You all are funny, and patient, and kind – and you are the reason I continue to slog through the junk in my online dating inbox. Your comments give me hope and encouragement there just might be a good guy among all the frogs in the online dating arena, and in the real world.

I thought you might enjoy reading a couple more of the less-than-stellar emails I got. These guys did not make it past what you see here, but the interaction makes for decent blog fodder – and as a warning to anyone considering dating again.

First up: Really hot service man, probable gym rat, 47 years old. Profile says he lives in Michigan. Bummer. (He’ll get a name in a few minutes; you’ll see why.)

Good evening 🙂

Do a stranger a awesome favor please, would you take a moment to read my profile just as I’ve done here briefly yo yours beautiful

I’d like a opportunity to engage in one another’s meaningful and intellectually conversation and it be our basis of a refreshing friendship that may someday mature into a great friendship

A relationship that brought out the playfulness and amazingly smiles that truly emulates a great time

I’m the man that wishies to know you on a intellectual level now that you grabbed a whole of my attention and thoughts

May I someday compliment you by naturally generating a smile because not of the occasional and repeated holidays ie Valentine’s day approaching but because of the day’s in between

(Very American Name)
Ps
Have a peaceful nights rest tonight

Ok, at first pass, this seems like a really sweet letter, albeit riddled with poor English and grammar (not that I should talk). BUT, something about the treacly prose doesn’t ring true with me — it feels too contrived, too… something fake.

Do women really fall for this crap? Hey, I’m a hopeless romantic, to be sure, but getting an email like this out of the gate? Not. Buying. It.

The numerous misspellings and poor English, combined with his too hot photo, make me wonder if it’s a fake profile or if he’s trying too hard to manipulate or control an outcome. He writes a lot like the Intense-Angry-I’m-Not-A-DOM-Cop Guy did – and his profile name could be construed as a Dom term.

What the hell did Fifty Shades of Grey do to dating???

Hi (Very American Name),

Thank you for writing, and for your service to this country!

It’s too bad you live so far away… But do let me know if you ever move back to Texas. 🙂

Best of luck in your search!
(my fake name that I use with profiles I think are insincere or… something fake.)

He replied…

It’s my pleasure to have shared my thoughts after having read your beautiful profile (my fake name, but unlike Angry Cop Guy, he did manage to capitalize the first letter)

The good news is that I’m here living and working in San Antonio

(signed, Very American Name, but he is now known as I Don’t Know Where I Live Guy)

I Don’t Know Where I Live Guy sent two more, to which I did not reply because his profile still said Michigan:

Goodnight & Sleep peacefully

Good morning (my fake name)

I’ll feel bad if I ever find out he’s for real, but too much seemed wrong from the start. Note: nowhere in his emails did he reference anything in my profile. I have no idea if he read it, or just sent a long cut-and-paste email.

NEXT! Here we have a 49 year old ‘business owner’, from north of Hill Country. My thoughts as I read the email are in italics.

He shall be known as, I Named My Profile After a (Possibly Gay) Disney Character:

You
Your Rv (Why would I bring the RV? *senses a blond moment of naivete’*)
Your golf clubs
Legends golf club in Kingsland (<– hours away from me, what a lazy F’k.)
I will be waiting
Happy Everything !
(Real name, similar to Disney Character)

For my reply, I turned on the snark…

Tee em’ up. I’ll let you know when I’m there.

Obviously, my snark was lost on I Named My Profile After a (Possibly Gay) Disney Character…

Great ! (he can’t really be that dense?)
Im (Real name, similar to Disney Character – which he already told me).
Thanks for responding. Whats your name Miss (my profile name)?
Have ya been to lake LBJ?
My skill set includes a decent massage. (<– and you have just taken yourself forever out of the running. Not that you were in it, but now I don’t even want to be snarky with you.)
I do like your profile. We share a lot of interests. (What? golf, massage, and me driving to meet you? No wait, that last one was yours.)
And…….you are way pretty !
Happy Humpday (this wouldn’t have had recalled a double entendre before the massage comment)
(Real name, similar to Disney Character)

NEXT!
Or not.