Kernut the Blond » Random Rants

My Royal Wedding Invitation, Three Generations Too Early

Kernut — Fri, 29 Apr 2011 17:50:33 +0000

I’ve been trying to come up with something to write, but all I’ve got is a list of random stuff that makes for better titles than posts. I couldn’t even come up with ten of them for a Ten Things Tuesday post.

Huh. My life is in the shitter.

My mother just told me my great grandparents were invited to the Royal Wedding of Queen Elizabeth and Prince Philip.

Wow!

They didn’t go.

WTHuh??!

What did I learn from this? You dis the Royal family once, and your future generations will never ever be invited again.

I’m considering giving up dating, for good. The men I’m meeting have no follow-through. They act totally interested, but then seem to get cold feet. After attempting to schedule a second date, they fall off the face of the earth if I can’t meet the ONE time they suggested. It doesn’t matter if I’ve met them online, or through friends (the preferred way).

Case in point: My friend secretly arranged for me to meet a guy she though would make a great match. We all went hiking. We chatted a bit, discovered we had a lot in common, and exchanged cards. He called about two weeks later, saying he’d just found my card. We played phone tag. In his second voicemail, he asked me for a last minute date at that very moment (tickets to a concert – I suspect someone canceled on him at the last minute). Of course, I was out. I returned his . . . → Read More: My Royal Wedding Invitation, Three Generations Too Early

Witness Protection Program Inductee

Kernut — Sat, 13 Nov 2010 16:17:26 +0000

The oddness that was my week:

First up…

I work in a large office building with the standard Men’s and Women’s community bathrooms on each floor.

Men’s, and Women’s. Two bathrooms. One for each sex.

The other morning I grabbed the key and crossed the hallway to the Women’s room. Just as I got there a man (I think he was Mennonite), held the door for me as he exited.

Me: ???

He said, ‘It’s ok, my wife is just doing her hair.’

With trepidation and a nervous smile, I enter to find two Mennonite women in the restroom: his wife fixing her hair, and her attendant.

And no more men, thank goodness.

When I posted this on FB, most of my friends commented how they wanted an attendant. Umm sure, I want one, too. But can we not have men in the Women’s bathroom?

Second…

I’ve wanted a Droid phone for a while, and Friday I finally got one! Yippee!! I activated it, added two apps, and then tried to back up my numbers.

The screen DIED.

Not the battery (still had 80% power) – the SCREEN. I’d had it for ONE HOUR.

Ok, obviously I got a lemon, time to go trade it in for a good one. My Friday night: I drive down to the Verizon store, and (another) hour and a half later walked out with a second brand new Droid X. (BTW – these were not refurbished “pre-owned” phones.)

IT CAME WITH A VIRUS INSTALLED.

Oh, that’s NOT . . . → Read More: Witness Protection Program Inductee

I Brought Sand To The Beach

Kernut — Fri, 10 Sep 2010 20:02:27 +0000

My sister, Chickenbone, once told me 'Don't bring sand to the beach.' Me: ??? Chickenbone: If you're single, don't bring a date to a party. Me: (still) ??? Chickebone: ...where there are single men. Me (a minute later): Ohhhh. (the light bulb isn't always super bright, folks) . . . → Read More: I Brought Sand To The Beach

Social Media, Jobs, Spam, Sex and Dating – Maybe not in that order

Kernut — Fri, 23 Jul 2010 02:03:53 +0000

This is me. What, you thought I was human?

When I’m not here, you probably think I’m out having an awesome social life, on a date, or having sex.

Sadly, no. It’s been about a year since I had a boyfriend – and he was really lousy in bed. Come to think of it, so was the one before him.

But I have been discovered – by spammers.

When I’m not here blogging (and deleting spam), I’m over here writing about Social Media (and deleting spam), or here writing about sexy stuff.

That is, when I’m not at my new job!

Yes, it’s true folks – I am no longer a government-subsidized cube dweller. I have escaped the padded cell, a.k.a. the cubicle from hell.

(Believe it or not, I didn’t get fired for asking Guy Kawasaki if he had a single brother for me. Truth be told, by then I had already given notice so there would have been no point in firing me in my last week. Heh heh.)

So far the new job is good. I’m doing the marketing tasks I love (Facebook, Twitter, blogging, creating and implementing marketing strategy), and learning more as I go. (much rejoicing all around)

Other than that, there’s not much going on in my social life. Tonight for instance, I’m home watching the first season of HBO’s Hung on DVD and living vicariously. OMG! That’s good stuff and Thomas Jane has a lovely naked body.*fans face*

In case you’re . . . → Read More: Social Media, Jobs, Spam, Sex and Dating – Maybe not in that order

The Plane to Spain, part 2

Kernut — Sun, 30 May 2010 19:27:16 +0000

View from Santa Barbara Castillo (Castle) in Alicante

This is part 2 of my trip to Spain. (Part 1 in the series is here: The Rain In Spain Falls Mainly…)

Advance apologies for the length and rantiness of this post. I promise the next will just be about my adventures and impressions of Spain.

