Ten Things: Only in the country…

Kernut the Blond Posted on by

Remember the days when I used to post Ten Things? Yeah, me neither.

For those of you who are new here, or those of you with a memory like mine, I have a treat for you. Allow me to present: Ten Things Tuesday on a day that may or may not be Tuesday. 

This living in the country is new to me. As many of you know, I lived in a suburbian ecosystem for many years. That’s not to say I lived an overly sheltered life, but those are stories for another day, many of which have already been published on this blog. Ahem.

It’s merely that I’ve found life in the Texas country to be very different from life in the California suburbs. Not bad, just different. Since I’m coming from that perspective, this post will probably only be funny to those who’ve also spent too many years in a suburbian ecosystem.

Ten Thing you will only find in the country:

Only in the country…

will everyone call you “Ma’am” or “Sir”.

will a neighbor’s goats come to graze in your yard.

Have you had goats graze in *your* yard?

Have you had goats graze in *your* yard?

in the middle of town, will you see someone with a rifle shooting at critters. And it’s legal.

will you hear shots fired all day long and never see a cop.

will you see an intentional fire next to the road. It’s could be brush they’re burning, it could also be garbage. But, wait! There’s more…

You Know You’re a Full-time RVer When…

Kernut the Blond Posted on by

Disclaimer: I can’t take credit for this, I got it from Facebook. I have no idea who wrote it, nor did those who posted it before me.

After being on the road for over two years, I related to all of these. I’ve added on to the end. Please feel free to add more in the comments!

Home Is Where You Park It

Home Is Where You Park It

You Know You’re a Full-time RVer When…

1) Your GPS is your best friend!

2) You NEVER know where items are in the grocery store.

3) You dump your own sewage and it is no big deal.

4) Your family has to ask you where you are when they call.

5) You keep both winter and summer wardrobes because you don’t know where you will end up.

6) You know what snowbirds are and have seen them in their natural habitat.

7) Your HOME has wheels.

8) You blog so that YOU will remember where you have been.

9) You look in your pantry and see that you have cereal from New Jersey, pasta from Texas, canned goods from Alabama, and crackers from California.

10) You are always the new guy/gal in town.

11) You know where to find the best, most reliable internet.

12) You own very little and are proud of that.

13) You follow the warm weather.

14) You hang pictures and decoration on the wall with velcro.

15) You don’t own any figurines or other cutesy stuff that sits on countertops.

16) You have slept in a Wal-Mart parking lot.

17) You meet up with a family in Virginia that you met in California.

18) You remember friends by what state you met them in.

19) You grocery shop every three days because your refrigerator is so small.

20) You have been to more museums, aquariums, national parks, monuments and zoos than you can remember.

21) You have “pulled chocks”.

22) You look confused when someone asks, “Where are you from?”

23) You get your mail 2-3 weeks late regularly from your mail forwarding service.

24) You have witnessed your toilet “burping” at you.

25) You crave adventure and can not wait to see what is around the next corner!

Here are the additions:

26) You tell your friends and family not to give you “things”, and you only buy items for which you know already have storage space.

27) When someone asks about your out-of-state plates, you have to explain that you don’t actually live in South Dakota/Florida/Texas/Montana. It’s just where your “residency” is.

Please add yours in the comments!

Two heads are better than one shrunken head. Possibly.

Kernut the Blond Posted on by

Just a short 30-minute drive from Stonehenge II, and the Giant Stone Heads in Ingram, Texas is Bandera. Some of you may remember my post Braless in Bandera, The Cowboy Capital of The World (sorry guys, it’s not what some of you may be hoping for – at least not in my case).

In addition to the apparently many braless ladies in Bandera, there is a museum. Ah, but you know me so well! I wouldn’t tell you all about just any museum. No, no, I only tell you all about the weird, the wacky, and the wonderful! This museum is a combination of both weird and wacky. So much so, I will have to tell you about it in two, maybe three, posts.

It’s All In Your Shrunken Head

It would seem the Ingram-Bandera area has a thing for heads. Today I bring you a two-headed goat, and a couple shrunken heads, one of which is human. (If you’re squeamish you might want to read something else, like Cat-butt-tongue water or watch the bull castration video I made on a Texas ranch. On second thought, if you’re squeamish you probably stopped reading this blog a long time ago. Ok, never mind.)

