I love the gentle hand on the neck. Very nice.

More Dating Advice From The Unqualified

Dating Advice seems to be a post topic of interest for my readers. Why you all want to hear snarky dating advice from me, I’ll never know. (For previous posts with dating tips, see Internet Dating Fail, part 1, Internet Dating Fail, part 2, How Not To Myspace, and my favorite series Flirting With Disaster: Dating Exiled Afghani Royalty.)

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Here are 5 Dating Tips…

1. Coffee dates are the kiss of death.

Really. For the first date or two, this is the WORST. POSSIBLE. DATE. you could have. Movies are the second worst first or second date. Both are communication nightmares for mere acquaintances.

The best type of date? Studies have shown it’s one that involves a touch of fear, and interaction in an activity. The study showed doing something that produced a slight fear response, like rock climbing or parasailing, were the most likely to produce a bonding response in the couples. Think about that. You want bonding. Bonding is good.

Show a little creativity. Do something adventurous like Malibu Grand Prix, bungee jumping or parasailing. If you have little or no money, the study also said the concentration of ions at the beach is supposed to produce a similar effect. Hiking or local festivals can also be free. Just remember to go somewhere safe – don’t have dinner at his place or yours.

2. Don’t text a gal, or a guy for that matter, for a date.

It screams “emotionally unavailable” and an inability to connect on an emotionally intimate level.

Pick up the phone.

I know it’s scary, but it’s just a phone call. If you can’t muster the nuggets to make a call how are you going to protect us from the Neanderthal who is having trouble taking “no” for an answer? Protecting us from Neanderthals is hot; we want to know you can do it. We also want to know you’re emotionally available.

3. Ask the right questions – early on.

Some examples are: ‘Can you care for a plant or pet without killing it?’ (Consider how well they treat their pets, plants, and kids for that matter. A life is a life.) ‘Do you still live at home with your mother?’ (I’m amazed at how many men in their 40s-50s live with their mother – and not because she needs help but because they do, although they usually won’t admit it.)

Last night, Chickenbone related the story of her girlfriend’s recent date… Good looking guy, avid cyclist, social, living in a wealthy suburb, apparently successful. She had him over to her place for dinner. He showed up empty-handed, never offered to help with any of the cooking or prep,  and when she finally asks the right questions, she learns he’s 50 and lives at home with mom. Nice.



Rodin's The Kiss - a personal favorite of mine.

Notice, too, if they talk about exes or opposite-sex members of their family in very negative terms. If so, they may still have some things to work through – and chances are they’re going to do it with you.

Did they lie about something – even something small like shaving a couple years off their age or how much they really drink? Even those “small” lies tell a lot about someone’s character. You would be amazed at how much those little lies really tell about someone’s integrity.

A background check is a beautiful thing, people. As an ex Private Investigator I often do one, just the basic stuff you can get online for free, on potential dates/mates (and even employers)… I can not stress to you enough how beneficial this has been to me. More often than not I have found violent backgrounds, bad credit (do you want someone who can’t handle their finances and live within their means? Extenuating circumstances are one thing, but laziness and irresponsibility are another.), and myriad lies about income and age.

4. Treat your date with respect.

None of this third-date rule B.S… (For those of you who haven’t heard of this crap, the “Third Date Rule” is where a gal is expected to have sex by the third date (fercryinoutloud!) or the guy moves on to the next gal. Gals, if you stop falling for this BS, it will stop being a stupid rule.

Guys: If a gal doesn’t put out by the third date this means She’s probably a nice gal, and you should keep seeing her.

Gals: It is not a good idea to sleep with a guy, or even have Monica Lewinsky/Clinton sex (with inanimate objects, provide BJs, etc), with a guy until you’ve been dating at least two to three months. That’s how long it takes to find out who someone really is, and if they will still respect you.

Guys and Gals: People subconsciously put on their best personality traits, and hide the lesser ones, when they first meet someone. But as a whole, people can only keep that up for two to three months before they start to relax.

Just looking for some good lovin’? Well, have at it! I’m all for mutually happy endings. But be honest with your partner about what you’re looking for, and ferchristsake be safe about it.


5. If it doesn’t work out – don’t email, or text someone to break it off.

Grow a pair and call. It’s common courtesy, so don’t be a chicken-shit about it. Unless they’ve done something stalkerish or nasty, there’s really no reason to be disrespectful.

Would you like personalized snarky dating advice? Please use the form in the middle of the right column, and I will answer your anonymous questions here.