Kernut the Blond » Jobs I Had

I’m Not a Normal Person, But I Play One on TV

Kernut — Tue, 30 Aug 2011 16:43:51 +0000

If you’ve been here more than once you know I’m probably not what most people call “normal”. I tend to do crazy things, or end up in odd situations, things that just don’t seem to happen to “normal” folks. Like the job I had where I drew schematics for nuclear power plants. Or the time I was rescued by Martin Sheen. Or when I dated exiled royalty. I could go on but then you’d just think I was certifiable.

Nevertheless, people that don’t read this blog asked me to play a normal person (well, they called it “playing myself”, but I know what they meant) in a television commercial.

Holy Famosity Batman! It’s true my dear Kernutties, I’m going to be on TV!

And not on an episode of COPS.

I can hardly believe it myself.

Playing “myself”, the first customer at their new store, I recently filmed a 60-second commercial spot for the dealership where I bought my RV. (I really was the first customer at their new location.) The commercial spot is online now at Best of the Bay and will air in September on KRON or ION (September 18 at 10:30 am?). Follow the link to see how much I need a facelift. There are several spots on the website, I’m in the first and last, maybe others.

But wait! There’s more! (‘and it comes with an amazing Ginsu knife…’) Before my wee segment in the commercial could even land on the cutting room floor, the owner of the dealership . . . → Read More: I’m Not a Normal Person, But I Play One on TV

Martin Sheen To My Rescue (conclusion)

Kernut — Tue, 14 Dec 2010 17:40:21 +0000

When we left off in part 2, Martin Sheen and I were parked with driver’s-side windows together, our cars blocking the small neighborhood street. Meanwhile, the stalker in the white pickup was slowly coming up behind my car, most likely realizing I’d just obtained A-list mother-fucking help.

Oh, …and we learned that I’m as bright as a cliff-jumping lemming when panicked.

As the white pickup approaches our cars, he pulls over to the side of the road as – if waiting for me to finish my conversation – so he can then continue on with terrorizing me.

Martin says to me, “Turn your car around and pull up behind me. I got through to the Sheriff’s office and they’re going to meet us at the old Malibu station.” He said ‘US’ !!! Yay Martin!

(It’s important to note two things here: A, The police agreed to come out for Martin Sheen – not when it was just little old, not-famous me calling, but for Martin. And B, The lazy cops still only agreed to meet us so far – at a station closed years before, in an empty parking lot about 15 minutes away from where we were now.)

I do as Martin says, and the stalker also starts to maneuver his car as if readying to make a u-turn like I did.

But then Martin Sheen, A-list megastar and rescuer of blond-haired lemmings, starts yelling at the stalker!!

*swoon* (somewhere a lemming just fainted)

Martin to stalker: “Hey! What are you . . . → Read More: Martin Sheen To My Rescue (conclusion)

Cuff Em Danno

Kernut — Tue, 21 Sep 2010 01:03:56 +0000

The cop goes to uncuff him, but he can’t find his handcuff key. It’s gone. Totally lost. He asks if I have mine. Nope. Didn’t expect to be doing the handcuffing on this one. Plus my key was taken away from me. But that’s another story. So the cop leaves me alone in the apartment with the handcuffed BIG dude. Who could head-butt me to death with one blow. Who is innocent of skipping bail. But not cop-killing. . . . → Read More: Cuff Em Danno

I Had Da Powers – Nuclear, That Is

Kernut — Wed, 04 Aug 2010 18:53:19 +0000

A Boiling Water Reactor schematic. This one is SOOO much cooler than the black and white schematics we fixed. Ours were just Xerox copies.

General Electric builds boiling water reactors (BWR), a type of nuclear power plant. I drew fixed the seriously degraded schematics that trained the new power plant employees.

No, I’m not a nuclear scientist. I’m not an electrician. I had skills as a pen and ink artist. That’s it.

Yes, that should scare you.

No, I was not an exception. None of us working there had any experience in nuclear power or electrical backgrounds.

My step-mother wrote the technical documents that went with the schematics. She didn’t have any experience in nuclear power or electronics either.

Oh, I almost forgot – I was a teenager.

AND they gave me a fairly high security clearance.

HA! So much for thorough background checks.

