Zombies, RV Life, and Random Craziness
Pimpin my affiliates… Seriously, this blog can not survive on my writing alone.
Graphic Details of Intimate Moments Sex Blog and Adult Toy Store
|
By Kernut, on November 21st, 2011%
Or “The time my laptop died, and the windows let in the rain.”
Believe it or not, these things are not related.
Don’t worry, the post about the naked guy in Quartzsite is still coming, but there’s been a slight delay…
The Sacred Laptop, holder of all photos, articles, and videos, has decided to take a vacation… just when I have a deadline for a Yahoo! News article. All 200 photos of Slab City, the town on which the article is based, are on said dead laptop, along with the aforementioned, soon-to-be-due article.
I’ve rewritten the article from (what’s left of my) memory and notes. If worse comes to worst, I do have ONE back up photo. Just one photo for the article. I certainly would have preferred choosing several from the 200 photos, but at least I’ve got a Plan B.
Meanwhile, all is not lost. As a 30-year resident of Silicon Valley, some things you just learn by osmosis… like how to rescue your hard drive. It’s been a long time since I’ve done this, and some memories are hard to retrieve. Like what I had for breakfast this morning, never mind the basic programming I learned 20+ years ago. (And how do you get to the DOS prompt in Windows Vista??? Gees, it used to be so easy.)
The Yahoo! News article is due tomorrow (Tuesday). Yeah, no pressure.
As if The Universe thought that wasn’t enough, Don’t stop now! Continue reading UPDATED: Woman vs. Machine x 2
By Kernut, on June 3rd, 2011%
I know, I know. I can hear you all saying… ‘Kernut, who? Kernut the Blond? Hmm, that sounds vaguely familiar.’
Sorry. (Assuming you’ve missed me.) Honestly, I’ve missed you all.
Believe me, I’ve wanted to write, but I’ve got nothing.
A big fat nothing.
And I’m On My Way To Hell In A Hand Basket
 Limbo looks like this, just so you know. I feel like I’m in limbo. Waiting to get a great job (six months now, but I’m loving my freedom and mobility!). Waiting to start The Great Roll-About in my RV (more fantasy then reality at this moment, but it makes me happy to envision the possibilities). Waiting to win the lottery jackpot and/or become a multi-millionaire because I really don’t want to go back to work for someone else (see previous note).
Waiting for something to change so I can tell you about it.
Meanwhile? I’ve got nothing.
And without a steady income my apartment is quickly becoming an expensive luxury. Don’t stop now! Continue reading On My Way To Hell In A Handbasket, I Was Hugged By A Saint
By Kernut, on March 21st, 2011%
We interrupt our regularly scheduled post on my Match.com Misadventures to provide you all with much needed disaster preparedness information. You’re welcome.
 I'm sure this is what California will look like after THE BIG ONE. As y’all know I can be a bit panicky at times, while simultaneously possessing a tendency to do stupid things, much like a lemming would hurl itself off a perfectly good cliff for no apparent reason, or like when I ran from Martin Sheen when he was trying to rescue me.
You know, like normal folks wouldn’t.
After the massive explosion (caused by a faulty PG&E pipeline) in nearby San Bruno took out a whole neighborhood, I decided I needed a real, up-to-date emergency preparedness kit.
I know, I know. You think someone as panicky as myself, and also a Red Cross volunteer, would already have that covered. This is the point where I prove to you folks I don’t dye my hair.
Blond is the real color, people. Don’t stop now! Continue reading How A Panicky Lemming Prepares For Major Disasters
By Kernut, on December 14th, 2010%
When we left off in part 2, Martin Sheen and I were parked with driver’s-side windows together, our cars blocking the small neighborhood street. Meanwhile, the stalker in the white pickup was slowly coming up behind my car, most likely realizing I’d just obtained A-list mother-fucking help.
Oh, …and we learned that I’m as bright as a cliff-jumping lemming when panicked.
