14 Signs You’re Over 40

Kernut the Blond Posted on by

40 sounds great. Not that I relate. I’m still 27. Always 27.

We interrupt the regularly scheduled post to bring you… well, this.

First, let me just say I did not write this. I wish I had, but I didn’t. The following was sent via email by a friend…

If you are 40, or older, you might think this is hilarious.

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning…. Uphill… Barefoot… BOTH ways. yadda, yadda, yadda

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they’ve got it!

But now that I’m over the ripe old age of forty, I can’t help but look around and notice the youth of today.  They’ve got it so easy.  I mean, compared to my childhood, they live in a damn Utopia.

And I hate to say it, but kids today don’t know how good they’ve got it!

1) I mean, when I was a kid we didn’t have the Internet. But, wait! There’s more…

Dating Advice From The Unqualified

Kernut the Blond Posted on by

I love the gentle hand on the neck. Very nice.

More Dating Advice From The Unqualified

Dating Advice seems to be a post topic of interest for my readers. Why you all want to hear snarky dating advice from me, I’ll never know. (For previous posts with dating tips, see Internet Dating Fail, part 1, Internet Dating Fail, part 2, How Not To Myspace, and my favorite series Flirting With Disaster: Dating Exiled Afghani Royalty.)

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Here are 5 Dating Tips…

  1. Coffee dates are the kiss of death.

    2. Really. For the first date or two, this is the WORST. POSSIBLE. DATE. you could have. Movies are the second worst first or second date. Both are communication nightmares for mere acquaintances.

    The best type of date? Studies have shown it’s one that involves a touch of fear, and interaction in an activity. The study showed doing something that produced a slight fear response, like rock climbing or parasailing, were the most likely to produce a bonding response in the couples. Think about that. You want bonding. Bonding is good. But, wait! There’s more…

An Exploration of the Senses

Kernut the Blond Posted on by
From Bixby Bridge in Big Sur

From Bixby Bridge in Big Sur

Car Shows, Riding on a Harley, Fried Artichokes, and fresh, hot Cinnamon Rolls!

What an amazing weekend it’s been! I’ve been out showing my friend from Meeneesooota the sights and it’s been an tour of the senses.

That’s partly why I haven’t been around much. Like anyone’s noticed. (I can’t yet tell you all the other reason just yet, but will tell you all as soon as I can. And I promise you’ll love it! ‘Cept for maybe my parents. But they’ve got to be use to me by now.)

It is truly a delight to show someone the sights who has the ability to let their inner child out, experiencing the world with that same sense of wonder and appreciation. He was amazed by the beauty of the Big Sur, California coast, and let himself express it and immerse himself in it. That’s the part most people seem to find hard to do. For me it comes naturally. Probably because I’ve never But, wait! There’s more…

We Say ‘Dude’ In These Here Parts

Kernut the Blond Posted on by

There's a magazine about this?

I’m fascinated by linguistics, especially the colloquialisms specific to a certain region. We all have them, and those little words can give an indication of where you grew up, or lived for many years.

Also when you grew up.

A friend is visiting from Minnesota. He’s never been to California so I’m showing him the sights. The other day I used the word ‘dude’ when relaying some meaningless important story to him.

Yes, maybe I’m a hopelessly outdated Californian, but that’s not the point.

He’s been here three weeks and I’m the first person who’s said ‘dude’ to him. WTF? But, wait! There’s more…

Casa de Something For Everyone

Kernut the Blond Posted on by
Road to Nowhere

The Road to Nowhere - much like my life.

Today’s post is more pictorial than blog, and therefore good for those of you who buy magazines for the pictures, and not the stories.

Uh hem.

Once again this week I tried to go on the whale watching cruise. You know, so I can provide you all with something OTHER than my old drinking stories, brushes with the law, pigeon porn, or visits to the brothels to read the menus.

Which you probably prefer anyway.

This time the whale watching cruises were canceled due to really choppy water and big winds.

Probably best for me, and you…

I get seasick.

It wouldn’t have been very funny. Or maybe it would have.

Middle of Nowhere

But we’ll never know.

Instead, I went to Casa de Something For Everyone, in Hollister, California. It’s in the middle of Nowhere. Really pretty Nowhere, with lots of green farms separated by green farms.
But, wait! There’s more…

18 With A Fake ID

Kernut the Blond Posted on by

'Alcohol - some of the best times you'll never remember.'

Actually, the ID was real. It just wasn’t mine.

It had belonged to my friend’s ex-girlfriend, a woman named Cindy. Cindy and I didn’t look all that much alike, but we both had blond hair, blue eyes, and were of similar height.