I’d been in Bandera a couple times before I realized the sedately named Frontier Times Museum was a welcome journey into the weird and the wacky. Oh sure, they have some old frontiery stuff there, but really, do I care about that? Not so much.

Then someone told me about the “Two-headed Things Museum” in Bandera. ‘Two-headed things’?? My people!! Where is this? How could I have missed this? Ah, yes. I judged that book museum by its cover title.

First thing I asked when I walked in, “You have two-headed things here, right?” In my head, “Because I’m not staying if you don’t.”

The docent gave a slight smile as if she was thinking, “Oh, joy. Here’s another one. I wish we had a sign so I could stop answering this question sixteen times a day.”

Me, after she nodded, “Where are they?”

She kindly pointed to one two-headed thing, and then said there was another two-headed rodent – somewhere in the museum. She also pointed out some shrunken heads. Holy Shrunken Grapes, Batman!

Are Two Heads Better Than One?

Without further ado, the two-headed goat…  But, wait! There’s more…

The Life of Pye: Puss in boots, one year later.

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It’s been a year since Pye appeared on my doorstep. A year of learning about relationships, for both of us. Yes, I’m referring to my cat as if she’s a person. If you’re new here, please see the tag line under the title of this blog for the explanation.

We’re going to skip what I’ve learned about relationships this past year or so; I’ll save that for another time. Let’s move on to Pye for now, shall we?

What we’ve all learned about Pye in the last year:

We learned that Pye doesn’t sleep, and keeps me up at night.

We learned Pye likes to drink from my water cup. I don’t like this because I know where her tongue has been.

We learned Pye doesn’t know what to do with a live fish. She likes to think she’s wild, but she’s not. Not even a little.

We learned that Pye will run away in a moment of panic (gee, I have NO idea what that’s like), but will return 30 hours later.

We learned Pye has a foot fetish. Apparently, she has a boot fetish as well. Hey, I like cowboy boots, too, but don’t you think Pye is taking it a bit far?

"Kitteh luv dat boot."

“Kitteh luv dat boot.” (These photos are crappier than usual because I used my cell phone. YES, that’s my excuse.)

"Mmmm, kitteh fink boot smell gud."

“Mmmm, kitteh fink boot smell gud.”

"Hold meh, Boot. Hold da kitteh."

“Hold meh, Boot. Hold da kitteh. Luv da kitteh.”

I have a “no shoes on in the RV” kind of carpet. These boots were not next to my bed. Not that I wouldn’t mind a pair next to my bed. Just sayin’.

And now we learn:   But, wait! There’s more…

A day at the park: Myrtle the Turtle

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Meet Myrtle the Turtle

Baby snapping turtle

Myrtle the Turtle at one inch.

She’s a baby Alligator Snapping Turtle, and her soft shell is only about one inch long. This is an extreme closeup photo – she’s only about the size of a quarter. Despite her small start, the Alligator Snapping Turtle is the largest freshwater turtle in the world. Ranger Roscoe is fascinated by her tiny little tail. (you can see it in the above photo)

We’re keeping Myrtle in a tank until her shell hardens and she gets a little bigger – and looks less like a snack. Her little shell will grow to a couple feet across. She’ll also get a big, snapping beak, and may live as long as 120 years.

A few days ago we released “The Seven Dwarfs”, But, wait! There’s more…

How to kill Bugzilla, my once well-groomed rommate.

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Some of you may remember Bugzilla, my new roommate and the adventurous sleepless night we had.

He’s baaaack!

(If you don’t know about Bugzilla, this story won’t make sense. Go ahead and read the link above, then come back. We’ll wait.)

It’s been almost a year and a half since Bugzilla’s last appearance. He must have kept to himself all that time, coming out only when I wasn’t around. Until a couple nights ago…

Around 10 p.m. I was getting ready for bed, collecting my book and phone to bring into the bedroom with me. I got dressed for bed, which is to say I was scantily-clad. I returned to the kitchen to shut off the light, and there on my counter was Bugzilla!

Apparently, he couldn’t wait one second longer for me to leave the room and shut off the lights.

Bugzilla is no longer afraid of the light. Even worse, Bugzilla is no longer afraid of me.

He scurries back and forth across the front edge of the counter while staring at me, as if marking out his territory. Meanwhile, I stand stock still, trying to decide how to try and kill him this time. I’m standing there watching his every move, mentally recounting the many unsuccessful methods I’d previously employed to try end his scurrying life. I have a can of Deep Woods OFF (with the strong bug-killing chemical DEET, also toxic to humas) on the same counter he’s protecting. (I’ve been using it to kill sugar ants, but that’s another story!) Perhaps it will work better than the hair-spray.