When we left off…

Panic has now set in. (Please note the sub-title of this blog: I’m FINE: Frustrated, Insecure, Neurotic and Emotional. The Adventures, Travels and Tribulations of a Bonkers Blogging Blond. ‘Bonkers’ may be an understatement. Pretty sure it is, but my alter-ego thought ‘bonkers’ rhymed better with ‘blogging’ and ‘blond’.)

Iberia Airlines, with their teams of luggage and policy-making asshats, had conspired to leave me stranded: I’m stuck in a foreign country, alone, speaking only enough espanol to order beer and tacos. As much as I needed one at that moment, I don’t drink beer. Anymore. That leaves me with just tacos.

And I’d been on two planes for the last 22 hours: I needed a shower, a Starbucks, to be done with airports, and to have MY FEET ON THE FUCKING GROUND in Alicante.

As my regular readers know, I can be quite persuasive when panicked. (If you’re new here, Welcome! Please see When Lost In The Crenshaw District of L.A. Sacrifice The Blond for an example.)

Imagine me trying to tell the gals at the ticket counter that being stranded in a foreign country, after 22 hours in the air, WITHOUT my . . . → Read More: The Plane to Spain, part 2

Panic Much? FEAR = F*ck Everything And Run

Kernut — Wed, 26 May 2010 16:54:26 +0000

It's like trying to reason with a lizard... that's the part of the brain that's active in times like these. Just try to tell a lizard what to do. Let me know how that goes. . . . → Read More: Panic Much? FEAR = F*ck Everything And Run

Sexual Confidence: Can You Handle It?

Kernut — Thu, 20 May 2010 18:52:19 +0000

Mirroring: one of the methods practiced in Tantra.

Do sexually confident women scare men or is this an attractive quality?

Really, I want to know. My sexual confidence and security has intimidated more than a few boyfriends. It’s a running theme. And, sadly, the older and more confident I get, the more I seem to intimidate them. So it’s not like it’s going away and I have no intention of squashing it.

But I’m about ready to give up all efforts at finding a match.

Before you let your kinky imaginations run wild… I don’t even get a chance to bring out the whips and chains before they get scared (read: ‘sudden loss of interest below the waist’).

I’m kidding about the whips and chains. Kind of.

Seriously, I’m not even a screamer, much. I just enjoy sex and am not shy about it, or talking about it.

Is that intimidating to men?

Recently I told a good friend I want to try tantric sex. Tantric sex is the art of making love in a somewhat spiritual way, really taking your time with your partner, touching the whole body (the skin is your largest organ – not that other one, boys ) , utilizing all the senses, and prolonging and then enjoying the most intense orgasm. This journey produces chemicals in the brain in a way similar to the way BDSM does – when done right. When produced in the right order, this chemical cocktail is what makes good sex fantastic . . . → Read More: Sexual Confidence: Can You Handle It?

We Say ‘Dude’ In These Here Parts

Kernut — Wed, 12 May 2010 01:46:51 +0000

There's a magazine about this?

I’m fascinated by linguistics, especially the colloquialisms specific to a certain region. We all have them, and those little words can give an indication of where you grew up, or lived for many years.

Also when you grew up.

A friend is visiting from Minnesota. He’s never been to California so I’m showing him the sights. The other day I used the word ‘dude’ when relaying some meaningless important story to him.

Yes, maybe I’m a hopelessly outdated Californian, but that’s not the point.

He’s been here three weeks and I’m the first person who’s said ‘dude’ to him. WTF?

Ok, maybe that is the point.

Crap, I am hopelessly outdated. I had no idea I was that far behind the times.

Apparently they never say dude in Minnesota. They didn’t think we really did, either.

Oh.

He was so surprised to hear the word ‘dude’ that he actually stopped me in the middle of my awesome story y’all to say, “You just said ‘dude’!”

Me: *blink blink* (In my head, “And your point is..?”)

Him: “When joking around with my friends before I left Minnesota, I told them I was going to hear people in California say things like, ‘Surf’s up, dude’! I didn’t think I would actually hear it!” *laughs*

Me: “Uhhh…”

Really, how do you answer that? // < ![CDATA[ google_ad_client = "pub-6149009234035864"; /* 728x15, created 5/23/10 */ google_ad_slot = "0543667368"; google_ad_width = 728; google_ad_height = 15; // ]]> Do Californians come . . . → Read More: We Say ‘Dude’ In These Here Parts

Random Things I Found Funny This Week

Kernut — Mon, 26 Apr 2010 03:05:45 +0000

This one speaks for itself.
My Blog is a Guilty Pleasure Pepperidge Farm Doesn’t Understand Me UPS Hires Basketball Players My Gift: Some Assembly, and Transportation, Required Google Searches Confuse Me, and Others
(Really, I’ve got nothing. And sometimes Google has nothing, too.)

A friend emailed me the other day to tell he how much he enjoys my blog.

