A Holiday Letter Frum Da Kitteh

Kernut the Blond Posted on by
Da bestest kitteh in da worldz.

Da bestest kitteh in da worldz.

O Hai Interwebz! Dis iz also da guest post frum da kitteh. Member meh? Shur yu do! Mai hooman offen talkz abot meh, an now I iz gunna be yur nu favorit blogger! Dis iz mai first post.

(Editor’s note: The following is a holiday letter from my cat (and I) to the interwebz. I am a crazy cat lady who sends a similar letter every year from my cat to my patient and understanding friends and relatives. I say ‘patient and understanding’ because they have yet to lock me up in the funny farm. It’s written in LOL speak, and you can find more of it plus many funny cat pictures at ICanHasCheezeburger.com. If you don’t like LOL Speak, feel free to skip this.)

Da Kitteh’s Holiday Letter to da Interwebz

Itz dat tyme agin fer da Kittehz Updat Holiday Letter at teh holiday timez! Since mai hooman an all her relatifs lyk mai lettars soo much, I iz doin dem evry yeer now! I no you are vera happi bout dis. I is vera happi, tu!

2010 haz been anuther gwate yeer! I turnd 16 and I still feel and act lyk a yung kitteh. Mom (mai hooman) took gud care of me, az alwayz. I still gotz a bathz dis yeer, tho, but I don tink I waz durty. I also gotz meny nu toyz and speshul treets! I slept an playd a lot, too. Iz had sum helth isuzz, but wit da owful medacinz I feelin preti gud. Lif iz reely gud for da spoild kitteh lyk meh. But, wait! There’s more…

Ten Things: Crazy Street Names

Kernut the Blond Posted on by

I was doing research for my day job when I came across Crazy Street names.

Honestly, folks. It’s moments like this that make made coming to work kinda fun.

(I wrote that yesterday. Today I was let go! OMG. It’s kind of a shock since in my review two weeks ago my boss said he ‘loved what I was doing, was really impressed with my level of knowledge’, etc., etc. Huh. But the man was never really happy with anything or anyone. Today he said the marketing wasn’t working. Really? Which part – the increased numbers or hordes of new clients? So many in fact, they couldn’t handle them all. Probably not much I could have done to please him. I’m happy to be among the newly FUNemployed.)

Not too far from where I are (it rhymes, just go with it), there’s a street named Avenida de las Pulgas.

For those of you who don’t speak Spanish, it means Avenue of the FLEAS.

Yes, fleas. Like what’s on the dog or the cat.

Freakstreets had many more. Streets, not fleas. Well, actually I don’t know about the fleas. They may have some.

For Ten Things Tuesday, I’ve picked out 10 of the best:

1. Ragged Ass Road, Yellowknife, Northwest Territories, Canada

2. Tapeworm Road, Bloomfield, Pennsylvania, US

3. Kitchen Dick Road, Sequim, Washington, US

4. Tater Peeler Road, Lebanon, Tennessee, US

5. Succabone Road, Mount Kisco, New York, US But, wait! There’s more…

TSA In Your Pants

Kernut the Blond Posted on by

Can’t see London, can’t see France, unless we see your underpants.

TSA In Your Pants

TSA In Your Pants

Traveling for the holidays? I’m sorry to hear that, you have my sympathies.

Unless of course, you are hoping to be groped by a TSA agent. In that case, you have my congratulations as you will likely succeed. Enjoy! And please do ask them to buy you dinner first. It’s the least you deserve for giving it up to the TSA.

The Blog Gang is at it again and today’s topic is “Holidays”. I could write a whole book on holidays with the family, but they read this blog so I can’t. Instead I thought I’d share with you all a little Holiday traveling humor, courtesy – or rather at the expense – of the TSA and their new policy.

Without further ado, brought to you by the interwebs, and my old boss at the P.I. office: The new TSA slogans…

Safe Travels and a Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours!

The Blog Gang is below… please leave a comment and visit them, too!

Ten Things I’m Grateful For

Kernut the Blond Posted on by

There’s been enough ranting and sadness on this blog lately and it’s time to get back to the happy stuff. After the last couple weeks, I really need to refocus my attention on all the many wonderful things in my life.

Big thighs are always good.

Big thighs are always good.

For Ten Things Tuesday, and the upcoming Thanksgiving holiday, here are ten things for which I’m grateful.