As the white pickup approaches our cars, he pulls over to the side of the road as – if waiting for me to finish my conversation – so he can then continue on with terrorizing me.
Martin says to me, “Turn your car around and pull up behind me. I got through to the Sheriff’s office and they’re going to meet us at the old Malibu station.” He said ‘US’ !!!  Yay Martin!
(It’s important to note two things here: A, The police agreed to come out for Martin Sheen – not when it was just little old, not-famous me calling, but for Martin. And B, The lazy cops still only agreed to meet us so far – at a station closed years before, in an empty parking lot about 15 minutes away from where we were now.)
I do as Martin says, and the stalker also starts to maneuver his car as if readying to make a u-turn like I did.
But then Martin Sheen, A-list megastar and rescuer of blond-haired lemmings, starts yelling at the stalker!!
*swoon* (somewhere a lemming just fainted)
Martin to stalker: “Hey! What are you doing terrorizing this woman?!!” Don’t stop now! Continue reading Martin Sheen To My Rescue (conclusion)
By Kernut, on December 11th, 2010%
When we left off, I had just realized I was being followed by some stranger in a beat-up pickup truck with dark tinted windows. If you missed part one you can read it here: The Time Martin Sheen Saved My Life. Part three (the conclusion) coming soon.
Trying to lose the strange vehicle stalking me, I quickly drove around corners and waited for him to pass by. Whenever he realized I was no longer in front of him, he would search the short streets for me. When he’d spot my car, I’d pull out and speed off in another direction. After one such turn, I got stuck in a dead end culdesac with him right behind me! I think it surprised him, too. Oddly enough, he didn’t block my exit, instead backing up to let me out of the narrow dead end.
Not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, after passing him I sped down another street.
Thinking I’m safer in this small neighborhood of nice houses, I’ve become afraid to return to the main highway that pretty much goes nowhere for 27 miles. But I’m frantically trying to call the police. Cell service on Point Dume? Damn near non-existent.
My calls to 911 kept getting cut off part way through. Unlike the police in Northern California, the 911 operators in LA just don’t give a shit, probably jaded by the many horrendous calls they get. They made no attempt to call me back when we got cut off. None. Had this been Northern California, the 911 operators would have blown up the phone trying to call back a terrified woman cut off during a 911 call. (To give you a little better idea of the police mentality down in LA, if you ever get pulled over for a DUI, just make a $2,500 donation to the police department and there will be no DUI. Heard stories of police brutality? All true. You’re not famous? Oh, no help for you until after your murder. That’s the treatment I was getting from 911. This probably also explains the high rate of homicide in LA: 911 is apathetic to your pleas for help.) Don’t stop now! Continue reading Martin Sheen Saved My Life (For Reals), Part 2
By Kernut, on December 7th, 2010%
I’ve been promising you all this post since I started this blog up again several months ago. I’ve held off until now because it was a terrifying experience for me, one that’s hard to relive. There’s another reason, too. This event is like a scene straight out of a movie, and includes a very famous actor. Most of you don’t know me personally (not that I hold much back on this blog! heh). So, up until now I worried you’d think I made it up, determine I’m prone to flights of fancy, and potentially even more bonkers than I admit to. But if you’ve stayed with me this far (and through the Holiday Letter From My Cat), I figure you’ll be with me after this. However bizarre it seems, this story is quite true. The Malibu Sheriff’s office probably has some record of it, too. And I’m no more bonkers than I’ve told you outright.
By the way – this is fairly long, so I’ve broken it up into a series of posts. I don’t know how many, because I’m still writing it. (Not quite the pro-blogger you thought I was, huh? <— dripping with tongue-in-cheek sarcasm) I’ll post one every few days or so. Probably ‘or so’.
The True Story of How Martin Sheen Saved My Life (yes, THE Martin Sheen)
‘Saved my life’ might be a bit of an overstatement, but that Saturday night nine years ago I was terrified for my life like I have never been before or since.