I start getting all warm and fuzzy. No, really, I’m actually not being sarcastic this time. I love hearing how much you guys enjoy my blog. I get a little excited every time someone leaves a comment. Just a little. Like I do about chocolate. Every. day. And then I read the second line. He said, ‘Just don’t tell anyone. LOL’

Ah. Apparently my blog = Guilty Pleasure. I guess it’s kind of like admitting you read US Weekly.

Ok, I can live with that. I’m just happy to have readers – even if some of you are in the guilty pleasure blog closet.

Pepperidge Farm cookies. I love them. A lot. As a cookie addict, I just don’t understand the need for the expiration date on the package. The cookies are lucky to make it to my house, let alone the car. No expiration date needed. It’s just wasting ink. (This seemed waaay funnier at dinner the other night. Sorry.)

Ever wonder why your UPS packages are broken? I discovered why this week.

When he realized no one was home to accept the package, the UPS guy left the usual . . . → Read More: Random Things I Found Funny This Week

Internet Dating FAIL, Part 2

Kernut — Sun, 21 Mar 2010 16:56:51 +0000
FINALLY, after a few rounds of “What’s your favorite fruit loop flavor?” eHarmony reveals the pictures to me. . . . → Read More: Internet Dating FAIL, Part 2

We Interrupt The Regularly Scheduled Post To Bring You: Lucky WTF? Charms

Kernut — Fri, 19 Mar 2010 18:15:44 +0000
Lucky WTF? Charms
To help brighten up the sterilized sea of cubicles where I work, each holiday we decorate a pass-through/hallway. It helps give the place a little color, and is a good excuse not to be at our desks for 15 minutes. We also include a plate of cookies or bowl of candy related to the holiday.

For St. Patty’s we did the usual: green clovers, pictures of green beer and leprechauns. My cube mate (the quiet male) cut up shapes of Lucky Charms cereal out of colored paper: pink hearts, yellow moons, orange stars, green clovers, blue diamonds, and purple horse shoes. Very creative.

I thought we needed a real box of Lucky Charms cereal to complete the decorations. Mind you, it had been years since I last saw the contents of Lucky Charms.

Besides oddly-shaped (not as described above) “marshmallows”, here’s what was in the box:

Uhhhh... what?

Lucky Clovers? Ok, check. Clovers are lucky. Lucky Spades? Lucky Christmas Trees? Umm, huh? Lucky Friskies Kibbles? Uhh… Lucky Jesus FISH?? Yum?

Lucky Jesus Fish and Friskies Kibbles

A magically religious cereal? Are they trying to elicit a spiritual experience for breakfast? Or should I be sharing the Lucky Friskies Kibbles with my cat? OK General Mills, don’t make any sudden movements. Just put the box down and back away from the . . . → Read More: We Interrupt The Regularly Scheduled Post To Bring You: Lucky WTF? Charms

Funny Shit Someone Else Wrote…

Kernut — Sat, 13 Mar 2010 19:19:00 +0000
So, what does any self-respecting procrastinator do at a time like this? Find great shit to read on the internet. Lucky for you, I’ve decided to share my findings. These had me laughing so hard they brought tears to my eyes… . . . → Read More: Funny Shit Someone Else Wrote…

I’m a State-subsidized Cube-dweller

Kernut — Thu, 11 Mar 2010 16:55:06 +0000
The 6’ tall gray cubicle walls are lightly padded for my protection, not unlike the padded cells of a funny-farm. I suspect they are grooming me for transfer to the psych ward. . . . → Read More: I’m a State-subsidized Cube-dweller

I Got Roses Last Night

Kernut — Fri, 05 Mar 2010 18:35:12 +0000
I got flowers last night. A big bouquet of beautiful red roses. Ok, so they were from a complete stranger. But he's totally hot. . . . → Read More: I Got Roses Last Night

How Not To MySpace (or Facebook)

Kernut — Thu, 04 Mar 2010 03:50:35 +0000

Ok, but only if the hookup is in your pickup, Baby.

Dating Advice for Social Media from my MySpace blog in 2007 (a time when I was much more jaded than now – if that’s possible). While originally about MySpace, much of this also applies to Facebook.

MySpace made me über jaded about dating. It’s all MySpace’s fault for letting those horny 20-somethings send me the most ludicrous requests for a date (read: hookup). It’s really hard to take men seriously after receiving requests like those below.

But I’m all better now. heh. *twitch*

How Not To MySpace, Part 2

Acknowledgment: “Part 1” was written by my friend Steve. His gave me the idea for the following article. His article, How Not To MySpace should be read. And followed. Verbatim.

Making Friends – and keeping them:

Friend Requests

Strangers often wonder why, or even become offended, when I won’t add them as a friend on MySpace or Facebook. With the abundance of spam on these services, I can’t understand why they aren’t as cautious. I could be a spamming psycho! Ok, well, I might be a spammer, too!

I’ve had plenty of issues on these sites, and don’t want to subject my friends to the same. There are the spammers, the stalkers, and then there’s the issue of bulletins.

(Update: I almost never log in to MySpace anymore. No, I probably still won’t add you. But you can follow me on Twitter @Kernut. I need followers. But not stalkers.)

Bulletins

The . . . → Read More: How Not To MySpace (or Facebook)