A Big Lump On My Butt Cheek

Kernut the Blond Posted on by


Buy custom products at Kernut’s Zazzle store

Butt map

Sing it with me: ‘We are the world…’

(I just thought of the interesting search results the title might produce. Eeeew. By the way – do NOT Google images for that phrase.)

A big lump on my butt cheek.

A bump on my rump.

A pain in the ass. P.I.T.A. for short.

You might be thinking: ‘Is she having kinky sex again? Did things get a bit wild?’

Sadly, no.

And it’s not painful, anymore.

I was once an unruly teenager who did things like sneak out of the house in the middle of the night. On one such occasion, while sneaking out on a dark, rainy night – in flip-flops because I’m super smart like that – I slipped on the wet CONCRETE stairs. My right foot went out from under me and the sharp edge of the CONCRETE step met the soft top of my butt cheek. The pain was excruciating. I crawled to the garage to get out of the rain, because I couldn’t walk.

That evening’s mission to sneak out ended there…. But, wait! There’s more…

I Brought Sand To The Beach

Kernut the Blond Posted on by
Head in the sand.

Really, this would have been better.

This is filed under Random Rants, and Dating. This pretty much assures it can’t be good. Feel free to leave now.

Ok, you’ve been warned.

My sister, Chickenbone, once told me ‘Don’t bring sand to the beach.’

Me: ???

Chickenbone: If you’re single, don’t bring a date to a party.

Me: (still) ???

Chickebone: …where there are single men.

Me (a minute later): Ohhhh. (the light bulb isn’t always super bright, folks)

That conversation was years ago, but I’ve kept it in the back of my mind.

Until last weekend.

Let me paint the picture for y’all… I was sick. Sick as a dog with a cold, and laryngitis. No voice at all on Friday. Awesome. I even had to cancel a business meeting I was looking forward to, because really, how can you talk with a potential client WHEN YOU HAVE NO VOICE with which to sell your services. No, not those kinds of services! *sigh* It’s really my fault for leading you down that path all too often.

I was determined not to let my sickness affect my three-day weekend. On with the plans! But, wait! There’s more…

Life Before The Computer

Kernut the Blond Posted on by

Just a short post (that I totally copied from a funny email). (Just so you know, this isn’t plagiarism like what happened to Aunt Becky at Mommy Wants Vodka. No, seriously. It is not! This came from one of those e-jokes, and had no author listed. It’s totally different. Mostly because I’m just to lazy to write a real post today and this was funny. They typos, however, are totally mine since I retyped this from scratch.)

Life Before The Computer: But, wait! There’s more…

Capitola Begonia Festival is Live Blogging FAIL #2

Kernut the Blond Posted on by
Capitola Begonia Festival 2010. Outlaw 36 Gang's Octopus's Garden.

Capitola Begonia Festival 2010. Outlaw 36 Gang's Octopus's Garden took third place. (photo courtesy of/borrowed from The Santa Cruz Sentinel.)

What is it with me and these Live Blogging fails?? Seriously.

I don’t claim to be a techno genius, but it shouldn’t be this hard. Twitter hates me. That’s all I can think of.

Or, my unicorn force field has disturbed the ability of my technology to function correctly.

Crap.

Well, on with the AWESOMENESS that was to be my live blog from the Capitola Begonia Festival. But, wait! There’s more…

Zombie Attack Plan – Got One?

Kernut the Blond Posted on by
zombie picture

This is what they look like. Keep an eye out. No, not like an eye out of your head, just look for them.

Serious studies have been undertaken by scientists on the likelihood of civilization’s survival in the event of a Zombie Apocalypse.

I’m not making this up, people. Several scientific (?) groups have undertaken Zombology, the study of zombies, postulating the outcome of a zombie attack, and general zombie-preparedness. Finally, your tax dollars at work for something useful. Be proud your government cares so much for your survival they conducted zombie-attack scenarios on your behalf.