All I knew was this complete stranger was following me – everywhere. At first he kept his distance, following my car as I ran a few errands and headed for a 30-minute drive to Point Dume in Malibu. I could see he was male, with dark hair and skin, driving a beat-up white pickup truck with darkly tinted windows. (Beat-up cars, with darkly tinted windows were not at all common in Malibu.)
I couldn’t shake him. I tried evasive driving maneuvers, quickly turning corners, hiding down the hill. He searched the neighborhood until he found me each time.
Before I continue with the details of that terrifying night, let me provide a little backstory… Don’t stop now! Continue reading The Time Martin Sheen Saved My Life
By Kernut, on June 18th, 2010%
 Ok, I sobered up and posted this for you all. You're welcome. It looks normal now (two weeks later), but I have a hard lumpy little scar now. WTF?! That's worse than BEFORE. Just waiting to see if vision returns. Eye surgery is not for the meek.
Or for those prone to panic attacks.
Like me.
If this post doesn’t make sense and has more typos then usual, its because I’m on valium while I’m writing this. And I’m too high and tired to add pictures right now. Sorry.
Do you all remember some of my panic attacks? When Lost in the Crenshaw District of LA, Sacrifice The Blond, The Rain In Spain, and of course, Panic Much? FEAR = F*ck Everything And Run. (I can’t add the links now ’cause I’m too fuzzy. You can find them all on my One Trick Pony page tab.) UPDATE 2 Weeks later: I’ve sobered up, posted a post-op pic, and added links for you all. You’re welcome.
Well, you can add this puppy to my list of Big A** Panic Attacks.
No, it was not lasik surgery, or elective. I had to have a bump removed from my eyelid. I was quite fine with the small bump on the top of my lid, about the size of half a green pea, until it started causing astigmatism (loss of vision in what was once my good 20-10 eye). Yeah, totally sucky situation.
The good part is looking out of that one eye gives everyone a lovely soft-focus filter kind of look. I use that eye when I’m looking at myself in the mirror… it smooths out the wrinkles.
Not that I have any many.
The doctor said they could cut the bump out and my vision would probably return to normal. Oh, goody. Needles and knives NEAR MY EYE. I asked the doctor if I could just get eye glasses instead. Obviously.
He said no.
Sadist. Don’t stop now! Continue reading Too Much Valium Is Still Not Enough. Oh, And There Was Blood.
By Kernut, on May 28th, 2010%
This kind of weirdness permeated the entire trip. Permeated it like a thick black tar. Not unlike the crap washing ashore in Louisiana and Santa Barbara right this moment: That oil-drilling residue tar that just sticks to you and is damn near impossible to remove. Ever have that shit stuck on your feet? It’s hella hard to get off. . . . → Read More: The Rain In Spain Falls Mainly…
By Kernut, on May 26th, 2010%
 It’s like trying to reason with a lizard… that’s the part of the brain that’s active in times like these. Just try to tell a lizard what to do. Let me know how that goes. . . . → Read More: Panic Much? FEAR = F*ck Everything And Run
By Kernut, on February 25th, 2010%
 In an effort to end my, shall we say discomfort, Kahlil decides to speed up this catastrophe and ask directions from SOME RANDOM SHIFTLESS PERSON standing on the street corner. But not just any corner – Kahlil chooses the corner on my side of the car. I’d like to know what’s wrong with his side of the bulletproof car? Oh, that’s right: Sacrifice the blond. That’s what they always do in the movies. . . . → Read More: When Lost in the Crenshaw District of L.A., Sacrifice The Blond
|
“Like” me on Facebook. It will keep the zombies away. Maybe.
Adult Toys – December Sale, $5 to $10 off!! See GDIM sex blog for details. Graphic Details Adult Toy Store
Graphic Details of Intimate Moments Sex Blog
Zombie Apocalypse, Military, and Obamanation T-shirts, Mugs, and More!
|
Don’t Follow Me, I’m Lost.