(Click here to read Part 1: My Match.com FAIL.)

Albert Einstein said the Definition of Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

We’ve already established I’m not totally sane.

Part 2: My eHarmony FAIL

They boasted their personality questionnaire as the best way to match you with your mate. Deciding they, being professionals and all, had a better way to find my match than the lengthy profile and emails I had tried unsuccessfully, I took their bait.

After spending TWO HOURS of my precious life filing out their stupid personality questionnaire, I was ready to be matched. I set up my profile and they sent me a few guys. You can’t see anyone’s pictures in the first few rounds, you just get to see how “well” you are matched based on your TWO HOUR LONG LIFE SUCKING questionnaire.

The matches, for the most part, didn’t seem a good fit for me. Damn, was I paying good money for this shit? Anyway, I picked a couple with whom to anonymously trade banal questions about our likes and dislikes. (Here’s a dislike: Trading banal questions with someone WHO’S FACE I CAN’T SEE.)

FINALLY, after a few rounds of “What’s your favorite fruit loop flavor?” eHarmony reveals the pictures to me.

WHOA Sea Biscuit!

Stop. The. Bus.

I WANT TO GET OFF!

NOW.

(Yes, this makes me sound totally superficial. I don’t care. But seriously, you would have done the same thing.)

My second thought is, “Where in the TWO HOUR LONG LIFE SUCKING questionnaire did I go WRONG?” What box did I check that I shouldn’t have? I said HEALTHY, ACTIVE and ABOVE AVERAGE in attractiveness. I also said I love the beach. How hard is that to fucking match??

One was a man who must have been 350 pounds by the looks of his photo. This does not say healthy to me. This says “Heart-attack waiting to happen.” This also says “I don’t leave the couch, unless it’s to go to the fridge.”

This is not what I meant by active.

The other was straight out of the scary-ass movie Deliverance. He was sporting a full, very scruffy beard and lived on a ranch in the middle of nowhere. Which he never left. Ever. Not even to go to the beach. And he was missing a tooth.

WTF eHarmony? I couldn’t cancel my subscription fast enough.

Oh, that TWO HOUR LONG LIFE SUCKING QUESTIONNAIRE? The one you are supposed to get to keep even if you cancel? eHARMONY LOST IT! They suck.

Considering the quality of the matches they were sending, I suspect they never bothered to look at it in the first place.

I no longer date on the internet. Ever.

Just Say NO to internet dating. Drugs maybe, but Internet Dating: NO.

UPDATE March 27, 2010: My friend just joined eHarmony (against my advice), but I helped him set up his profile anyway. Here’s what has changed on eHarmony: NOTHING! They do let you see the photos upfront now, BUT they have NO MATCHES for him in a 50 mile radius around Monterey!! and a 15-year age range! NOTHING! They’re sending him “matches” that are ten years older and in different states! He’s a total catch, too. Millionaire Matchmaker recently contacted him to join. (He said no – thank goodness! The show used to be cool. I joined it myself a year or so ago. The show has since changed. Patti seemed to care more about the contestants before, and now it just seems sensationalized.)

UPDATE March 28, 2010: My friend canceled his subscription today and I helped him. Take that eHarmony! Beware: They DO NOT make it easy… you have to send a snail mail letter within 3 days!

Coming soon: Sex in Carson City: My Trip to the Brothels