The studies agree zombies will be smarter, just like in the movies. Fifty years ago zombies were slow and not too bright, but now they’re quick, and resourceful tool users. Unfortunately, the studies don’t all agree on our survival: Some say civilization as we know it will survive, while others say we will all become zombies or die. This is not helpful.

A very conscientious friend sent me this Zombie Bite Calculator. He’s obviously concerned about the impending Zombie Apocalypse.

After a few quick questions, it calculated the length of time I’ll live after incurring a zombie bite before becoming infected. I’ll have an estimated 65 minutes. This is very useful information.

Now all I need is a “I’ve got 65 minutes to live” plan.

So I began to search Zombie Attack Survival Plans, of course. I found this quiz: Would You Survive A Zombie Attack?

My test results:

Would you survive a zombie attack?You live!

You lived!

Personality Test Results

Excellent. Arnold will be there, too.

One possible outcome the studies seemed to have overlooked is the obvious likelihood we domesticate zombies like they do in Fido, the world’s funniest – and most realistic – zombie movie. Domesticated zombies become household servants. This is the outcome we want, people. I need some household help, the laundry isn’t doing itself.

But what are we supposed to do if an asteroid strikes the planet? I realize it’s not as likely as a Zombie Apocalypse, but are they at least looking in to study that?

UPDATE: My readers are awesome. And apparently quite resourceful and zombie conscious. Patia provided this link to Zombie Tools. They’re made in Missoula, Montana. This begs the question – what do they know in Missoula that we don’t? And Mike sent this: Zombie Squad. It seems there are quite a lot of us concerned about the Zombie Apocalypse. There’s even an annual convention, Zombie Con. Great. Now I feel totally unprepared, y’all.

Tiny Houses and The Great Wanderlust

Kernut the Blond Posted on by

Sunset cruise on the Princess Monterey. It helped, but just enough to get me through the week.

From Mega Yachts to Tiny Houses.

This blog all over the place.

But if you’ve read at least three posts here, you already knew that. Besides, I wouldn’t know how/where to categorize this whole blog, given the limited options provided by Google and Yahoo.

Whatever. Their loss.

Actually, “Whatever” might just be the perfect category.

But I digress. Yet again.

Lately I’ve had this sense of unrest, this sense of needing to GO. Go where, I don’t know, but just to GO. Somewhere, almost anywhere, really.

I have a bad case of wanderlust. This happens to me quite regularly. I do love my wanderlust, it takes me to the most interesting places, on some interesting journeys, and fun adventures.

But it won’t be ignored. Like an intense craving, or more like being pulled towards something. I HAVE to go. I can stave it off for a month or so by spending a day or three at the coast, either Monterey or Santa Barbara. For years that has been enough.

But not anymore. It seems my wanderlust has grown stronger. A trip to the coast only seems to stave it off or a week or two rather than a month or two. Now it calls to me ALL. THE. TIME. Three months ago it was already calling me constantly when I mentioned it in Panic Much? FEAR = F*ck Everything And Run. I still want to get a motorhome, pack in the cat, and all the shit that will fit, and hit the road. I have a list of places I want to see, most qualifying as what I affectionately call Cheezy Americana. And then there are the places like the Grand Canyon, which I have yet to see.

Tumbleweed Tiny House

Tumbleweed Tiny House - on wheels!

I don’t own a home, so this would be easy to accomplish. Recently, I saw these…

Tiny Houses from Tumbleweed Tiny House Company

They’re so cute I can’t stand it. I want one! OMG What a way to see the country. They’re beautiful inside and have many mini amenities. Now I can’t decide if I want the charm of the tiny house, or the full functionality of a motor home.

Having lived in fairly large homes, and in really tiny ones, I learned having a massive place in which to live, but no one with whom to share it makes for a hugely empty home. As long as I have my cat, a nice bed, a comfy chair, decent closet, bathroom, and kitchenette space, lots of light, internet, cell phone, TV, and peace and quiet I’m quite happy.

