Funny Shit Someone Else Wrote…

Kernut the Blond Posted on by

I love movies like this: 'Attack of the Giant/Killer Something'. And I love cats. That's why I picked this random picture.

This is some funny shit that made me laugh until tears streamed down my face.

I really should be working on the back end of my blog right now. I’ve been sitting here trying to figure out where to insert this little bit of code – something any junior high school student could figure out – but I’m a CLUELESS BLOGGING NEWBIE. Since I planned to work on this today I refuse to let myself leave the computer.

So, what does any self-respecting procrastinator do at a time like this? Find great shit to read on the internet. Lucky for you, I’ve decided to share my findings. These had me laughing so hard they brought tears to my eyes… But, wait! There’s more…

I’m a State-subsidized Cube-dweller

Kernut the Blond Posted on by

Lightly padded walls to prepare me for transfer.

I’m a cube-dweller, probably like many of you. Monday-Friday, 8-5 I spend in an 8’ x 8’ cube.

My little piece of padded, square-shaped Hell.

It’s not nearly as fun as the horror movie The Cube.

It’s not the psych ward. But it’s close. I’m employed by a quasi-state entity. (And you thought I lived off this blog? I wish!)
As a state employee I learned a new word: F U R L O U G H. A furlough is where the Governator, Arnold Schwarzenegger, decides your already-low state pay isn’t low enough and, due to the bad decisions of bad politicians, you now get an even smaller pay check. Yippee.

The 6’ tall gray cubicle walls are lightly padded for my protection, not unlike the padded cells of a funny-farm. But, wait! There’s more…

Buddy, The Fearless Chihuahua and Protector of Meditators

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Buddy, The Fearless Chihuahua

Buddy, the meditation retreat mascot, was our ever-present companion, cuddler, and protector.

When he wasn’t snuggling in one of our laps, he enlisted great effort in protecting us from the crows flying over the canyon. Buddy, who looks larger in this picture than he is in real life, is considerably smaller than the crows he was chasing.

When a very large, and very lost, German Sheppard/Husky/Wolf mutt somehow made its way into the fenced yard, little Buddy charged it with a ferocity disproportionate to his small size. I was worried Buddy was a goner, and about to become wolf-mutt’s lunch. Not so. It was hilarious to see this small dog chase the large, timid intruder around, tail between his large legs, until we could open a gate for him to get out.

Go Buddy!



Meditation in the Los Gatos Mountains

Kernut the Blond Posted on by

Los Gatos Retreat Center

“Hi, my name is Kernut, and I am a Meditator.”

“My name is Kernut, and it’s been three hours since my last meditation.”

(ahahaha I crack me up!)

This weekend I spent at a wonderful – and much needed – meditation retreat in the luscious, green Los Gatos mountains. The views were spectacular, the location peaceful. Greg facilitated the meditation retreat and Patty was the gracious hostess of her mountain-top retreat center.

So, I need to meditate. Daily. It keeps the crazy away. Now I’m just bonkers. That’s not as bad as crazy. But, wait! There’s more…

I Got Roses Last Night

Kernut the Blond Posted on by

Red roses, and a warm heart.

I got flowers last night. A big bouquet of beautiful red roses.

Ok, so they were from a complete stranger. But he’s totally hot.

And they were virtual roses. That he sent to the internet.

Whatever. Don’t judge me. Beggars can’t be choosers.

I needed them. It renewed my faith in chivalry. At least for now.

Which brings us to today’s topic…

Whatever happened to good manners? Parents no longer seem to emphasize anything to their children other than saying “Please” and “Thank You”. Is chivalry truly dead? I see glimpses of it, like last night’s gesture, but it seems to be oh so rare. But, wait! There’s more…

How Not To MySpace (or Facebook)

Kernut the Blond Posted on by

Ok, but only if the hookup is in your pickup, Baby.

Dating Advice for Social Media from my MySpace blog in 2007 (a time when I was much more jaded than now – if that’s possible). While originally about MySpace, much of this also applies to Facebook.

MySpace made me über jaded about dating. It’s all MySpace’s fault for letting those horny 20-somethings send me the most ludicrous requests for a date (read: hookup). It’s really hard to take men seriously after receiving requests like those below.

