Hotter than a June bride in a feather bed
I could’ve just said “It’s hot,” but folks get a little tired of hearing the same phrase over and over.
God is cooking Texas. My cousin thinks He’s cooking southern Utah is for dessert.
The weather is a big topic in Texas. The weather channel is included in the channel lineup as if it were one of the major networks. It will come as no surprise that Texans also have colorful sayings describing the weather.
I have previously written about how “It’s raining like a cow pissin’ on a flat rock.” Then there is the title of this post, “Hotter than a June bride in a feather bed.” And another saying describing the weather in a most colorful way, one I opted not to use as a title today, “Hotter than a whore on nickle night.”
Ahem. Did I mention the sayings were colorful?
That’s your lesson for today. If you happen to be in an area where the weather is a regular topic, you now have some sayings to liven up the conversation. Or get a date. Could go either way.
I’d love to know any others you’ve heard (about the weather, not pickup lines) – I need more blog post titles. No, seriously.
A Day on Lake Wood
In homage to the heat, I present you with a lovely day on the lake. This is Lake Wood in Gonzales, Texas, the same town with the old stuff and that cannon. Lake Wood is on the Guadalupe River. “The Guadalupe” is a big deal around these sweltering hot parts because it is the main river and body of water running from the northwest Hill Country to southeast Hill/Oil Country. It’s a tuber’s paradise.
And because of that, it is the riverside homeowners’ nightmare. Just imagine having a bunch of noisy, drinking, peeing, out-of-control dorks floating past your back yard every summer. Seeing as how I feel about folks in my yard, I’d probably be inclined to take up target practice. It’d be like shooting at those bobbing and diving fake ducks you see at a carnival.
But I digress. *sigh* Let’s get on with the photos, shall we?
From Lake Wood Park and the boat ramp you can’t really see how long the river is, how far back it goes with all its twists and turns. There were definitely some spots way back in there where I’d swear I heard banjo music playing. And there were a couple homes completely covered by buzzards. Talk about eerie! But to the best of my knowledge no one has gone missing and everyone who goes in comes out alive.
In all honesty, it is a lovely, peaceful lake. Even with the creepy parts and the eerie home-owning buzzards.
Two Houston Texans fans died in a terrible pickup truck Crash. Since they had led terrible lives, they were sent to Hell and greeted by Satan. Satan wasn’t pleased that they didn’t seem to mind the heat and turned the thermostat up. The Texans fans weren’t bothered a bit and seemed to enjoy it. Satan turned the furnace up to full blast and eventually couldn’t couldn’t stand it himself. The Houston Texans fans laughed at Satan.
Satan finally figured it out and turned off the heat entirely. Rivers of molten rock cooled and eventually Hell was covered in sheets of ice. Satan checked on the two Texans and was shocked to see them laughing and dancing and hi-fiving. “What the Hell is wrong with you two?”, Satan bellowed. One of them answered, “Well, Hell just froze over, The Houston Texans must have won the Super Bowl!”
I take it they’re bad. Weren’t they once called the Oilers? I don’t follow football much, but I do know high school football trumps all games in Texas. College football is second, and AFL/NFL third.
The saw I’m used to hearing is close, but slightly more colorful… “Hotter than a two bit floozy on nickel night…”
It’s entirely possible I don’t have the wording right on that one, MB. 🙂
I would rig up a fake alligator and when the tubers come into sight, start reeling him across the river. (If you don’t have gators, a snake will do.) If people are going to be floating across your back yard, it might as well be entertaining.
That might present a bigger problem… In Texas they shoot every critter that moves. My decoy would be shot full of holes by the first tuber.
Not for your headline, but:
Hotter than a fresh fucked fox in a forest fire.
Sorry, I didn’t make it up, just repeating what I’ve heard!
Magee
Ooh, that’s a good one, Magee! I haven’t heard it before.
The oilers moved to Tennessee, became the Tennessee Oilers. Then the Tennessee Titans. The Houston Texans is an entirely new team. With a dumb name.
Yours truly,
Ex-Houstonian and Oilers fan.
Once upon a time, I had a Houston Oilers t-shirt. (They were first the “Houston” Oilers, right?) That was a great shirt. (I wonder what happened to it.?)
They’ve must be the only team that’s changed names that often.