(This post was inspired by Oh Noa’s on lying to her future children. It reminded me of the many lies my parents told us.)
I don’t know about you, but I need some humor while I sort through the Match.com adventures. So today I bring you Lies My Parents Told Me.
1. If you don’t behave I’m going to trade you in for new kids. My Dad said there was a catalog of kids he could trade us for. A catalog of good kids. Chickenbone and I believed this. We were cuter than we were smart. After my father threatened to do this one too many times, we got really worried. We told Mom that Dad planned to get rid of us by trading us in for good kids. After she stopped laughing, Mom told us that he couldn’t do that. Then she laughed some more. When we told Dad that Mom told us the truth, he laughed, too. That is, until he realized the threat was no longer valid.
2. This is going to hurt me more than it will hurt you. Yeah, I’m an adult now and I still don’t buy that crap.
3. We’re divorced. They weren’t. Then they got back together. Then, years later, they got divorced. For real. This time they waited until the minute my father was leaving with suitcases in hand to tell us. Not much time for us to get used to the idea. No time to learn that divorce meant Dad wasn’t going to live with us anymore. A heart-breaking moment for sure. I’m still scarred. And you wondered why I blog. It’s all starting to become clear now, isn’t it?
4. If you don’t eat your vegetables, kids in Africa will starve. Since we really didn’t want the vegetables and the kids in Africa needed them, we asked if we could send them our vegetables in the mail. Mom said no. So we said she shouldn’t buy so many.
5. If you breath with your mouth open you’ll get cancer. Actually, this one came from my paternal grandmother. She said it to my father when he was a kid. I’m pretty sure she started this whole make-shit-up-to-keep-your-kids-in-line thing.
6. Your cat went to Hollywood to be in the movies. Also from same grandmother to my father, after his pet cat passed away. He kept looking for it on TV. He needs a blog, too.
7. If you don’t have sex before you get married, you’ll get 1/3 of the Texas ranch. My maternal grandfather said this to me. When my mother found out years later, she couldn’t believe it. You see, there were a couple other people in line for that inheritance before me, my sister and my cousin – namely my mother and her sister. None of us got it. No, no, not because of the sex before you’re married thing. They sold it for something more manageable in their old age. I’m really glad I didn’t hold out for it.
This is exactly why I won’t have kids. I’d just find myself lying to them.
Come to think of it, I’m not sure my parents have stopped. Huh. I’m sure when they say I shouldn’t have sex before I get married they don’t really mean that.