But I’m all better now.  heh. *twitch*

How Not To MySpace, Part 2

Acknowledgment: “Part 1” was written by my friend Steve. His gave me the idea for the following article. His article, How Not To MySpace should be read. And followed. Verbatim.

Making Friends – and keeping them: But, wait! There’s more…

‘Why are you single?’

Kernut the Blond Posted on by

Can you say "Photoshop"?

They ask, ‘Why are you single??’ or ‘Why haven’t you been married??’

But when they ask, with face half turned and narrowed eye, the tone says: “Is there something wrong with you that I can’t see??” (Uh, not trying to hide it. At all. Pay attention.)

Or it sounds like “How could you even WANT to be single? Isn’t it scary?” (Nope, kinda nice actually. I don’t have to check in with anyone before I go somewhere and my scissors are always where I left them. How about you? Do you know where your scissors are?)

I am asked this all the time. All. The. F’n. Time. The frequency with which I get asked that question never ceases to amaze me. Nor does the unending curiosity. Seriously, even I’m not that interested in my own status.

Speculating what makes certain people so curious, I’ve observed the following… But, wait! There’s more…

When Lost in the Crenshaw District of L.A., Sacrifice The Blond

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The Date with Exiled Royalty Continues: Lost in The Crenshaw District of L.A. (Not a safe place, in case you didn’t know.)

(You can read the previous post about my date here: Flirting with Disaster: Dating Exiled Afghani Royalty . Trust me, it’s true.)

Not even Starbucks, which is EVERYWHERE in the world, dares venture there. (They weren’t there then, but they may be in the area now. I hear Starbucks is going to take over the world by winning the Franchise Wars.)

(No, this isn’t what happened – but it could have. Photo courtesy of blackarmor.com.)

Picture this: A darkly lit and filthy street, bordered by run-down and abandoned warehouses covered with graffiti and broken windows, and shiftless people (who hopefully don’t read this blog) lingering on street corners.

In the middle of this: A flashy, shinny black Mercedes driven by an older, well-dressed gentleman wearing a flashy Rolex. Seated next to him is a tow-headed white gal (that would be me) dressed in a suddenly-too-revealing little dress. Also flashy.

There are no other cars – parked or driving – on the street. There are no hookers on the streets. Not even hookers want to be here. But, wait! There’s more…

Flirting with Disaster: Dating Exiled Afghani Royalty

Kernut the Blond Posted on by

A random medallion, not Kahlil’s.

I’m not going to use his real name because I’m pretty sure he’s in hiding. Let’s just call him Kahlil.

(You can read the first post about time life in Malibu here.)

I was introduced to him by a mutual friend. Kahlil, a bit older than myself, is a good man, loves growing roses, and reading Kahlil Gibran’s poems. He has seen and experienced some truly awful things in his life, and I don’t envy his position.

How do I know Kahlil is Royalty? There’s a video of him getting out of a helicopter, wearing flowing white robes, with scores of minions on the ground, bowing and scrapping profusely.

There’s also the bulletproof Mercedes. Never been in one? Neither had I. It looked like any other Mercedes. And then I rolled down the window – the ¾-INCH-THICK-GLASS window. ??? But, wait! There’s more…

Once Upon a Time in Malibu

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Malibu from the air. Photo by Doc Searls.

This is the beginning of a 3, 4, 7? several part series about my time in Malibu.

Around the beginning of the millennium, I transferred to Malibu to work as an Estate Manager, overseeing the luxury beach-front property and household staff of a very wealthy individual.

My (Preconceived) Idea of Malibu vs. Reality:

You’ve probably seen celebrities profiled on popular shows like TMZ or in the news: They’re always hanging out in Malibu, often getting DUIs, getting into fights, or being “seen with so-and-so”.

This lead to my first preconceived idea: Malibu is a hotspot of celebrity activity!

Couple that with what I already knew about the person for whom I was working, Marc Andreessen: He lived in Palo Alto (at the time) and shopped at places like Stanford Shopping Center. I assumed he would choose to live in a place with similar amenities.

Which lead me to my second preconceived idea: The shopping is going to be great!

Boy, was I wrong on both counts. But, wait! There’s more…