I’m debating if I can get to the can of Deep Woods OFF with DEET before he does, when HE LAUNCHES AT ME. But, wait! There’s more…

Stonehenge In Texas? There are also some big stone heads.

Kernut the Blond Posted on by

Big stone heads.

If you say it fast, you may think it’s a reference to tall pot-smokers. But this is a drug-free blog.

And the stone heads are in Texas, where everything is big. I don’t know why everything is big in Texas, but it may have something to do with the size of the state. The state is HUGE so everything else probably needs to be larger just to look proportionate.

So someone decided to duplicate the Easter Island heads. Yeah, I know that’s a weak segue.

Why? Gees, why do you ask me the tough questions? How am I supposed to know these things? I just go look at this stuff and stick my fingers in the giant stone nose of the giant stone head.

Wait, what?? This is what I mean….

Easter Island Head with Stonehenge II in Texas.

I just couldn’t resist. Ahh, what a classy gal!

Here’s another big stone head… But, wait! There’s more…

Why parents eat their young

Kernut the Blond Posted on by

Chickenbone and I had small pets as kids, guinea pigs and a hamster. The guinea pigs were rather “randy”, mated and had cute little furry babies. Baby guinea pigs are born with a coat of fur, and their eyes open. They look like the just like the adults, but with disproportionately big feet.

Baby anything was a first for us little kids. The arrival of baby guinea pigs was an opportunity for my parents to explain the miracle of birth.

This “miracle of birth” explanation included the fact that some animals eat their young, an act known as filial cannibalism. My parents weren’t sure if this applied to guinea pigs, so we had to separate the father guinea pig from the mother and babies, just to be safe.

Parents eat their young??! This was a surprising thing for a little kid to hear. I couldn’t understand why or how a member of a family – any family, mammalian or not – could eat their young. It seems scientists don’t really know, either.

Fast forward many some years later, and this happened…

A couple days ago I came home from my job at the hardware store, changed clothes, and then went to work at the park. That day my shift at the park job was four hours long.

When I walked into my house at the end of the day, I noticed this… But, wait! There’s more…

All I’ve Got Is A Giant Squirrel

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Yup, that’s it, a giant squirrel.

It’s been a crappy month, to say the least. I’m usually not this melancholy for any length of time, but working 55+ hours a week, among other things, is taking a toll on me. I really want to move, but I can’t because this is where I have a job. Who’s life is this? I should be traveling and writing, not working 55+ hours a week.

I could whine to you all about a lot of things, and probably come up with a much better post, but I need something to make me smile today.

Ms. Pearl is it. I hope she makes you smile, too.

The Godzilla of Squirrels

Ms. Pearl, the Giant Squirrel, Cedar Creek, Texas

Ms. Pearl, the Giant Squirrel, Cedar Creek, Texas

In Cedar Creek, Texas, not far from the Smiley-faced Water Towers in Bastrop, is Mrs. Pearl, the Giant Squirrel. But, wait! There’s more…

World’s Largest Blue Crab in Rockport, Texas

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When I was first in Rockport, Texas last year, I searched RoadsideAmerica.com for local odd roadside attractions. I saw one item: a post stating the World’s Largest Blue Crab was no longer there.

What? NO giant crab? I live for seeing giant, wacky stuff like that. It just makes me laugh; I don’t know why. So I was disappointed to learn it had been destroyed by the big storms, removed, and buried (???) long ago. Ooh, I wonder where the grave is?

Well, I settled for the “Big Tree” in nearby Lamar, and the “World’s Longest Fishing Pier”. Seeing as how this is Texas, the Land Where Everything Is Bigger, I was expecting a MASSIVE tree. Having been a long-time resident of northern California, the Land of the Giant Sequoias and Oaks, I was a bit disappointed when I saw the size of the ‘Big Tree’.

As fortune would have it I get to visit my friends on the Texas coast fairly often. You can imagine my delight during a recent trip when I saw the World’s Largest Blue Crab was back! I made my friend stop so I could take pictures.

Big Blue, the World's Largest Blue Crab, Rockport, Texas.

Big Blue, the World’s Largest Blue Crab, Rockport, Texas.

Recreated to match the coloring of the original, artist David Allgood made But, wait! There’s more…