Zombies, RV Life, and Random Craziness
- Willcox, Arizona, resting place of Warren Earp, Rex Allen and Koko the Horse.
- Happy Birthday! Checkers, the RV copilot, turned 18 today.
- Ten Things: Random Observations From the Road
- Put the hooker in the box, and the bird in the closet.
- “The Thing” in Dragoon, Arizona? It’s a dead thing.
- Bugzilla, my new roommate.
- Tombstones in Tombstone, Arizona
- Holy Flying Vampires, Y’all! The bugs are big in Texas.
- From the Ocean-to-Ocean Bridge to the Bridge to Nowhere, and shaking your dates in between.
- Severe Weather Alert: Like a cow pissin on a flat rock.
- The Center of the World, and two blondes in Mexico.
- Don’t make me get my gun out. Again.
- I got down, way down, in Calipatria.
- I was eaten by a giant dinosaur, and then I found millions of Zombie Fish.
- Cement boats, giant artichokes, old jails, and two-story outhouses.
- Ten Things You Must Know Before Buying a Used RV
- Train and Tumbleweed
- Giant Bunnies, Giant Monopoly Boards, and World’s Longest Garlic Braid. Welcome to Northern California.
- 28 Days Later
- Border Patrol = Reno 911
Pimpin my affiliates… Seriously, this blog can not survive on my writing alone.
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By Kernut, on April 17th, 2012%
Are y’all sick of me telling you how big shit is in Texas? I hope not because just when I think I’ve covered the “biggest” thing Texans have, some other unnaturally-sized creature or event comes along to prove me every bit the naive Californian.
Texans have big balls… and I don’t mean parties.
You may be thinking I found this out the traditional way. Unfortunately, no.
We had another really huge storm in the southcentral area of the Texas coast on Sunday/Monday night. Tornadoes were spotted right over the little town I’m camped in just north of Corpus Christi. I was terrified when the tornado warning to “take immediate shelter” was announced. I grabbed my cat and headed to the cinderblock building in the park. A family from Canada was also there taking shelter.
While waiting for the storm to subside, we peeked out the door. It was then I noticed all the other RVers – ones with Texas plates – were still home, in their RVs.
In a park with over two-hundred residents, we were the only ones taking shelter: the four Canadians, the Californian and her cat.
All I can say is storms and mosquitoes aren’t the only big things in Texas. Texans have big balls, too.
But today, I want to tell you about something else “Texas-sized”. My new roommate.
Don’t stop now! Continue reading Bugzilla, my new roommate.
By Kernut, on March 20th, 2012%
Like a cow pissin’ on a flat rock, it’s raining in Texas.
When they say “Everything is bigger in Texas” they mean the rain.
And the wind and hail stones! Forty m.p.h. winds?? Last. Night. I was scared shitless, y’all. I’m from California – I prefer earthquakes.
This morning when I woke up the weather report said there was a 50% chance of my area being hit by a tornado! A TORNADO WARNING! I was in my first ever official tornado warning. (This was NOT on my bucket list.) They were also predicting a possibility of giant hail for this afternoon, but so far it looks good here.
I don’t do tornadoes or monster balls of hail. I don’t even like regular windy days. Where I lived the last 30 years before getting my RV, hail is considered “cute”. It’s always little and never does any damage. We would run outside to try and catch some before it melted. Seriously. In California hail is “cute”. It’s a novelty.
I’m not used to this super-sized weather stuff.
When I heard about the high winds and hail, I wanted to make a run for it in my RV. I’m bordered on one side by the coast, and the storm on the other. The only way out is to go through the storm. You know, like how lemmings jump off perfectly good cliffs without parachutes.
Ya, that’s me. I’m sure I was a lemming in a former life.
Except for my tendency to panic in such . . . → Read More: Severe Weather Alert: Like a cow pissin on a flat rock.
By Kernut, on November 21st, 2011%
Or “The time my laptop died, and the windows let in the rain.”
Believe it or not, these things are not related.
