Ten Things I Like About Being Single And Ten Things I Don’t

Kernut the Blond Posted on by

For Ten Things Tuesday… You get a Ten Things Bonus Round!

neato.

single vs relationship

What’s a gal to do?

Ten Things I Like About Being Single

1. My stuff is always where I left it. Unless the cat moves it or eats it. Very rare.

2. The cat doesn’t much care how the house looks. Probably why she’s still here.

3. No one asks me where I’m going or what I’m doing.

4. I don’t have to “check in” with anyone. Well, ‘cept maybe the cat.

5. I can take a vacation to anywhere I want, anytime I want.

6. I don’t worry about how well someone is or isn’t taking care of themselves. (This is kind of a biggie with me, being a moderate health nut and codependent and all.)

7. Meals are easy: Eaten while standing at the counter where it was just made, or in front of the tv or computer. Also means fewer dishes to wash.

8. The remote is mine, all MINE. I watch whatever I want on TV, whenever I want, every. time.

9. Never worrying about what I am or am not wearing to bed.

10. The wonderful, beautiful peace and quiet. This is priceless.

Ten Things I Don’t Like About Being Single But, wait! There’s more…

Ten Things To Do When Bored At Work

Kernut the Blond Posted on by

This is the beginning of a new theme: “Ten Things Lists”. If I’m really organized (not too likely) and can remember (even less likely) I’ll try to post one every Tuesday for “Ten Things Tuesday”. Or maybe I’ll just be random about it. Probably that one.

Ten Things To Do When Bored At Work

1. Put serious look on face and pretend to be typing important emails while really writing blog posts, emailing friends, and updating Facebook. It helps if you stick out the tip of your tongue and kind of purse your lips.

But, wait! There’s more…

Spam, It’s Not Just For Dinner Anymore

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The good kind of spam. If there is such a thing.

The good kind of spam. If there is such a thing.

When it comes to spam, I don’t get the awesome letters The Bloggess and Mental Poo are lucky enough to receive. As they’re seasoned bloggers, the spammers know to send them their best “A game” letters.

The spammers save their “B game” for bloggers like me. Great.

In a desire to imitate those I love reply in kind to my spammers, for some time now I’ve been tempted to “approve” spammed comments just so I could respond to their clueless remarks for all my readers to see. (Other bloggers will get this. My apologies to those of you who don’t get it. Or blog.)

The only thing that’s stopped me is not wanting to somehow legitimize (as if this blog could legitimize anything) their URL, login ID, or IP address, the many ways the spam blocker software expertly identifies these spammers.

But, lucky for you, I’ve come up with a way around all that. But, wait! There’s more…

Happy Happy Happy All The Time

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Before we get started, the title is loosely borrowed from a song that is actually “Hockey, Hockey, Hockey All The Time“. I do love that song, it cracks me up! (Hi Canada! You give good song.) Now, on with the show…

It all began when I joined this gang. There was this initiation and a blindfold and some spanking…

Ok, that’s a lie. There was no blindfold or spanking (unfortunately). I joined a Blog Gang – we’re not dangerous. Unless you’re the English Language, then you’re screwed.

See what I mean? Apologies to English teachers everywhere.

Today’s Blog Gang topic is Happiness.

Wait – don’t go!

I know y’all come here for stories of my crazy childhood, dates with royalty, really funny Facebook stuff, horny pigeons, and the inner workings of brothels, but that doesn’t mean you won’t learn something useful from this post. (You know how I like to provide you all with an informative blog. You’re welcome.)

On with our topic…

You are a space traveler. Seriously, will you stop trying to leave?! This is important. And I do (eventually) bring it around to the topic of Happiness. But, wait! There’s more…

Go Team Couch Potatoes! – UPDATED

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couch potato

Couch Potato

Believe it or not, it’s not always about me. Don’t get me wrong – it usually is ALL ABOUT ME but, again believe it or not, I actually do charitable work on a frequent basis.

Who knew?

For the first time ever, I organized one of those teams for a major walk/run event! I’m so excited. I even designed t-shirts! I do this stuff because it makes me #FURIOUSLYHAPPY .

So maybe then it is all about me after all.

Fine. I can live with that. No one else can, but I’m good with it and the cat doesn’t care.

As team captain I get to organize people (kind of like herding cats), and pick a team name. I still can’t believe they gave me that kind of authority. In all fairness, they don’t really know me.

Guess what I named the team? But, wait! There’s more…

Animals Behaving Very Badly – NSFW

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WARNING: This post is probably not safe for work if, as The Bloggess would say, you’re boss is a total douche-canoe.

It all started with this perverted email my old P.I. boss sent me. He sends me the best freaky stuff. He is not a douche-canoe. Thanks B!

That email spurred an internet search that turned up all kinds of interesting things. Animal crime sprees, animal sex acts, and all kinds of crazy stuff. I will spare you the really freaky.

I learned a new word: Zoophilia. (DO NOT GOOGLE THAT) They say you should learn something new every day. Unfortunately, that was it. *sigh*

During my search, this link of Crimes Sprees Carried Out By Animals came up.

drunk monkeys

Can we really blame them?

Can we really say a monkey who takes our drinks is a thief? An alcoholic, yes, but it needs to be breaking a law to be committing a crime and considered a thief. Last I heard they were no laws governing what monkeys can or cannot do. They’re allowed to drink and drive because they’re not expressly prohibited from doing so.

Yes, my new job is with attorneys. Sorry, I’ll stop now.

Ok, on with the show… uh, so to speak. (The NSFW stuff follows…) But, wait! There’s more…

The Gruesome Death of A Fly

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The Death of A Fly

Aren’t you glad you come here? Where else could you get such fascinating news as this? Nowhere, trust me.