On the news this morning they mentioned there’s a new computer worm specifically designed to attack nuclear power plants and utilities. Stuxnet is the name of the malicious software. (Industrial Virus Revives Power Grid Hacking Fears.)

Really Hackers/Terrorists? It’s totally lame of you to have wasted all that time developing some software – one that has been detected, mind you. All you had to do was send some kid down there to apply for a job. Any job.

I was a teenager with no real skills. This was my first real job that wasn’t babysitter or Radio Shack clerk. (Supposedly, drinking doesn’t count as a skill. Whatever.) I . . . → Read More: I Had Da Powers – Nuclear, That Is

I Spied

Kernut — Mon, 02 Aug 2010 00:24:39 +0000

There's a spy among us.

I spied. A lot. I waited outside houses, often for hours at a time, waiting for him to leave. I followed him work, to his girlfriend’s house, to the dentist, to the grocery store, you name it.

Like a shadow, I followed him everywhere.

I was a Private Investigator.

You thought I meant FBI or CIA? Nope. Too crazy. (Me, not the government. Never the government.)

What? Oohhh, you thought I was a stalker?! No, not that either.

When you get paid to do it, it’s not called stalking.

Someone once described private investigation as 94% boredom and 6% pure adrenalin. They’re absolutely right. It’s the 6% adrenalin that makes up for standing in line all day at some courthouse waiting to pull court documents on the subject, then only to read how he got busted for being a loser (hitting his girlfriend, stealing, etc). Or for waiting for hours watching someone’s house and they never leave.

All day long. Not once do they go out. zzzzzzzz

But the 6% pure adrenalin makes up for all that. Like when you get the dirt on your subject: you get the photos of the suspected activity, you get the information the client was hoping wasn’t really there, you get to follow them somewhere. Anywhere, really. That’s fun.

About 60% of the cases were what we called “domestics”: a husband or wife wanting to know what the spouse was up to. I’m often asked the gender ratio of clients: Almost . . . → Read More: I Spied

The Time I Worked For Fred Krueger and Donna Mills

Kernut — Tue, 13 Jul 2010 15:55:42 +0000

Do you think he means a 'blow job' at the salon for that hair??

Recently learning Herman Munster is alive and well and selling real estate, reminded me of one of the many jobs I had.

I said job I had, not gave. sheesh No, not had as in got, either. Remember, I’m a woman – I give them I don’t …oh, never mind.

Where was I? Oh, yeah.. jobs.

The kind you get paid for.

Oh ferfuckssake.

I was fairly young at the time I went to work for this insurance company. My boss was named Fred Krueger. I could not making this up if I tried, people. To separate himself from Freddy Krueger The Slasher, he insisted we called him Fred. Just Fred Krueger.

Yeah, that worked well. Calling him Fred totally made me forget his name WAS IDENTICAL TO THE INFAMOUS SLASHER FLICK DUDE.

It’s only 20 years later, I have a memory like Swiss cheese (the whole family does, actually), I couldn’t tell you what I had for breakfast any day last week, but this I remember.

Isn’t Fred short for Frederick? Why the fuck not just go with Rick? I can tell you I sure as shit wouldn’t be writing this post now if he had.

His secretary was named Donna Mills. I kid you not. If you know who that actress is, you’ve just dated yourself. Like I just did. But if anyone asks, I’m 27. She wasn’t Donna Mills the actress, but she . . . → Read More: The Time I Worked For Fred Krueger and Donna Mills

On The 4th of July I Went To Jail, The Pokey, The Slammer

Kernut — Wed, 07 Jul 2010 02:40:43 +0000

It’s true my dear Kernutties – I Went To Jail 4th of July Weekend.

The pokey, the joint, the big house, the slammer.

The Greybar Hotel.

The Rock (no, not the hot one named Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson).

I was a guest of the state.

Alas, this time I did not commit any crimes (none they know about, anyway).

Fortunately for me (and you) I was allowed to leave. Albeit, after a short tour.

I went on a tour of Alcatraz State Prison for the 4th of July.

You know how I want my blog to be educational for y’all? Well, in the likely unlikely event you find yourself incarcerated, I wanted to share a little prison slang with you…

“Booty Bandits” or “Daddies” – Incarcerated sexual predators who prey on weaker inmates, called “punks.”