Being mobile with all that would be a huge bonus. And it seems an excellent cure for my wanderlust.

A Mega Yacht in Larry’s Backyard

Kernut the Blond Posted on by

Mega Yacht "A". This picture makes the 394 foot yacht look small, but if you look closely you can see a tiny, little boat in front of it. There are about 6 people in that little boat.

The BIG local news is all about this Mega Yacht, the “A”, owned by 38 year-old Russian Billionaire Andrey Melnichenko, that’s currently anchored off the coast of Sausalito (near San Francisco).

There are three pools, one with a glass bottom viewable in the dance room below, and doorknobs worth $40,000 on the ship. Entry to the master suite (all 2,500 square feet) is by finger print recognition. There is also a special “nookie” room. This is my kind of man! The mega yacht is 394 feet in length, and worth a mere $300 million, but it’s only the 12th largest in the world. It is smaller in size to Larry Ellison’s (local celebrity of Oracle fame/billions), Larry has a reputation in these parts (and also Malibu) as being somewhat of an ass.

I love the fact that Andrey has parked his mega yacht in Larry’s back yard, so to speak. Hah. Yay Andrey!

Mega Yacht Eclipse

Mega Yacht Eclipse. My new home.

Eclipse, the world’s largest mega yacht an estimated at 538 feet in length, is owned by another young Russian billionaire Roman Abramovich. This beauty has two helicopter pads, you know in case you want to go to a different port than others on the yacht. Like the “A”, much of the glass is bullet proof. I’ve ridden in a bullet proof Mercedes before – this is so right for me!!

Roman will be 44 this year, and he’s pretty damn cute (not that I’m superficial or anything, it’s not all about looks with me).

He has a bit of a bad boy reputation. Fuck, it’s like he was made for me, y’all!

Hey Roman – I’m single and love yachts and bad boys. We should hook up!

Q & A Sexionnaire

Kernut the Blond Posted on by
Questions and Answers.

Questions and Answers. The answers may or may not be accurate.

Before I start, let me just tell you all this is the only question I’ve received in months.

Months.

Ummm, is anyone still out there?

Anonymous Question: Do you still enjoy ALL the actions of sex?

Answer: Ok, so I have to wonder why you said ‘still’. Do I somehow seem old? Past my prime? My picture may be a bit airbrushed, but it is not old. ‘Still’ implies I am past a certain age of enjoying the pleasures in life, and there has been, or will be, a decline in my level of enjoyment. Let me assure you there has been no decline, nor do I see one in the future. I’m just as randy as ever.

In answer to the second part where you emphasize the word ‘ALL’… that’s a pretty big category there. ‘ALL’ could include actions like hardcore S&M (cutting, biting, knife play), orgies, or a whole host of other things. I don’t enjoy those mentioned above, so I guess the answer is no, I do not enjoy ‘ALL’ the actions of sex. While I’m not ‘vanilla’, I’m not all spice, either. 😉

Thank you for the question! I blog live for your questions and comments. Feel free to ask me more questions. Anytime. Really. PLEASE? (The form is just to the left of this post. Sending me tickets to Hawaii is not a requirement. But it’s a nice thought.)

Not At BlogHer – Live Blogging From LA

Kernut the Blond Posted on by
Freezing in Santa Cruz

Not LA, but I was chilly in this picture. This is probably what I look like right now since the weather in LA is cold.

Hello My Dear Kernutties from sunny cloudy Los Angeles!

Since I’m #NotAtBlogHer (and totally jealous of all the blogalicious gals who went), I’m doing this. Yay for you! I’m hoping to do live tweets from my trip to LA this weekend. But my phone isn’t a “smart phone”, it’s only of average intelligence. If it doesn’t work, you won’t see any tweets below. They may instead be above. Crap, I just realized that.

Or maybe you don’t see any tweets because I was kidnapped by a hot knight/swarthy pirate/romantic gentleman. (Hey, one can dream. Don’t judge.) But per chance I am really kidnapped, use this picture on the missing poster, ok? You will make a missing poster for me, right? Right? Hello?