Don’t worry, the post about the naked guy in Quartzsite is still coming, but there’s been a slight delay…
The Sacred Laptop, holder of all photos, articles, and videos, has decided to take a vacation… just when I have a deadline for a Yahoo! News article. All 200 photos of Slab City, the town on which the article is based, are on said dead laptop, along with the aforementioned, soon-to-be-due article.
I’ve rewritten the article from (what’s left of my) memory and notes. If worse comes to worst, I do have ONE back up photo. Just one photo for the article. I certainly would have preferred choosing several from the 200 photos, but at least I’ve got a Plan B.
Meanwhile, all is not lost. As a 30-year resident of Silicon Valley, some things you just learn by osmosis… like how to rescue your hard drive. It’s been a long time since I’ve done this, and some memories are hard to retrieve. Like what I had for breakfast this morning, never mind the basic programming I learned 20+ years ago. (And how do you get to the DOS prompt in Windows Vista??? Gees, it used to be so easy.)
The Yahoo! News article is due tomorrow (Tuesday). Yeah, no pressure.
As if The Universe thought that wasn’t enough, Don’t stop now! Continue reading UPDATED: Woman vs. Machine x 2
By Kernut, on August 18th, 2011%
 I just heard about this ‘brain-eating amoeba’ and I think I have it.
It sure would explain a lot.
 Moments away, people. Moments away. We’re all on well water at the place I’ve been RV camping for much of the last month. At first, I drank the water (after filtering it) thinking ‘Ooh, well water! This has to be better the city water I’ve been drinking for the last 20 years – the city water that has chromium six in it.’ (Chromium six is the toxic chemical featured in the Erin Brockovich movie.)
Within two days my cat got sick from the well water, so I immediately switched us to bottled water.
NOW everyone is quick to tell me ‘Don’t drink the water!’
Not sure why they didn’t mention that before I discovered it was toxic on my own.
There’s also a lovely creek here.
Hmm… do you think this is where they might be getting the well water?
Which brings me to the brain-eating amoeba…
Don’t stop now! Continue reading Brain-eating Amoeba – I Think I Have This
By Kernut, on June 3rd, 2011%
I know, I know. I can hear you all saying… ‘Kernut, who? Kernut the Blond? Hmm, that sounds vaguely familiar.’
Sorry. (Assuming you’ve missed me.) Honestly, I’ve missed you all.
Believe me, I’ve wanted to write, but I’ve got nothing.
A big fat nothing.
And I’m On My Way To Hell In A Hand Basket
 Limbo looks like this, just so you know. I feel like I’m in limbo. Waiting to get a great job (six months now, but I’m loving my freedom and mobility!). Waiting to start The Great Roll-About in my RV (more fantasy then reality at this moment, but it makes me happy to envision the possibilities). Waiting to win the lottery jackpot and/or become a multi-millionaire because I really don’t want to go back to work for someone else (see previous note).
Waiting for something to change so I can tell you about it.
Meanwhile? I’ve got nothing.
And without a steady income my apartment is quickly becoming an expensive luxury. Don’t stop now! Continue reading On My Way To Hell In A Handbasket, I Was Hugged By A Saint
By Kernut, on March 21st, 2011%
We interrupt our regularly scheduled post on my Match.com Misadventures to provide you all with much needed disaster preparedness information. You’re welcome.
 I'm sure this is what California will look like after THE BIG ONE. As y’all know I can be a bit panicky at times, while simultaneously possessing a tendency to do stupid things, much like a lemming would hurl itself off a perfectly good cliff for no apparent reason, or like when I ran from Martin Sheen when he was trying to rescue me.
You know, like normal folks wouldn’t.
After the massive explosion (caused by a faulty PG&E pipeline) in nearby San Bruno took out a whole neighborhood, I decided I needed a real, up-to-date emergency preparedness kit.
I know, I know. You think someone as panicky as myself, and also a Red Cross volunteer, would already have that covered. This is the point where I prove to you folks I don’t dye my hair.
