Kernut the Blond » WTF?

Severe Weather Alert: Like a cow pissin on a flat rock.

Kernut — Tue, 20 Mar 2012 18:21:52 +0000

Like a cow pissin’ on a flat rock, it’s raining in Texas.

When they say “Everything is bigger in Texas” they mean the rain.

And the wind and hail stones! Forty m.p.h. winds?? Last. Night. I was scared shitless, y’all. I’m from California – I prefer earthquakes.

This morning when I woke up the weather report said there was a 50% chance of my area being hit by a tornado! A TORNADO WARNING! I was in my first ever official tornado warning. (This was NOT on my bucket list.) They were also predicting a possibility of giant hail for this afternoon, but so far it looks good here.

I don’t do tornadoes or monster balls of hail. I don’t even like regular windy days. Where I lived the last 30 years before getting my RV, hail is considered “cute”. It’s always little and never does any damage. We would run outside to try and catch some before it melted. Seriously. In California hail is “cute”. It’s a novelty.

I’m not used to this super-sized weather stuff.

When I heard about the high winds and hail, I wanted to make a run for it in my RV. I’m bordered on one side by the coast, and the storm on the other. The only way out is to go through the storm. You know, like how lemmings jump off perfectly good cliffs without parachutes.

Ya, that’s me. I’m sure I was a lemming in a former life.

Except for my tendency to panic in such . . . → Read More: Severe Weather Alert: Like a cow pissin on a flat rock.

I got down, way down, in Calipatria.

Kernut — Sat, 10 Mar 2012 22:01:51 +0000

Calipatria, in southern California, boldly claims to hold such distinctions as possessing the “World’s Tallest Flagpole” and being the “Lowest Down City Below Sea Level in the Western Hemisphere”.

The population is around 7,700. That includes the 4,000 inmates at the Calipatria State Prison. If you’re as good at math as I am, you’ve already figured out more than half the population consists of incarcerated criminals.

I only take you guys to the best places.

While the library is the size of some apartments I’ve lived in, it still has several internet access stations.

As I walked toward the intersection, a young gal was leading her cow across the street. Yup, she was out walking her cow. On a leash.

Calipatria is known locally as “CowPat” because of all the cows, and more to the point, because of their numerous patties, the pungent scent from which is often blown all the way to Slab City, a beefy 12 miles away.

Calipatria, California: Lowest Down City and World's Tallest Flagpole - according to the local government. Who just may have escaped from the local prison.

At 184 feet below sea level, Calipatria claims to be the “Lowest Down City in the Western Hemisphere”. Not far from Slab City, and the Salton Sea, it’s been known to flood in the not-too-distant past. At some point, the local government decided, in the event of another flood, they wanted someone to be able to locate their submerged town. To that end they erected the World’s Tallest Flagpole.

. . . → Read More: I got down, way down, in Calipatria.

I was eaten by a giant dinosaur, and then I found millions of Zombie Fish.

Kernut — Sat, 25 Feb 2012 23:25:58 +0000

When I escaped (and we won't go into how, but we'll just say he let me go), I went to the Salton Sea Beach. And then I walked on the millions of dead fish that cover the shore. Lemme esplain... (and you might not want to look at the pictures or go any farther if you're eating lunch.) Ok, but don't say I didn't warn you. The Salton Sea Beach is on the eastern side of the Salton Sea in southern California. It's a wonderful park and campground full of amenities. And the birdwatching is terrific. . . . → Read More: I was eaten by a giant dinosaur, and then I found millions of Zombie Fish.

Border Patrol = Reno 911

Kernut — Wed, 01 Feb 2012 18:55:53 +0000

The scene: An empty two-lane highway at 8:30 pm on a Wednesday night.

My car: The nice tow car previously pictured, carrying two blond-haired white people (me and the aforementioned house guest) slowly driving back to their campsite in Slab City after a day at the nearby RV park pool, hanging with sober people. (The sober part will be of significance further in the story.)

Behind us: A car is tailgating. For almost 15 minutes.

They could easily go around us on the empty highway.

A couple extra white lights come on over their roof. Then the side spotlight as seen on cop cars comes out. Within seconds a red light comes on, so I pull over.

Two dimwitted Border Patrol agents creep up on the right side, stop about ten feet away, and peer towards the interior of the car, fear and suspicion on their face.

??? I think it’s been over ten years since I was stopped by police. Never once by Border Patrol.

After a few minutes, they find their gonads and approach the passenger’s window. They ask who owns the car, and if I’m running drugs.

WTF?

Uh, no. I’m not a drug runner.

