Oh my, how you’ve changed
Happy New Year, my dear Kernutties!
New Year’s is my favorite holiday, for a lot of reasons, but mostly for the fresh beginning. (I’ve always held a secret desire to get married on New Year’s Day.) I read something today that said we don’t have to wait a whole year, but instead can make every day a Happy New Day.
So, Happy New Day!
Today, January 1st, 2015, I turned fourteen years sober. That day is a bit unique as a sobriety date and people often ask me, “How did you do it?”
“I passed out before midnight on December 31st,” I deadpan. (Only alcoholics will get this.)
Most folks answer, “One day at a time.”
The truth is it had nothing to do with passing out before midnight; I couldn’t have done it without the fellowship, and those who’ve gone before me, lighting the way. Thank you all, for my sobriety.
This includes my readers – you have been there for me, too, whether you know it or not. Your comments, your emails, even those of you who don’t contact me (I see your numbers in the stats), just knowing you’re out there and interested enough to read my drivel makes me feel connected to you all in some small way and I love you for it.
Since it’s my sober birthday, I get to write what I want. Today I want to write one of my less-than-stellar “poems” (for lack of a better word). It doesn’t rhyme well, and it’s probably grammatically incorrect (not that I’d know). This one isn’t even happy or funny, but this blog doubles as my therapist. Sorry. Feel free to skip this and come back for the next post, which is bound to be better by default.
This post/poem is about the changes over the last two years I’ve seen in a practicing alcoholic, one for whom I care greatly. He will hate me for writing this, but he’s already lost to me. Alcohol won that battle hands down, long ago.
The Big Heart
Once so present, the big heart is now hard to see
A steely exterior keeps it hidden from me.
Self-imposed isolation and alcohol dictate all
We fear he is destined for an even greater fall.
To the bottom he thinks he’s already been
“I once lost it all,” he says again and again.
So the bottle he continues to choose,
But there is still much more for him to lose:
A life, a love, family and friends,
That heart so big it has no end.
A kind look, a gentle caress, that soft smile
A glimpse of that heart, I still see once in a while.
To be hidden again under the cold hard shell
For fear of feeling the painful, demoralizing hell.
The bottle comes out, and the kindness hides
Sharp words, cruel gestures belie his gentle side.
My hand outstretched offered the way
To uncover that big heart day by day.
To water you lead, but for beer he grasps
Spiraling farther downward ever so fast.
And helpless you are to provoke a change
Letting him go is all that remains.
Farewell, my dear friend, I’ll miss you, again.
Thank you all for being part of my life, my blog, and my sobriety. May 2015 bring each and every one of you peace, love, and happiness!
JUST WANT TO SAY I LIKE YOUR BLOG THE MOST AND YOU TOO!! HAVE A HAPPY NEW YEAR ALL YEAR LONG.
Thank you, Joe! 🙂 Happy New Year to you, too! I wish you and yours all the best for the new year, and for many more to come!
I know one of these, but haven’t given up yet. I so understand your poem.
Thank you, Magee. I’ll never give up hope on him, or any of the others I know. But it will have to be from afar for now. He’s become so bitter and angry at the world that he’s often cruel and selfish – and he used to be one of the nicest guys I’ve known. The other day he did something so selfish and self-centered to a very sweet, ailing, older gentleman at the RV park that shocked me – and it takes a lot to do that. I lost some respect for him when he did that. He’s pushed away everyone who knows him, and he’s about to be fired. He’s driving drunk all the time. But he thinks he’s fine. I can only hope he gets it before he kills himself or someone else.
Of the three I mentioned in “You can lead a horse to water…” a couple years ago (he being one), I know one is doing very well, and she’s sober. The third is MIA, and I’ll probably never know what happened to him.
All we can do is pray for them. I’ll add your friend to my prayers.
It’s me, Becky! Happy New Year! I either didn’t know, or had forgotten, about your sobriety, buy it makes sense, because I remember we didn’t drink while being together, or else didn’t discuss it. I have a close relative, very dear to me,and very young, who hasn’t reached rock bottom yet, and it’s killing the family while we ‘wait’. This person has mooched off of every conceivable relative and friend, and is now living with yet another / other unrelated ‘destitute family.
“I” am the only family member who hasn’t been approached directly for help, and have had time to think about what my response will be. I have decided that I would only send a couple of internet “printable” gift certificates (to restaurants), probably through a ‘gift’ on Facebook, so it would be available immediately, but not send money of any kind. (this sweet relative lives in Houston, and is young, and has access to fast food places and restaurants) With help from family in the past, they have gone through 3 cars, a motorcycle, drug rehab, job help, an almost fatal car accident ( a miracle was only skinned up in a rollover 2-car accident.) We are all lost as how to help, because having this person under a relative’s roof means having to lock down things of value when alcohol is desired, so we all made a pact not to ‘take in’ a young adult again. We all lose sleep, and weep, but we really know after so much effort and problems, that a person has to either make an independent decision to stop the behavior, or else hit rock bottom, ……. so we pray for safety in the meantime!! After telling you all that, I want you to know how much I ADMIRE you, your strength, determination, and how you have made your life successful and fun! I would never have known you had struggled with it, because you are so much fun, full of personality, loving animals, kind to people, and such a good writer!
HAPPY NEW YEARS! HAPPY NEW DAY! HAPPY ME, ……….for having found a friend like you!!
Hugs,
Becky in “Wet” Texas
Hi Becky!!!
I’m so sorry to hear about your relative… my heart goes out to you! It is terribly difficult to watch someone you love slowly self-destruct. I’ll include your relative in my prayers.
