Depression is a Bitch — 19 Comments

  1. As a long time reader of your blog from the outside i see a successful,winner that is you,i hope to one day be.

  2. As a recovering alcoholic and long-time sufferer of depression, I marvel at the willingness to pour a known depressant (alcohol) on top of my “blues”. I also try to put on the brave face many days and mask emotions with wit and pointing out the foibles of my lot in life. Keep fighting the good fight, and keep writing. It helps me, if no one else

  3. No surprise. Most people would never admit it. Anyone who ‘judges’ may be seeing themselves in what you write, and haven’t come to terms with it yet. It’s perfectly OK to be ‘you’, and to be as unique as you choose. That’s not advice, just an observation gleaned from the times we’ve been together for camping, travel, or camaraderie!

    Who made the rules / standards by which we judge ourselves, and how did some other people’s ideas of normal become a standard against how we judge our own quality? I don’t know.

    I wrestle my own set of demons, and I’m much older than you, and if I knew some answers, I’d be trying to hand out advice.

    I recently found out that 2 of my 4 adult children have ADD, and neither knew the other had been diagnosed or that the other was taking a medication. Now, “I know”, but because those two have different fathers, and because they are about 14 years apart in age, I am scrutinizing myself, because MY genes would be the common denominator if ADD is inherited. I even wonder IF perhaps they have their own personal ‘demons’ and have claimed ADD as an excuse. I have no idea! I ‘think’ they might be correctly diagnosed, because both have individually followed a similar pattern. Their ‘pattern’ has been 1.- not enjoying working in an ‘office’ situation, 2.- finding it a struggle to fit into an 8:00 – 5:00 routine, 3.- began working from home as soon as their company was “set up” for employees to work from home, 4.- found it extremely difficult to work from home because of various distractions and lack of set routine, 5.-went back to an office routine, driving 20+ miles at 6:30 a.m. in order to go back to working in a structured routine. 6.- were gradually diagnosed as having an attention deficit disorder and take both a medicine to help them remain attentive to their task at hand during the day, and both take a sleeping medicine at night to regulate their hours of sleep in order to be able to ‘perform’ in a structured office situation.

    I probably escaped the “Adult Attention Deficit Disorder” diagnosis for several reasons: It wasn’t known about in adults at the time, I compensated for it in other ways because I had the freedom to pick and choose what happened in my classroom, plus being able to walk around the room, talk to individual children, solve problems for others, and because no one day was like another, so that my interest level was always in motion. I think I was SAVED from having job problems because of the nature of being a teacher, and the opportunities to be doing original things while somewhat choosing my schedule.

    I find myself looking back on the different ‘glitches’ in my past careers, and how I navigated around each situation by being creative in my job, and using the old acronym “SCAMPER” to avoid detection or any suspicions that might have arisen in the minds of others.

    OK, that’s part of ‘my story’, and why I love having an RV sitting outside! Even though I haven’t used it often, knowing it is there lets me know I have a way to escape if those feelings arise.

    You always have a parking place in my big driveway, complete with electricity, water, and other amenities. I stay in the house a LOT, so I wouldn’t be bothering you much, because I’m a hoarder, and when I’ve felt lonely, I’ve ‘fed’ my loneliness by ‘collecting’ or buying THINGS to try and medicate my feelings of being lonely. Now I’m trapped among my possessions, and using it as an excuse for not traveling. It’s a lot of work chasing all of my demons! LOL I will survive! πŸ˜€


    • YOU. ARE. AWESOME! Thank you for sharing your story!

      My “rule” or “standard for living” was taught to me early on. “It’s not ok to have any kind of weakness, such as admitting chemical dependency, having any sort of emotional problem. Showing anything other than perfection to the outside world is not acceptable.” Everything had to look OK to everyone looking in from the outside. Going to a shrink and/or getting a prescription is considered taboo. I grew up with a whole herd of fucking pink elephants in the living room, consciously ignored. There are still quite a few.

      Lately, I’ve become very good at staying home. Not that I’m turning down anything other than dates with dickheads; I don’t have much of a social life in PA. It’s not like Texas, and I MISS THE FUCK out of “Texas/Southern Friendly”. I also don’t seem to have anything at all in common with the folks I am meeting. I may be (often lately) depressed as fuck, but I still have high hopes and dreams and a desire for forward movement when I’m not depressed. πŸ˜‰

      You would NOT be bothering me to come visit! And I promise next time I’m in Texas I am going to camp in your driveway – if you promise to come out and chat with me! πŸ™‚

      LOVE and HUGS!! xo

      *googles “SCAMPER” for future use* πŸ™‚

  4. Any follower who would leave your blog after an admission like this is not worth having. Your friends will be right here with you.

  5. Honey this is what I get for Pip and me.

    He has terrible depression at times. Works in 2-3 minutes.