They ask if they can search the trunk. Me, not being as up on the laws as I should be was ready to comply when my house guest spoke up for our rights. Then I asked the Border Patrol rookies if the stop was legal.

They said yes, but got out the sniffing dog. The dog allegedly “alerted” on my trunk . . . → Read More: Border Patrol = Reno 911

Slab City is, umm, different. Very different. Kind of like me. Sort of.

Kernut — Fri, 13 Jan 2012 18:25:48 +0000

I don’t even know where to start. Really, I don’t. That’s partly why this post is so late in coming.

Many RVers know about Slab City, some like it, some don’t, but everyone said, ‘You have to experience it at least once.’

I asked, ‘Why? What’s the attraction?’ No one could really say why, they just said it was ‘different’.

Different.

My readers and fellow travelers have led me to some of the most interesting places so when they say I have to go somewhere, I usually go.

Plus, Me = Different.

While Slab City looks similar in some ways to scenes straight out of the Mad Max movies, it is unlike anything I’ve ever seen or experienced. I now understand why no one could muster an answer when I asked why I should go.

Rather than attempt a lengthy description, I’ll do a series of bullet-point descriptions occasionally accompanied by photos and a video. It’s that “A picture is worth a thousand words” thing. Plus, it’s easier because I’m swamped trying to get a new dinghy tow vehicle so I can get out of Dodge A.S.A.P.

For more detail about Slab City, read my two previous articles: one about the death in the hot springs, and one for Yahoo! News.

Slab City, Calif., A World Like No Other

Slab City sits about two hours east of San Diego, deep in the southern California desert. It’s so named because of the concrete slabs left when the military abandoned Camp Dunlap: the military . . . → Read More: Slab City is, umm, different. Very different. Kind of like me. Sort of.

Mollie Lost Her Nipple In Purgatory But I Found It

Kernut — Mon, 03 Oct 2011 16:10:12 +0000

I found Mollie’s Nipple on the way to Purgatory. I can only assume Mollie is walking around with one nipple.

"Mollie's Nipple" in Hurricane, UT. I have no idea where the other one is. I hope Mollie still has it.

It’s a butte named “Mollie’s Nipple”. Makes you wonder if Mollie was a popular saloon gal back in the day. Or if she lost one in a bar fight.

Have you ever see a 100 year-old fruitcake? No, no, I’m not talking about an old gay guy. Geez, people. I mean an actual fruitcake. Found via RoadsideAmerica.com at the Hurricane Valley Heritage Museum, it was originally a four-layer wedding cake. Not sure when they ate the two missing layers, but unless they ate them with a hammer and chisel, it wasn’t anytime in the recent past.

100 year-old fruitcake. It looks like pale green/tan concrete with little dark brown rocks in it.

How about a 66 year old slab of now-petrified bacon? No? Well, here ya go…

66 year old bacon. How could you forget bacon in your freezer for so long? It's BACON!

They also have a dinosaur museum in St George, UT. Now, before you go getting the idea that, like most museums, there are dinosaur statues all over the place you should know there are just two statues. Well, one and a half really. One is just a leg. Both are replicas.

Dinosaur foot with early press-on nails. They were numbered back then.

However, what the . . . → Read More: Mollie Lost Her Nipple In Purgatory But I Found It

God Grant Me The Senility

Kernut — Fri, 19 Nov 2010 20:12:34 +0000

Ahh, what a lovely day. (UPDATED: This should say “week”.)

Ok, I’m lying. Totally fucking lying. (I apologize for the cussing, but sometimes only a cuss word will do. There are more, just so you know. I probably have that cussing disease today, you may want to leave now.)

You all know about the Droid X issue, which may, or may not be resolved. Some ex-boyfriends responded to the age-old texts as if nothing had changed and the conversation – and relationship – hadn’t ended LONG ago.

One ex asked, “So how you sleeping?” Much better without you’re nasty a$$ taking up the bed.

Learn from my mistake my dear Kernutties: Clear your text cache. Seriously. Do it now. I’ll wait.

And some of you know about the persistent MF who keeps trying to hack my blog. Seriously? WTF?! At this point, his persistence (12 attempts that I know of, plus three lock-outs) causes me to think it’s personal. There are two people whom I think sociopathically capable of this. I’m working on a post that includes one of them, and is about the time Martin Sheen saved my life. (Not a joke.)

The new job? Sucks balls. Well, some of it sucks balls. Big fuckin’ hairy balls. (The actual marketing parts of the job are great fun.)

The hairy balls? My boss stiffed me for $1,250. I’m not rich, and that’s not small change to me. He’s an attorney, it’s small change to him. Asshole.