A recent post about the death of a fly by my hot bloggy friend, A Vapid Blonde, reminded me of the torture we used to inflict as children on flies by making them pilots of small planes.

Criminal profilers say torturing small animals and insects is first act of future serial killers. Just a bit of foreshadowing that probably explains a lot about me now. And probably why I blog.

When we were little, my father taught us how to build small, light-weight paper airplanes. (I’ll skip the details of the airplane construction because I’d rather not contribute to the delinquency of other minors. Unlike my father. Hi Dad! He taught us all the great stuff like shooting, playing poker, and torturing flies by making them pilots.)

After capturing the fly, But, wait! There’s more…

Greeting Cards for The Zombie Apocalypse

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Zombie Defense Classes

Ascension Martial Arts in San Jose, CA is offering Zombie Defense Classes - These people are THINKING AHEAD. We need to do the same.

I’m sure by now you’ve all heard of the impending Zombie Apocalypse.

No? Please catch up – if not for your sake, then for the sake of others. This is no time to be selfish.

Governments have even done studies on the (un) likelihood civilization as we know it will survive a zombie attack. Our (usually none-too-bright) Government knows the Zombie Apocalypse is coming.

We sure can’t trust THEM to protect us, people. It’s the Government y’all – they’ll probably be the ones who CREATE the zombies.

An earlier post, Zombie attack Plan – Got One?, includes quizzes you can take on the likelihood of surviving a Zombie Attack. (Go ahead and take the quizzes, we’ll wait.)

If you don’t do well on the quizzes, don’t worry – these guys can help: A local martial arts company is now offering Zombie Defense Classes. (No, they’re not paying me. In fact, they don’t even know I’m writing this. When they find out, I hope they like the post because, really, they could kick my ass if they don’t. They kick ass for a living, people.)

Their tag line? “Close Combat Techniques… because you WILL run out of ammo.”

Seriously, they’re right. You will.

They ask us ‘When the dead rise, will you be able to dispatch them with a simple smile on your face and a witty comeback on your lips?’

I think not.

These guys are really smart – they’re thinking ahead. They’re thinking OUTSIDE of the Zombie box, people. We need to do the same or we’re going to be left behind.

That’s when I came up with the idea for Zombie Apocalypse Greeting Cards But, wait! There’s more…

Cuff Em Danno

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Hand cuffs

Huh, I thought they only came in fuzzy.

In honor of the resurrection of the Hawaii Five-O CBS television series, I thought I’d tell you all about the time I carried hand cuffs.

For years I carried handcuffs. No, not in the hopes of finding someone hot to kidnap a willing victim. But that’s not a bad idea. Thanks!

In another episode of Jobs I Had: I was a licensed Bail Agent.

Yup, the State of California thought I was sane enough for a Bail Agent’s license. As long as you haven’t committed a felony, you too can get one.

Being a licensed Bail Agent meant I could go on bail “skips” (those who skip out of town or sentencing) and arrest the offender. Neato. Got my own handcuffs, too. This job was in conjunction with my time as a P.I. – my boss, the owner of the PI firm, also owned a bail bond agency.

With two exceptions, no one ever “made” (identified, spotted) me. If I got questioned by neighbors in the area I was staking out, I had a great cover: I was stalking my cheating boyfriend. They were so nice they would offer to help! People are cool.

A couple weren’t cool. Some men were nasty, and even threatened me. Too bad you can’t shoot someone for threatening you. If they’d only known I was armed. And dangerous.

And unstable.

Before you all go thinking: OMG! She was just like Dog the County Hunter! No, it’s not nearly as exciting as they make it seem. Well, not all the time.

But sometimes it is very interesting.

Case: A BIG dude who skipped bail on my boss. I had a mug shot to go by and night goggles.

So I’m waiting near his apartment. The complex has a gym where we know he likes to work out. I’ve been instructed to call for our off-duty police backup when I spot the skip.

I spot him working out at the gym. Score! My heart starts racing. Our off-duty police backup meets me, we ID the guy with the mug shot I have, and the cop handcuffs him. The guy doesn’t have his wallet or ID with him because he was working out, but he says he’s not the guy.

A likely story. Ya, we never heard that one before.

He insists he’s not the guy. He admits to being on parole for killing (Penal Code 187) a cop with his brother 9 years ago, but says he’s not our guy. But he’s a Dead Wringer (pun not intended) in the mug shot I have.

He’s really calm and polite. That’s rare. But it’s ok with me that he’s still handcuffed.

Anyway, we walk him to his apartment to get his wallet and ID. The photo looks like him, but the name isn’t the same as my skip. The cop runs a check on him, and finds only that prior crime he mentioned: The 187 . The murder.

He’s really not our guy. Ok, fine.

The cop goes to uncuff him, but he can’t find his handcuff key. It’s gone. Totally lost. He asks if I have mine.

Nope. Didn’t expect to be doing the handcuffing on this one. Plus my key was taken away from me. But that’s another story.

So the cop leaves me alone in the apartment with the handcuffed BIG dude. Who could head-butt me to death with one blow. Who is innocent of skipping bail. But not cop-killing.

I’m sure I oozed fear the whole fivty-thousdred minutes I was alone with BIG dude.

He was tame as a kitten with me. Very nice of him considering WE’D HANDCUFFED AN INNOCENT MAN.

With killer instincts.

If Facebook Existed Through History

Kernut the Blond Posted on by

(Disclaimer – I didn’t write this. It’s too funny and creative, so obviously. I got it in an email from one of my awesome friends. I have no idea whom to credit for the following hilarious post.)

If Facebook Existed Through History:

My favorite are the last two status posts, God and Ancient Asteroid. I especially love the last two comments.