(UPDATED 8/9/10: My tweets did not come through. In the words of Wicked Shawn, le sigh. I will recreate the awesome tweets here tonight.)

4:41:33 AM: Up at 0-dark-hundred to drive an hour to meet the charter bus to LA. I hope this live blogging is working. #NotatBlogHer

7:35:33 AM: ok it appears live blogging on kernut.com is not working right for this noob… None of my AWESOME tweets came thru. (THIS is the only tweet, besides the opening/title that posted to my blog. WTF??)

8:27:33 AM: One the bus to LA with crazy people. (pic here Twitpic didn’t work either probably because I’m a clueless noob. It’s probably good I didn’t go to BlogHer – I don’t think they would have let me in.)

12:19:33 PM: This is the trophy we fight for in the softball game. (pic here) (The reason for this trip isn’t really the fellowship, the camaraderie, or the two big groups getting together twice a year. It’s actually all about this trophy. Don’t let anyone tell you different.)

3:45:33 PM: Self Realization Fellowship in Pacific Palisades (pic here) (This place is beautiful! If you’re ever in the area, check it out.)

4:58:33 PM: Venice Beach… loud, bad music, many cool knick knacks, and a lot of interesting peeps. (pic here, mostly of my thumb)

(Sunday)

10:41:33 AM: Sorry, but Monterey lost the ball game. With so many of our star players out it was an easy win for Santa Monica. We’ll get the trophy back in December! (Yes, you’re right if you’re thinking this is too long for a tweet. By this time I had given up on the Twitter and posted this as a Facebook status.)

So there you have it, folks. My first foray into Live Blogging, unlike Absence of Alternatives (click for example of how it’s supposed to go, not her first), crashed and burned. I couldn’t even get Twitpic to post my pictures. I still don’t know why neither one worked. Maybe it’s because my cell phone is only semi-intelligent (as opposed to being a ‘smart’ phone)?? I can text my tweets to Twitter and FB and it will post them. I had signed up for Twitpic, but this was my first attempt at sending pics to it from my phone.

I will try again some day because Twitter is sucking me in (maybe from Concours d’Elegance this weekend??). I can’t stop it, so I’m just going with it. *fingers crossed*

I Had Da Powers – Nuclear, That Is

Kernut the Blond Posted on by
Boiling Water Reactor Schematic

A Boiling Water Reactor schematic. This one is SOOO much cooler than the black and white schematics we fixed. Ours were just Xerox copies.

General Electric builds boiling water reactors (BWR), a type of nuclear power plant. I drew fixed the seriously degraded schematics that trained the new power plant employees.

No, I’m not a nuclear scientist. I’m not an electrician. I had skills as a pen and ink artist. That’s it.

Yes, that should scare you.

No, I was not an exception. None of us working there had any experience in nuclear power or electrical backgrounds.

My step-mother wrote the technical documents that went with the schematics. She didn’t have any experience in nuclear power or electronics either.

Oh, I almost forgot – I was a teenager.

AND they gave me a fairly high security clearance.

HA! So much for thorough background checks.

On the news this morning they mentioned there’s a new computer worm specifically designed to attack nuclear power plants and utilities. Stuxnet is the name of the malicious software. (Industrial Virus Revives Power Grid Hacking Fears.)

Really Hackers/Terrorists? It’s totally lame of you to have wasted all that time developing some software – one that has been detected, mind you. All you had to do was send some kid down there to apply for a job. Any job.

I was a teenager with no real skills. This was my first real job that wasn’t babysitter or Radio Shack clerk. (Supposedly, drinking doesn’t count as a skill. Whatever.) I started out copying the manuals and documents. My supervisor at GE Nuclear taught me to draw in pen and ink after I got the job.

It’s not exactly a well-guarded secret facility. Seriously Terrorists/Hackers, do a little research before investing all that time developing software. Any kid could get in.