1. The fabulous thunder and lightening storm we had this past weekend. We don’t get too much of that in California. I used not to like big storms, but this one felt different. When sane people would’ve stayed indoors, I opted for a drive. I delighted, like a five year old, in the display of dark sky spontaneously lit by bolts of lightening. I wondered what happens if you’re struck by lightening while driving… Do you feel anything? Does the car stop working? I kind of wanted to find out.

(Ok, so I had to Google it for you all. Alright, it was for me. The answer, according to the National Lightening Safety Institute, is: It depends. Earth shattering, isn’t it? The takeaway: Don’t touch anything metal in the car during the storm. Bet you didn’t know there was a lightening safety institute, huh? Me either. We both just learned something new. Awesome.)

2. Which brings me to the next one: The Interwebs. How many of you remember having to look up something in the reference section of the library or Encyclopedia Britannica? (Only people of a “certain age” will get this.) Now, we have so much information at our fingertips! Want to know all about midget porn? Just Google it and BAM! Midget porn! And who doesn’t want midget porn at their fingertips?! Again, AWESOME.

3. I’ve said it before, but it’s worth saying again: That I’m on a planet with chocolate. Think about it – how many planets in this solar system or the next do you think have cows, and therefore chocolate?? That’s right – only this one. And I really need chocolate – every day. Eating cookies right now.

4. That I live in lovely, abundant, (mostly) sunny California – and close enough to drive to the coast any time. Soon, I will live at the beach again. If you have a beach house with internet, I’m a great roomie. I’m very quiet, and I come with a cat. But, wait! There’s more…

God Grant Me The Senility

Kernut the Blond Posted on by

Ahh, what a lovely day. (UPDATED: This should say “week”.)

Ok, I’m lying. Totally fucking lying. (I apologize for the cussing, but sometimes only a cuss word will do. There are more, just so you know. I probably have that cussing disease today, you may want to leave now.)

You all know about the Droid X issue, which may, or may not be resolved. Some ex-boyfriends responded to the age-old texts as if nothing had changed and the conversation – and relationship – hadn’t ended LONG ago.

One ex asked, “So how you sleeping?” Much better without you’re nasty a$$ taking up the bed.

Learn from my mistake my dear Kernutties: Clear your text cache. Seriously. Do it now. I’ll wait.

And some of you know about the persistent MF who keeps trying to hack my blog. Seriously? WTF?! At this point, his persistence (12 attempts that I know of, plus three lock-outs) causes me to think it’s personal. There are two people whom I think sociopathically capable of this. I’m working on a post that includes one of them, and is about the time Martin Sheen saved my life. (Not a joke.)

The new job? Sucks balls. Well, some of it sucks balls. Big fuckin’ hairy balls. (The actual marketing parts of the job are great fun.) But, wait! There’s more…

Witness Protection Program Inductee

Kernut the Blond Posted on by

The oddness that was my week:

First up…

I work in a large office building with the standard Men’s and Women’s community bathrooms on each floor.

Men’s, and Women’s. Two bathrooms. One for each sex.

The other morning I grabbed the key and crossed the hallway to the Women’s room. Just as I got there a man (I think he was Mennonite), held the door for me as he exited.

Me: ???

He said, ‘It’s ok, my wife is just doing her hair.’

With trepidation and a nervous smile, I enter to find two Mennonite women in the restroom: his wife fixing her hair, and her attendant.

And no more men, thank goodness.

When I posted this on FB, most of my friends commented how they wanted an attendant. Umm sure, I want one, too. But can we not have men in the Women’s bathroom?

Second…

I’ve wanted a Droid phone for a while, and Friday I finally got one! Yippee!! I activated it, added two apps, and then tried to back up my numbers.

The screen DIED.

Not the battery (still had 80% power) – the SCREEN. I’d had it for ONE HOUR.

Ok, obviously I got a lemon, time to go trade it in for a good one. My Friday night: I drive down to the Verizon store, and (another) hour and a half later walked out with a second brand new Droid X. (BTW – these were not refurbished “pre-owned” phones.)

IT CAME WITH A VIRUS INSTALLED.

Oh, that’s NOT the worst… But, wait! There’s more…

Ten Things I Learned This Week

Kernut the Blond Posted on by

For Ten Things Tuesday, I thought I’d give y’all some more important information. You know, ’cause I like you to leave this blog feeling like you got a little chuckle out of it and that you’re a little smarter for having come here.

And so you can say you come here to learn something. It’s kind of like when you say you read Playboy for the articles. Not that you do that.

