My sister, Chickenbone, once told me ‘Don’t bring sand to the beach.’
Me: ???
Chickenbone: If you’re single, don’t bring a date to a party.
Me: (still) ???
Chickebone: …where there are single men.
Me (a minute later): Ohhhh. (the light bulb isn’t always super bright, folks)
But, wait! There's more...…advice on Dating and Sex, not that I’m doing much dating either. Here are some reasons why…
No texting or calls during dates. I have to admit, I broke this rule a couple months ago. My date had gone to the bathroom, and, well I had good reason. Ok, that’s just a reason and not an excuse. He came back before I finished, and I made a lame apology and then stopped. The point is it’s disrespectful.
Sexting – When is it appropriate. It’s an exciting way
But, wait! There's more...This kind of weirdness permeated the entire trip. Permeated it like a thick black tar. Not unlike the crap washing ashore in Louisiana and Santa Barbara right this moment: That oil-drilling residue tar that just sticks to you and is damn near impossible to remove. Ever have that shit stuck on your feet? It’s hella hard to get off.
But, wait! There's more...FINALLY, after a few rounds of “What’s your favorite fruit loop flavor?” eHarmony reveals the pictures to me.
But, wait! There's more...Oh, it gets better.
His face was orange. Yes, ORANGE. He’d used a low-quality tan-in-a-bottle to enhance his pasty skin tone. Unfortunately, BLENDING was not his strong point. Dear readers, he was a rookie at the fake-bake usage.
But, wait! There's more...Dating Advice for Social Media from my MySpace blog in 2007 (a time when I was much more jaded than now – if that’s possible). While originally about MySpace, much of this also applies to Facebook. MySpace made me über jaded about dating. It’s all MySpace’s fault for letting those … But, wait! There’s more…
They ask, ‘Why are you single??’ or ‘Why haven’t you been married??’ But when they ask, with face half turned and narrowed eye, the tone says: “Is there something wrong with you that I can’t see??” (Uh, not trying to hide it. At all. Pay attention.) Or it sounds like … But, wait! There’s more…
In an effort to end my, shall we say discomfort, Kahlil decides to speed up this catastrophe and ask directions from SOME RANDOM SHIFTLESS PERSON standing on the street corner. But not just any corner – Kahlil chooses the corner on my side of the car. I’d like to know what’s wrong with his side of the bulletproof car?
Oh, that’s right: Sacrifice the blond. That’s what they always do in the movies.
But, wait! There's more...I asked, “What’s up with the window?”, pinching the 3/4-inch-thick glass between my finger and thumb.
Kahlil (with an accent), very matter-of-fact, “The Mercedes is bullet proof. The doors are also reinforced. My family sends me one every year.”
Me, “Oh.” (Obviously, he was dating me for my razor-sharp wit.)
But, wait! There's more...