OMG, you’re too kind with the compliments! But, thank you! 🙂 And you, dear, are all of those things – but more! You take in all those fur-babies and find them homes, caring for your neighbor/friend, and you started that huge RV group! I’ve met so many people through your group! I feel very fortunate to call you friend. 🙂
I promise I’m going to get to East Texas to see you one of these days, very soon! There is a trip to Jefferson, TX and then Shreveport, LA in the works. I’ll let you know if/when we get it sorted out.
Hugs and Happy New Year/Day/Minute!!
Jefferson is only an hour from me! If I’m not in Louisana at that GTG, I will happily drive to Jefferson and buy you lunch! I would love to see you! Let me know, ……. when you know. I have a couple of doctors appointments coming up, and I’m having to get some teeth crowned, but if at all possible, I will meet you!
Hugz,
Becky
Refresh my memory – in what town is the LA GTG? Or do you know how far the GTG is from Shreveport?
Hi, Sweetie,
Happy Birthday,
Your poem is excellent. Don’t put yourself down about your abilities. Those of us who know you personally admire you very much.
You have done what many of us dream of doing, i.e. left on the great road trip. All too often we have sat on bar stools and talked and talked about what we want to do and never get off the bar stool to do it. Because of how alcoholism, and addiction, rule our lives we never get to follow through with those dreams.
We who go to meetings are expecting the annual New Years rush of new comers to meetings. The courts these days are doing a great service to those who finally get arrested for DUI over the holidays by sending them to AA meetings. The tragedy is that only a pitiful few of them will stay. On the other hand, some of those that don’t get it the first time here but are given additional chances with later encounters with the legal system. I know a few of them who finally “got it” and have found wonderful new lives since then.
Again, Happy Birthday and may you have many, many more. A life in sobriety is a life to be treasured.
Becky, if your talking about rain, please send the surplus to California.
Be Good To Yourself, I love you,
Dennis Fleming
Yes, we are about to drown up in the northeast corner of Texas! I live between Dallas and Texarkana, and it is ‘nasty’ – cold and wet outside! But I would opt for the cold and rain over summer TX heat!
Becky
Hi Dennis!!
Thank you for the birthday wishes! Aw, I’m glad you liked my poem. 🙂 You’re so sweet to say such nice things about me.
I have hope he will turn out to be one of the ones who stumbles a few times before landing on his feet, soon. He’s had a few DUIs, a stint in rehab, and a healthy dose of the program. He wants it, but not enough yet. Sadly, he went right back to drinking and driving again, isolating, and intentionally hurting those who care about him.
Ah, I miss our little group in Cali! Please give everyone my best! Happy New Year/Day/Minute!!
Love and Hugs to you!
That is beautiful and shows a lot of truth that all friends of Bill W. can recognise, congratulations on the 14 years, that is wonderful. My husband took 16 years on the first and I will have 21 on the 9th, lol, seems like we all wanted a “New Year” Big hugs. I pray your friend can find his way back.
Happy New Year, Carmen!
Thank you for the kind words about my poem. I teared-up as I wrote it. It’s sad that everyone around him can see so much more clearly what’s happening to him, what he’s doing to himself and others. But he’s blind to it, being too close to the problem. Thanks, I know he’ll appreciate the prayers.
And thank you for the birthday wishes! I remembered you and your hubby had anniversaries coming up, but couldn’t remember the days. Congratulations to you! Please tell your hubby congratulations from me, too. It never ceases to amaze me when I find how we’re everywhere!
Next time I’m in AZ, or you’re in TX, we’ll have to meet! Big hugs!!
Wow, it sounds so familiar. My wife’s brother is an alcoholic, currently doing okay. One of her sisters decided pills were the best way to go, and she is finally okay. But it is ridiculous that you can’t get people help until they do something bad enough to get arrested. My sister-in-law stole one of my guns, blamed it on one of my sons, and eventually shot herself with it. After she got out of the hospital she asked me “What kind of bullets were those?” I answered “hollow points, of course. “She now has several pieces of hollowpoint in her shoulder, permanently. She’s lucky she didn’t take one of the 45s. She wouldn’t have a shoulder.
Anyway, congrats on your many years of sobriety, and your skill at writing poetry. It was very touching. Hope you can get up this way someday and we can say hi in person.
Oh, and happy new year too.
Hi Andy!
I’m so sorry to hear about your relative’s experiences with the disease. I’m glad to hear your wife and her sister are doing well now. Your SIL is very lucky, indeed. My ex-boyfriend from several years ago shot himself and did not live. He was also an alcoholic with a big heart, like the man whom the poem is about.
Thank you for the congratulations and compliment on my poetry. I really didn’t think anyone would like it. 🙂 I hope we do get a chance to meet in person! If, before I make it to VA (you are in VA, right?) you happen to be in my neck of the woods, please let me know!
Hi Kernut,
I finally got around to reading your blog this Monday morning. I’ve regretted not having time to talk to you before or after the get togethers. It’s hard to get into meaningful conversation, it’s hard to get to know someone standing on the street in wintertime — especially for me who’s not that comfortable in a less than ideal situation. An ideal situation would be a warm, quiet coffee shop, for example, with time free to talk at leisure.
So I’m really glad to see that you have this blog which gives us a good idea of what’s happening with you. And also a place to respond. Thanks again for giving so much of yourself. I hope we can be in much better touch. H
Hello Holly!
I’m so glad you could “drop by”! This blog doubles as my therapist. When y’all read my ramblings, you are part of that conversation. I love to write about my goofy travels and the goofy sites I see, too. That’s waht got me started on this journey in the first place.
Yes, it isn’t always easy to chat one-on-one at the get togethers. I vote people open more late night coffee shops! 🙂 The local-ish (from my Cow-Pizza Town vantage point) Starbucks is always packed! See you soon!