But, wait! There’s more…

Greeting Cards for The Zombie Apocalypse

Kernut the Blond Posted on by
Zombie Defense Classes

Ascension Martial Arts in San Jose, CA is offering Zombie Defense Classes - These people are THINKING AHEAD. We need to do the same.

I’m sure by now you’ve all heard of the impending Zombie Apocalypse.

No? Please catch up – if not for your sake, then for the sake of others. This is no time to be selfish.

Governments have even done studies on the (un) likelihood civilization as we know it will survive a zombie attack. Our (usually none-too-bright) Government knows the Zombie Apocalypse is coming.

We sure can’t trust THEM to protect us, people. It’s the Government y’all – they’ll probably be the ones who CREATE the zombies.

An earlier post, Zombie attack Plan – Got One?, includes quizzes you can take on the likelihood of surviving a Zombie Attack. (Go ahead and take the quizzes, we’ll wait.)

If you don’t do well on the quizzes, don’t worry – these guys can help: A local martial arts company is now offering Zombie Defense Classes. (No, they’re not paying me. In fact, they don’t even know I’m writing this. When they find out, I hope they like the post because, really, they could kick my ass if they don’t. They kick ass for a living, people.)

Their tag line? “Close Combat Techniques… because you WILL run out of ammo.”

Seriously, they’re right. You will.

They ask us ‘When the dead rise, will you be able to dispatch them with a simple smile on your face and a witty comeback on your lips?’

I think not.

These guys are really smart – they’re thinking ahead. They’re thinking OUTSIDE of the Zombie box, people. We need to do the same or we’re going to be left behind.

That’s when I came up with the idea for Zombie Apocalypse Greeting Cards But, wait! There’s more…