Category Archives: Zombie Apocalypse

Greeting Cards for The Zombie Apocalypse

Kernut the Blond Posted on by
Zombie Defense Classes

Ascension Martial Arts in San Jose, CA is offering Zombie Defense Classes - These people are THINKING AHEAD. We need to do the same.

I’m sure by now you’ve all heard of the impending Zombie Apocalypse.

No? Please catch up – if not for your sake, then for the sake of others. This is no time to be selfish.

Governments have even done studies on the (un) likelihood civilization as we know it will survive a zombie attack. Our (usually none-too-bright) Government knows the Zombie Apocalypse is coming.

We sure can’t trust THEM to protect us, people. It’s the Government y’all – they’ll probably be the ones who CREATE the zombies.

An earlier post, Zombie attack Plan – Got One?, includes quizzes you can take on the likelihood of surviving a Zombie Attack. (Go ahead and take the quizzes, we’ll wait.)

If you don’t do well on the quizzes, don’t worry – these guys can help: A local martial arts company is now offering Zombie Defense Classes. (No, they’re not paying me. In fact, they don’t even know I’m writing this. When they find out, I hope they like the post because, really, they could kick my ass if they don’t. They kick ass for a living, people.)

Their tag line? “Close Combat Techniques… because you WILL run out of ammo.”

Seriously, they’re right. You will.

They ask us ‘When the dead rise, will you be able to dispatch them with a simple smile on your face and a witty comeback on your lips?’

I think not.

These guys are really smart – they’re thinking ahead. They’re thinking OUTSIDE of the Zombie box, people. We need to do the same or we’re going to be left behind.

That’s when I came up with the idea for Zombie Apocalypse Greeting Cards But, wait! There’s more…

Zombie Attack Plan – Got One?

Kernut the Blond Posted on by
zombie picture

This is what they look like. Keep an eye out. No, not like an eye out of your head, just look for them.

Serious studies have been undertaken by scientists on the likelihood of civilization’s survival in the event of a Zombie Apocalypse.

I’m not making this up, people. Several scientific (?) groups have undertaken Zombology, the study of zombies, postulating the outcome of a zombie attack, and general zombie-preparedness. Finally, your tax dollars at work for something useful. Be proud your government cares so much for your survival they conducted zombie-attack scenarios on your behalf.

The studies agree zombies will be smarter, just like in the movies. Fifty years ago zombies were slow and not too bright, but now they’re quick, and resourceful tool users. Unfortunately, the studies don’t all agree on our survival: Some say civilization as we know it will survive, while others say we will all become zombies or die. This is not helpful.

A very conscientious friend sent me this Zombie Bite Calculator. He’s obviously concerned about the impending Zombie Apocalypse.

After a few quick questions, it calculated the length of time I’ll live after incurring a zombie bite before becoming infected. I’ll have an estimated 65 minutes. This is very useful information.

Now all I need is a “I’ve got 65 minutes to live” plan.

So I began to search Zombie Attack Survival Plans, of course. I found this quiz: Would You Survive A Zombie Attack?

My test results:

Would you survive a zombie attack?You live!

You lived!

Personality Test Results

Excellent. Arnold will be there, too.

One possible outcome the studies seemed to have overlooked is the obvious likelihood we domesticate zombies like they do in Fido, the world’s funniest – and most realistic – zombie movie. Domesticated zombies become household servants. This is the outcome we want, people. I need some household help, the laundry isn’t doing itself.

But what are we supposed to do if an asteroid strikes the planet? I realize it’s not as likely as a Zombie Apocalypse, but are they at least looking in to study that?

UPDATE: My readers are awesome. And apparently quite resourceful and zombie conscious. Patia provided this link to Zombie Tools. They’re made in Missoula, Montana. This begs the question – what do they know in Missoula that we don’t? And Mike sent this: Zombie Squad. It seems there are quite a lot of us concerned about the Zombie Apocalypse. There’s even an annual convention, Zombie Con. Great. Now I feel totally unprepared, y’all.