“Click up” – Gang term referring to getting along well with a homeboy, not looking for trouble.

“Killing your number” – Prison slang for serving one’s time or getting out on parole.

“Lugger” – Referring to an inmate who smuggles in and possesses contraband and illicit substances.

“Ride with” – Perform favors for a fellow convict, including sexual, in exchange for protection or commissary goods.

“Tits-up” – An inmate who has died.

(Prison Slang courtesy of insideprison.com )

So if you all find yourself in the big house keep your head down and kill your number. Find someone to ride with, or you just might find yourself up against a booty bandit. And click up with your . . . → Read More: On The 4th of July I Went To Jail, The Pokey, The Slammer

4-Hour Workweek by Tim Ferriss

Kernut — Sun, 11 Apr 2010 18:56:51 +0000

In The 4-Hour Workweek Tim Ferriss gives a specific internet business model ANYONE CAN IMPLEMENT. He explains each step in very simple terms, and includes contact information for his preferred vendors and services. . . . → Read More: 4-Hour Workweek by Tim Ferriss

Workforced.com – We are not alone!

Kernut — Sat, 03 Apr 2010 16:29:32 +0000

Workforced.com – This Office Doesn’t Work

People, I’ve found a fellow cube-dweller and sufferer of my cube-shaped bit of hell. My heart it full.

While stalking perusing one of my favorite blogs, Midget Man of Steel’s Mental Poo, I read his interview with Don Joe from Workforced.com. Comic GENIUS – both of them. Certifiable yes, but genius.

I trotted on over to Workforce.com, an office comedy blog, and immediately realized I had found a comrade: A fellow sufferer of the padded, square-shaped hell. We are not alone.

What he wrote about one of his colleagues bringing around their newborn brought tears of laughter to my eyes – Where The Son Doesn’t Shine.

The man is now on my Blogroll: Funnier Bloggers.

Life In Malibu – Celebrity Encounters

Kernut — Tue, 23 Mar 2010 01:18:02 +0000

Malibu Colony #63 from the deck... this was my favorite spot to sit, and where I was when Rob Reiner tried to talk to me. I'm so lame. Sorry Rob. Love your movies!

Several years ago I transferred to Malibu to work as Marc Andreessen’s Estate Manager, overseeing care of the property in the Malibu Colony and managing the staff. It was a great job, for the most part.

Malibu was pretty, and pretty boring for a single gal. Not much to do so I stirred up some trouble. (You can read a bit about Malibu and one of my more interesting exploits here.) I’ll write about some of the crazier stuff later, like when my parents get tired of reading their kid’s new blog (or just give up on my ever achieving greatness, or providing grandchildren. Ya, like a starving dog with a fat bone…).

So instead, I’m going to gossip about celebrities I saw when I was lived in ‘Bu (“Bu” as the locals call it – ’cause they’re special). It’s a random list of my encounters so don’t get too excited. (The stuff I could sell to tabloids for cubic dollars I’m saving for later.)

Breakfast with Spielberg. My first week in town, I’m about to have breakfast at my favorite restaurant, Marmalade. And who do I get a table next to? Steven Spielberg! – reading a movie outline, no less! I think I scared him a bit because I kept looking over at him, but the picture was SO . . . → Read More: Life In Malibu – Celebrity Encounters

I’m a State-subsidized Cube-dweller

Kernut — Thu, 11 Mar 2010 16:55:06 +0000

The 6’ tall gray cubicle walls are lightly padded for my protection, not unlike the padded cells of a funny-farm. I suspect they are grooming me for transfer to the psych ward. . . . → Read More: I’m a State-subsidized Cube-dweller

Once Upon a Time in Malibu

Kernut — Thu, 18 Feb 2010 04:44:22 +0000

My (Preconceived) Idea of Malibu vs. Reality: You’ve probably seen celebrities profiled on popular shows like TMZ or in the news: They’re always hanging out in Malibu, often getting DUIs, getting into fights, or being "seen with so-and-so". This lead to my first preconceived idea: Malibu is a hotspot of celebrity activity! . . . → Read More: Once Upon a Time in Malibu