She, of course, was older by a few years. That’s really all I (and the bartenders) needed.

I know, you’re all, “So what?”

Be patient, Grasshopper.

I’d hang out at a few select bars in Los Gatos: Number One Broadway, Carry Nation’s, C. B. Hannegan’s, The Last Call (long closed), and finally Pedro’s.

Just a few. I was selective.

There are other bars in Los Gatos, you know.

Fine, whatever.

Moving on… But, wait! There’s more…

Drinking and Smoking: My Childhood Memories

Kernut the Blond Posted on by

Ahhh, childhood memories. So sweet, so innocent, so…

…much like a college frat party.

What is was like at Mom's.

For the most part, I lived a pretty sheltered life growing up in the Santa Barbara area until shortly before the age of 14. After my parents divorced when I was around eight, my younger sister, Chickenbone, and I lived with our mom most of the year. We had to be in the house at 5pm, and in bed at 8:00 or 8:30pm, depending on our age. We had chores to do every weekend and were fed health food.

McDonald’s was not on the menu. We stole candy from the local candy store because we were starved for sugar. (I hope the statute of limitations has run out ’cause I just totally confessed to a major crime. Again.)

Then I was sent to live with my father in Capitola, but for the next year my sister continued to live with my mother. Things were very different at Dad’s: My curfew for school nights was midnight, bedtime was up to me, I could eat whatever I wanted, and drink from the liquor cabinet.

SCORE!!

When I graduated 8th grade, Dad bought me a beer to celebrate. But, wait! There’s more…

Random Things I Found Funny This Week

Kernut the Blond Posted on by

This one speaks for itself.

My Blog is a Guilty Pleasure

Pepperidge Farm Doesn’t Understand Me

UPS Hires Basketball Players

My Gift: Some Assembly, and Transportation, Required

Google Searches Confuse Me, and Others

(Really, I’ve got nothing. And sometimes Google has nothing, too.)

A friend emailed me the other day to tell he how much he enjoys my blog.

🙂 I start getting all warm and fuzzy. No, really, I’m actually not being sarcastic this time. I love hearing how much you guys enjoy my blog. I get a little excited every time someone leaves a comment. Just a little. Like I do about chocolate. Every. day.
 But, wait! There’s more…

The Anniversary of My 27th Birthday, Council Chambers in the Toilet, and More Pigeon Porn

Kernut the Blond Posted on by

Pigeons are doing it everywhere I go.

For the Anniversary of my 27th Birthday, I had plans for a lovely three-day weekend: A trip on a boat, a massage and dinner with a friend and, most especially, birthday nookie.

Birthday nookie is important. Everyone should get birthday nookie.

It should be a requirement. It is if you’re with me.

My birthday, your birthday, New Year’s Eve, Valentine’s Day, Arbor Day…

Any day that ends in “y”.

Moving on…

I’m sorry to say all the plans fell through. No massage, no boat ride. *sigh*

No birthday nookie!

But I had a backup plan: Beach party, and bonfire with friends and smores. I love smores.

Almost as much as birthday nookie.

Those plans fell through, too. (Boring, uninteresting story or I would totally tell you.)

I didn’t get smores. *sniff*

No birthday nookie, no smores. (the hell?!)

I had an absolutely lovely day, nonetheless. Wherever I am is where the party is.

First I stopped at the Capitola City Council Chambers. They were in the toilet…. But, wait! There’s more…

The Birds, The Bees, and Pigeon Porn

Kernut the Blond Posted on by

It only leads to babies, and apparently VD.

You should learn something new every day, or so they say.

I want my readers to feel they learn something random useful from my blog.

Hey, you may find yourself playing Nintendo’s Wii “Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader” some day and then you’ll thank me.

Today, this is it: Birds and humans have a remarkably similar courtship practice. There is more to the phrase “The Birds & The Bees” then we know.

You’ve all heard about my cat …..WAIT, don’t run away! It get’s better.

A little.

I worry The Kibble Wrangler gets bored when I’m not home so I throw birdseed out on the balcony to make “Kitty TV”. You know, so she can see some birds behind the glass and chatter at them. Remember what it might be like to be free and chasing them. Kitty TV or kitty torture, there’s a fine line between the two.

I assumed Kitty TV was working just fine – until the other evening. I was home and had a chance to observe it for a bit. (No, I do not have a wild social life at the moment. This is it, folks: I’m amused just watching Kitty TV.)

I swear I didn’t know when I innocently put out birdseed for Kitty TV, I was actually signing up for the porn channel. How could I know this?? I mean, where’s the Kitty TV installation manual? Right? Birdseed should really come with one.

Lemme explain… But, wait! There’s more…