Hairy ball #2? Along with . . . → Read More: God Grant Me The Senility

Witness Protection Program Inductee

Kernut — Sat, 13 Nov 2010 16:17:26 +0000

The oddness that was my week:

First up…

I work in a large office building with the standard Men’s and Women’s community bathrooms on each floor.

Men’s, and Women’s. Two bathrooms. One for each sex.

The other morning I grabbed the key and crossed the hallway to the Women’s room. Just as I got there a man (I think he was Mennonite), held the door for me as he exited.

Me: ???

He said, ‘It’s ok, my wife is just doing her hair.’

With trepidation and a nervous smile, I enter to find two Mennonite women in the restroom: his wife fixing her hair, and her attendant.

And no more men, thank goodness.

When I posted this on FB, most of my friends commented how they wanted an attendant. Umm sure, I want one, too. But can we not have men in the Women’s bathroom?

Second…

I’ve wanted a Droid phone for a while, and Friday I finally got one! Yippee!! I activated it, added two apps, and then tried to back up my numbers.

The screen DIED.

Not the battery (still had 80% power) – the SCREEN. I’d had it for ONE HOUR.

Ok, obviously I got a lemon, time to go trade it in for a good one. My Friday night: I drive down to the Verizon store, and (another) hour and a half later walked out with a second brand new Droid X. (BTW – these were not refurbished “pre-owned” phones.)

IT CAME WITH A VIRUS INSTALLED.

Oh, that’s NOT . . . → Read More: Witness Protection Program Inductee

Capitola Begonia Festival is Live Blogging FAIL #2

Kernut — Mon, 06 Sep 2010 16:48:28 +0000

Capitola Begonia Festival 2010. Outlaw 36 Gang's Octopus's Garden took third place. (photo courtesy of/borrowed from The Santa Cruz Sentinel.)

What is it with me and these Live Blogging fails?? Seriously.

I don’t claim to be a techno genius, but it shouldn’t be this hard. Twitter hates me. That’s all I can think of.

Or, my unicorn force field has disturbed the ability of my technology to function correctly.

Crap.

Well, on with the AWESOMENESS that was to be my live blog from the Capitola Begonia Festival.

For my seven non-local readers, Capitola is a small coastal town, near surfing-central Santa Cruz, in Santa Cruz County. The annual Begonia Festival is an opportunity for anyone to build a nautical float covered with donated begonia flowers. There are usually eight to ten entries built by families, groups of friends or small local businesses. I volunteer with the Friends of The Windmill House group.

It was a fabulous weekend filled with surfing dogs, BP being stabbed by the God of The Sea, and billions of begonias….

Noelle, inside The Love Shack. http://twitpic.com/2lajol She’s the generous hostess of the Friends of the Windmill House. They’re the BEST group of float building folks! We may not win, but we have the most fun.

This is Dune, the surfing dog. http://twitpic.com/2lbnv5 You see things like this in Santa Cruz all the time.

Neptune stabbed BP. As it should be. http://twitpic.com/2lbuw3 I don’t know if they won the sand sculpture/castle contest, but they’ve got my vote.

I Had Da Powers – Nuclear, That Is

Kernut — Wed, 04 Aug 2010 18:53:19 +0000

A Boiling Water Reactor schematic. This one is SOOO much cooler than the black and white schematics we fixed. Ours were just Xerox copies.

General Electric builds boiling water reactors (BWR), a type of nuclear power plant. I drew fixed the seriously degraded schematics that trained the new power plant employees.

No, I’m not a nuclear scientist. I’m not an electrician. I had skills as a pen and ink artist. That’s it.

Yes, that should scare you.

No, I was not an exception. None of us working there had any experience in nuclear power or electrical backgrounds.

My step-mother wrote the technical documents that went with the schematics. She didn’t have any experience in nuclear power or electronics either.

Oh, I almost forgot – I was a teenager.

AND they gave me a fairly high security clearance.

HA! So much for thorough background checks.

On the news this morning they mentioned there’s a new computer worm specifically designed to attack nuclear power plants and utilities. Stuxnet is the name of the malicious software. (Industrial Virus Revives Power Grid Hacking Fears.)

Really Hackers/Terrorists? It’s totally lame of you to have wasted all that time developing some software – one that has been detected, mind you. All you had to do was send some kid down there to apply for a job. Any job.

I was a teenager with no real skills. This was my first real job that wasn’t babysitter or Radio Shack clerk. (Supposedly, drinking doesn’t count as a skill. Whatever.) I . . . → Read More: I Had Da Powers – Nuclear, That Is