My best friend died today.
(I started writing this post a few months ago. It has been the hardest post I’ve ever written. Certainly not my best work, but definitely the hardest message to articulate.)
Time stopped for me today.
Jeff, my best friend, my love, my partner in crime passed away. That one person who cared about the minutiae of my day isn’t here anymore.
And time has stopped for me.
You all know him, to one degree or another. He was a “background extra” in many of the photos on this blog. He was shy and said he didn’t want to appear in photos. But he secretly enjoyed it and later came to face the camera head-on putting aside any lingering self-consciousness. He was also the occasional subject of posts: some about our travels, some about his support, and some briefly mentioning our highs and lows or the struggles of alcoholism.

Jeff had the bggest heart of anyone I’ve ever known.
I fell in love with that big heart over six years ago. We had our ups and downs as he struggled with depression and alcoholism. There were times when his struggles kept him from being the man he wanted to be, the man I always knew was in his big heart.
Even though the romantic relationship suffered, for the last two years we were always best friends, no matter what else was going on. We spent much of our free time together. We loved shell-hunting, exploring new places, sightseeing, and kayaking. It is so very rare, at least in my experience, to find someone who enjoys so many of the same things as I do.
Through his struggles, I became a better person: he taught me how to love unconditionally, to be more accepting of others as they are, to be less judgemental and more understanding. Looking back through the eyes of loss and knowing what I know now, I didn’t always do it as well as I would’ve liked. I wish I had been consistently loving, kind and understanding.
The morning before he died, having no clue of his impending death, I created an online album of our adventures: 2 people, 6 years, 1200 photos. I don’t think he ever saw it. That adds to my sorrow.
When someone so much a part of your world passes, it is the weirdest feeling, something I struggle to describe. I feel lost. Sometimes I feel like I’m spinning in place, with no direction to go. There will be no more calls. No more texts. No more sharing adventures with someone special. No more anything, only a vast emptiness.
It’s been almost three months now. Valentine’s Day sucked for me, much as the empty times over the last few months have. Managing his estate and final affairs kept me occupied for a while, and then my sister took me on a vacation. And then there was nothing but my sorrow and loneliness to occupy my free time.
Since his passing, I have honored his memory in several ways, not the least of which is scattering his ashes in some of our favorite waterways and some we wanted to visit together.
I do believe he is watching over me, protecting me and caring for me in ways he wasn’t always able to on Earth. His most often uttered phrase, ‘I’m fine.’, perfectly describes how he is now.
If you can take anything away from this message, please make it this: Be loving, kind, and understanding to one another. Forgive yourself and others. Look beyond someone’s actions for the pain that prompted the action, and then be compassionate with all your heart.
And now, a friendship in pictures…. (Spolier alert – many of these images have not yet been posted to the blog in a story)
2 People, 6 Years, 1200 Photos: The Adventures of Jeff and Kernut
I Felt An Angel
(Author Unknown)I felt an angel near today
though one I could not see ..
I felt an angel oh so close
sent to comfort me.I felt an angel’s kiss
soft upon my cheek ..
And oh, without a single word
of caring did it speak.I felt an angel’s loving touch
soft upon my heart ..
And with that touch
I felt the pain and hurt within depart.I felt an angel’s tepid tears
fall softly next to mine ..
And knew that as those tears did dry
a new day would be mine.I felt an angel’s silken wings
enfold me with pure love ..
And felt a strength within me grow
a strength sent from above.I felt an angel oh so close
though one I could not see
I felt an angel near today
sent to comfort me.
I am sorry for what you’re going through,know that you are loved and missed.
J, You verbalize these thoughts very well. I enjoy reading your posts and hope they help you sort and compartmentalize your grief so that you can only bring out what is somewhat bearable at a time.
Magee
There are no magic words or actions that will take away your sorrows. If there were, I would surely give then to you. The only thing that I’ve ever read that really made any sense at all is this: “Grief is the price we pay for love.”
I hope fond memories soon cover the pain.
That emptiness, after the shared grief and manic promises to stay in touch, and everything’s been settled, and the casserole dishes have been returned, and everyone else has gone back to their regular lives is the blankest, most vast expanse I’ve ever known.
Often beyond a cursory condolence, I will leave the bereaved friend to all those others. And show up 3 months later with a cup of coffee, a hug, and an ear.
Be well friend.
Dear Kernut, a beautiful tribute to a gentle soul. I am honored we shared some time with him, even if briefly at your beloved beaches and in Biloxi.the days break too cold, the sky is too big and too bright. But perhaps there are moments when you hear soft words or feel a breeze touch your cheek and you will know you are not alone. The warmth and strength of that big heart still embraces you. We share your sadness.
As you know we lost our middle daughter in 2013. I learned at that time that there aren’t really any words of comfort only the willingness to offer a listening and understanding ear if you ever just want to talk. PM me anytime and I will send you my number. I am so very very sorry for your loss.
Kernut: thank you for posting. Please know that you are in my thoughts and that I send you good wishes.
Kernut, so sorry to hear about your loss.
Terribly, terribly sorry to hear about your friend Jeff. I am sure you helped him in more ways then you may have ever know. God Bless you my friend.