    Its a synthetic copy of the pheromones people make when they are happy.

    Worth every penny. It not only makes you happy but everyone around you.

    I just buy that big one single strength.

    They have tiny samplers like this.

    But you will just turn around and order the big one anyway.

    His narcotics were $1,200 when his back went out, so you know I don’t have a problem finding or
    paying whatever is required for him. I think the $40 is a good deal for what it does for both of us.

    It really works.


    • Thank you so much! I will definitely try this!!

      How are you? How is it being a new RVer? Are you going to venture out and visit me?

      Hugs! xo

  6. Hi…I’ve followed your blog for a few years now and have even left the occasional small comment here and there. I believe in one of them I even told you that your revelations about life (that you are so kind to share with the rest of us!) helped me make the decision to start the next stage of my life as a traveling nomad. None of that has changed! πŸ™‚ You are still the awesome person that all of us that follow your blog know you to be! In fact, my respect for you has only gone up because only a very brave person would put out to the universe what you have…even though I know that pushing the “Send” button was incredibly hard. Bravery and strength come in all forms and I’m honored to be a witness to yours.

    • Wow, thank you, Dave! I remember, and I am honored to know I inspired you to launch your journey on the road. It means a great deal to me to know that I’ve inspired people to take the leap of faith and live their dreams. Thank you for reminding me. Sometimes I forget. πŸ™‚ And thank you for seeing the brave, strong woman you see in me.
      Safe travels! xo

  7. I totally agree with your tittle depression is bitch!, I can\’t even tell you when I was in depression how bad was life days and days just sitting in my bedroom not going out not even other rooms of mouse. All negative thinking coming in mind my family and friends did amazing job. So I recovered from this. Thanks for sharing your experience.

    • Thank you for commenting, and sharing your experience! Glad to hear you recovered, there is light at the end of the tunnel. Best of luck to you!

  8. Dear Ms. Kernut: You have no idea how hard it is for me to write this post. My laptop keyboard is FUBAR so I have to use my cursor (appropriately named) and on-screen-keyboard. Anyway…I just found your blog and was looking for a picture of you, curious to see what you looked like after reading a few of your stories when I found this post. Been there, doing that. Sober 14 years, forgot why, now for 9. Almost died a coupla times (that I know of)..When told by the Doc that the end was nigh, I thought to myself “what a waste..kinda like burning the Library at Alexandria”. Just bought a 27′ Travco and quit my job 3 weeks ago. Will split my time on my 32′ sailboat. Oddly depressed right now, maybe just confused, but certainly anxious. Just have to remember: ya never really know what’s gonna happen. You, Ms. Kernut, are a strong soul and an interesting, unique individual. Glad to have found you.

    • Hello, Craig, and welcome to my little piece of the interwebs!
      And thank you, thank you for sharing your story and thank you for the kind words.
      Yay for you hitting the open road! It’s so worth it! It’s simple, maybe not always easy, but I have every intention of doing this for many years to come. I hope you find the experience just as wonderful and amazing as I still do after five years! Safe travels!

  9. I’ve followed your blog on and off for years. Mostly when I get the urge to hit the road and see some of the world. I’ve totally enjoyed your writing and have to admit to even borrowing your “I,m in my own little world….” quote as It totally describes me. I understand it. In a way I feel a connection to your words.

    And now I know why.

    I too have struggled with ups, downs, depression, panic attacks whatever you care to call it for much of my life. It is terribly hard to admit. Even harder to keep that ‘perfect smile’ for all the world to see. The days where your body just feels so heavy that you can’t even stand, when the sight of anything, even things you like, makes you physically ill, can ONLY be understood by someone who has experianced it. Tell someone who hasn’t and the comment is along the lines of “oh, you just need some rest”. Bullshit, but maybe kicking you in the shins will make me smile in some perverse sort of way .

    Like all of us, I have found ways of dealing with my down days. Those days when I just feel like a toxic waste dump. I meditate. I go places in my mind. Calm, sunny places with nice people. Places I will someday go to for real. I guess you could call it my mental reset button. For now it works.

    And yes, pushing the ‘post comment’ button is hard as I’ve just told the world some of what only a very few people know about me. But, you, and the people who have commented, understand and maybe that will help us all deal with our struggles.

    • Welcome, Scott! Thank you so much for the comment, and for sharing your experience. I believe it has to help someone when we do share our struggles. At least, I sure hope it does, and that they know they aren’t the only one.
      Your line ‘Tell someone who hasn’t and the comment is along the lines of β€œoh, you just need some rest”. Bullshit, but maybe kicking you in the shins will make me smile in some perverse sort of way.’ had me laughing out loud!
      I highly recommend getting out and seeing the world. Do what you can to get an RV and hit the road!