Blond is the real color, people. Don’t stop now! Continue reading How A Panicky Lemming Prepares For Major Disasters
By Kernut, on December 7th, 2010%
I’ve been promising you all this post since I started this blog up again several months ago. I’ve held off until now because it was a terrifying experience for me, one that’s hard to relive. There’s another reason, too. This event is like a scene straight out of a movie, and includes a very famous actor. Most of you don’t know me personally (not that I hold much back on this blog! heh). So, up until now I worried you’d think I made it up, determine I’m prone to flights of fancy, and potentially even more bonkers than I admit to. But if you’ve stayed with me this far (and through the Holiday Letter From My Cat), I figure you’ll be with me after this. However bizarre it seems, this story is quite true. The Malibu Sheriff’s office probably has some record of it, too. And I’m no more bonkers than I’ve told you outright.
By the way – this is fairly long, so I’ve broken it up into a series of posts. I don’t know how many, because I’m still writing it. (Not quite the pro-blogger you thought I was, huh? <— dripping with tongue-in-cheek sarcasm) I’ll post one every few days or so. Probably ‘or so’.
The True Story of How Martin Sheen Saved My Life (yes, THE Martin Sheen)
‘Saved my life’ might be a bit of an overstatement, but that Saturday night nine years ago I was terrified for my life like I have never been before or since.
All I knew was this complete stranger was following me – everywhere. At first he kept his distance, following my car as I ran a few errands and headed for a 30-minute drive to Point Dume in Malibu. I could see he was male, with dark hair and skin, driving a beat-up white pickup truck with darkly tinted windows. (Beat-up cars, with darkly tinted windows were not at all common in Malibu.)
I couldn’t shake him. I tried evasive driving maneuvers, quickly turning corners, hiding down the hill. He searched the neighborhood until he found me each time.
Before I continue with the details of that terrifying night, let me provide a little backstory… Don’t stop now! Continue reading The Time Martin Sheen Saved My Life
By Kernut, on June 18th, 2010%
 Ok, I sobered up and posted this for you all. You're welcome. It looks normal now (two weeks later), but I have a hard lumpy little scar now. WTF?! That's worse than BEFORE. Just waiting to see if vision returns. Eye surgery is not for the meek.
Or for those prone to panic attacks.
Like me.
If this post doesn’t make sense and has more typos then usual, its because I’m on valium while I’m writing this. And I’m too high and tired to add pictures right now. Sorry.
Do you all remember some of my panic attacks? When Lost in the Crenshaw District of LA, Sacrifice The Blond, The Rain In Spain, and of course, Panic Much? FEAR = F*ck Everything And Run. (I can’t add the links now ’cause I’m too fuzzy. You can find them all on my One Trick Pony page tab.) UPDATE 2 Weeks later: I’ve sobered up, posted a post-op pic, and added links for you all. You’re welcome.
Well, you can add this puppy to my list of Big A** Panic Attacks.
No, it was not lasik surgery, or elective. I had to have a bump removed from my eyelid. I was quite fine with the small bump on the top of my lid, about the size of half a green pea, until it started causing astigmatism (loss of vision in what was once my good 20-10 eye). Yeah, totally sucky situation.
The good part is looking out of that one eye gives everyone a lovely soft-focus filter kind of look. I use that eye when I’m looking at myself in the mirror… it smooths out the wrinkles.
Not that I have any many.
The doctor said they could cut the bump out and my vision would probably return to normal. Oh, goody. Needles and knives NEAR MY EYE. I asked the doctor if I could just get eye glasses instead. Obviously.
He said no.
Sadist. Don’t stop now! Continue reading Too Much Valium Is Still Not Enough. Oh, And There Was Blood.
By Kernut, on May 28th, 2010%
This kind of weirdness permeated the entire trip. Permeated it like a thick black tar. Not unlike the crap washing ashore in Louisiana and Santa Barbara right this moment: That oil-drilling residue tar that just sticks to you and is damn near impossible to remove. Ever have that shit stuck on your feet? It’s hella hard to get off. . . . → Read More: The Rain In Spain Falls Mainly…
By Kernut, on May 26th, 2010%
 It’s like trying to reason with a lizard… that’s the part of the brain that’s active in times like these. Just try to tell a lizard what to do. Let me know how that goes. . . . → Read More: Panic Much? FEAR = F*ck Everything And Run
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