Ten Things I Learned This Past Week

I learned…

1. I can wear my underwear inside out for half the day before I notice. As @CardsfanClay tweeted: ‘As long as they weren’t on the outside it’s fine.’ Good point.

2. Installing a right-click/copy prevention plugin is upsetting to some of my readers. I had no idea – I swear! I’ve turned off the right-click thingy. The text that used to pop up was my attempt at humor, I don’t actually check anyone’s IP address or send them to the blog police. And NO, I seriously don’t think my stuff is worth stealing, but the thieves aren’t picky, apparently. I saw some of their sites – and while they did steal some top-notch stuff, they also stole pure crap, like what you read here. Anyway, that’s probably why everyone’s stopped commenting on my site anymore. I’m sure it’s not my writing. But, wait! There’s more…

What Am I Doing? Everyone I Can and The Weak Ones Twice.

Kernut the Blond Posted on by
Dirty minds think dirty thoughts.

The line starts behind me. *ahem*

This past week has been exciting (well, ‘exciting’ by my standards anyway):

I signed up for BlogHer in San Diego next August. I’m really looking forward to meeting my bloggy friends. Ok, this is probably only exciting to bloggers.

I did a little lot of virtual flirting with “GpJeff” on Twitter. (That’s a top secret alias ’cause he’s probably got a nice family and a real job and is probably embarrassed to be mentioned on this tabloid of a blog.) Anyhoo, it was good for me. I hope it was good for him, too. E-flirting is all the action I’m getting these days.

But I did have a couple real life dates this week. OMG! I know! I’m shocked, too.

One was with a long-time friend who, even though he cares very deeply for me, isn’t sure what he wants in terms of a relationship, or really if he wants one at all, blah, blah, blah. His ambivalence has certainly dampened any interest I might have had. (See, now you’re not so surprised anymore. I mean, really – who else would I attract???)  At least this one isn’t married/separated. But really, it’s enough to make a gal give up dating altogether. But, wait! There’s more…

Ten Reasons Dating Sucks

Kernut the Blond Posted on by

For Ten Things Tuesday, a Dating Rant…

If I hadn't met you, I wouldn't like you

Another reason not to date – the broken heart.

Ten Reasons Dating Sucks

A.k.a. Ten Reasons Not to Divorce, which could lead to dating. Just like smoking, dating can be dangerous for your health.

If you’re single, you’ve probably experienced many of these yourself. I would love to hear your stories in the comments. Considering divorce? Well, here’s what life would be like once you were ready to date again…

1. People are weird. That’s it. Myself included. After a certain age, the shallow end of the gene pool is what’s left. 

2. And unless you’re still young and innocent, you’ve probably become choosy, not unlike myself. When I was 20, I didn’t know what I liked or wanted in a significant other, but thought I did. Now I’m XX older, and know exactly what I like and want in a significant other. When they say ‘Ignorance is bliss’, they aren’t kidding. The hard part is knowing.

3. This could happen to you: I seem to attract either married/separated men or those with severe head injuries. I wish I was kidding. As an ex-P.I., I’ve learned to run background checks on potential partners. There are some scary-ass criminals on Match.com, and they always seemed to find my profile. I think it’s my superpower, which is also my kryptonite: My blond hair. It attracts all kinds. But, wait! There’s more…

Human or Zombie?

Kernut the Blond Posted on by
I zombied myself. This is also what I'll look like when I'm 80.

I zombied myself. This is also what I’ll look like when I’m 80.

In honor of Halloween, I’ve decided to assimilate.

They say it will only hurt a little in the beginning.

The other night I watched Daybreakers with Ethan Hawke. No, not with him in my living room, he’s in the movie. But you probably knew he wouldn’t be in my living room. (Great movie, by the way.)

At the very beginning, before you can start the movie, it asks you to choose: Human or Vampire.

I chose Zombie, obviously.

“Why?”, you ask. Let me explain…

One reason is this:

Zombieland Survival Quiz

Your Result: 1-25

you will be sure to die the first day of a zombie outbreak u will be eaten by a horde of zombies and wont stand a chance cause your an idiot when it come to zombies
26-50
51-75
76-100
Zombieland Survival Quiz
Quiz Created on GoToQuiz

(In bad English) It says I’ll survive ONE DAY! ONE DAY, PEOPLE! It also calls me an idiot when it comes to zombies. Ok, FINE. IT’S ON!

As if that wasn’t enough, and it is, the other reason is this: But, wait! There’s more…