Zombies, RV Life, and Random Craziness
Pimpin my affiliates… Seriously, this blog can not survive on my writing alone.
|
By Kernut, on September 6th, 2012% 
It’s in town because I made the Squirrel Circus here. No, this isn’t another story about that ex-boyfriend who went off to join the circus. You’re welcome.
This really is about squirrels I got to jump through hoops, sort of. It’s more like running through tubes and boxes than jumping through hoops, but close enough.
At the state park I’m camped at, my volunteer job (in exchange for free RV parking) is to sell permits, help customers, stock shelves, tidy up the place, etc. In the down time I started building a Squirrel Obstacle Course.
No lie.
When Park Officials come to check how the park is doing, I tell them it’s our Squirrel Enrichment Program.
One asked if I had a degree in Animal Psychology.
BWAAHAHAHAAA
The squirrel acrobats are: PeeWee (a tame-ish female, currently pregnant again, and mother of at least one of the following squirrels), Jr. (aka “Hangin’” <— The name the Rangers gave him. I would *never* refer to a squirrel by his well-endowed status. Yeah, right.), Rocky (a male, very skittish, not well-endowed), and Cinnamon (a female, also very skittish).
The Squirrel Obstacle Course/Habitrail is perched on a picnic table, right in front of the office entrance. You can’t miss it when you walk in.
The Squirrel Obstacle Course in an early phase. That’s a squirrel in the cantilevered tube on the right.
As you can see it’s made from used drink bottles and cardboard boxes. And a LOT of tape.
It’s my pride and joy.
If . . . → But wait, there’s more! : The Squirrel Circus is in town.
By Kernut, on August 30th, 2011% If you’ve been here more than once you know I’m probably not what most people call “normal”. I tend to do crazy things, or end up in odd situations, things that just don’t seem to happen to “normal” folks. Like the job I had where I drew schematics for nuclear power plants. Or the time I was rescued by Martin Sheen. Or when I dated exiled royalty. I could go on but then you’d just think I was certifiable.
Nevertheless, people that don’t read this blog asked me to play a normal person (well, they called it “playing myself”, but I know what they meant) in a television commercial.
Holy Famosity Batman! It’s true my dear Kernutties, I’m going to be on TV!
And not on an episode of COPS.
I can hardly believe it myself.
Playing “myself”, the first customer at their new store, I recently filmed a 60-second commercial spot for the dealership where I bought my RV. (I really was the first customer at their new location.) The commercial spot is online now at Best of the Bay and will air in September on KRON or ION (September 18 at 10:30 am?). Follow the link to see how much I need a facelift. There are several spots on the website, I’m in the first and last, maybe others.
But wait! There’s more! (‘and it comes with an amazing Ginsu knife…’)
If you don’t share this story, zombies will get you. (Just a . . . → But wait, there’s more! : I’m Not a Normal Person, But I Play One on TV
By Kernut, on December 14th, 2010% When we left off in part 2, Martin Sheen and I were parked with driver’s-side windows together, our cars blocking the small neighborhood street. Meanwhile, the stalker in the white pickup was slowly coming up behind my car, most likely realizing I’d just obtained A-list mother-fucking help.
Oh, …and we learned that I’m as bright as a cliff-jumping lemming when panicked.
As the white pickup approaches our cars, he pulls over to the side of the road as – if waiting for me to finish my conversation – so he can then continue on with terrorizing me.
Martin says to me, “Turn your car around and pull up behind me. I got through to the Sheriff’s office and they’re going to meet us at the old Malibu station.” He said ‘US’ !!! Yay Martin!
(It’s important to note two things here: A, The police agreed to come out for Martin Sheen – not when it was just little old, not-famous me calling, but for Martin. And B, The lazy cops still only agreed to meet us so far – at a station closed years before, in an empty parking lot about 15 minutes away from where we were now.)
I do as Martin says, and the stalker also starts to maneuver his car as if readying to make a u-turn like I did.
But then Martin Sheen, A-list megastar and rescuer of blond-haired lemmings, starts yelling at the stalker!!
*swoon* (somewhere a lemming just fainted)
Martin to stalker: “Hey! What are you doing . . . → But wait, there’s more! : Martin Sheen To My Rescue (conclusion)
By Kernut, on September 20th, 2010% The cop goes to uncuff him, but he can’t find his handcuff key. It’s gone. Totally lost. He asks if I have mine. Nope. Didn’t expect to be doing the handcuffing on this one. Plus my key was taken away from me. But that’s another story. So the cop leaves me alone in the apartment with the handcuffed BIG dude. Who could head-butt me to death with one blow. Who is innocent of skipping bail. But not cop-killing. . . . → But wait, there’s more! : Cuff Em Danno
By Kernut, on August 4th, 2010% 
A Boiling Water Reactor schematic. This one is SOOO much cooler than the black and white schematics we fixed. Ours were just Xerox copies.
General Electric builds boiling water reactors (BWR), a type of nuclear power plant. I drew fixed the seriously degraded schematics that trained the new power plant employees.
No, I’m not a nuclear scientist. I’m not an electrician. I had skills as a pen and ink artist. That’s it.
Yes, that should scare you.
No, I was not an exception. None of us working there had any experience in nuclear power or electrical backgrounds.
My step-mother wrote the technical documents that went with the schematics. She didn’t have any experience in nuclear power or electronics either.
Oh, I almost forgot – I was a teenager.
AND they gave me a fairly high security clearance.
HA! So much for thorough background checks.
On the news this morning they mentioned there’s a new computer worm specifically designed to attack nuclear power plants and utilities. Stuxnet is the name of the malicious software. (Industrial Virus Revives Power Grid Hacking Fears.)
Really Hackers/Terrorists? It’s totally lame of you to have wasted all that time developing some software – one that has been detected, mind you. All you had to do was send some kid down there to apply for a job. Any job.
I was a teenager with no real skills. This was my first real job that wasn’t babysitter or Radio Shack clerk. (Supposedly, drinking doesn’t count as a skill. Whatever.) I started out . . . → But wait, there’s more! : I Had Da Powers – Nuclear, That Is
By Kernut, on August 1st, 2010% 
There's a spy among us.
I spied. A lot. I waited outside houses, often for hours at a time, waiting for him to leave. I followed him work, to his girlfriend’s house, to the dentist, to the grocery store, you name it.
Like a shadow, I followed him everywhere.
I was a Private Investigator.
You thought I meant FBI or CIA? Nope. Too crazy. (Me, not the government. Never the government.)
What? Oohhh, you thought I was a stalker?! No, not that either.
When you get paid to do it, it’s not called stalking.
Someone once described private investigation as 94% boredom and 6% pure adrenalin. They’re absolutely right. It’s the 6% adrenalin that makes up for standing in line all day at some courthouse waiting to pull court documents on the subject, then only to read how he got busted for being a loser (hitting his girlfriend, stealing, etc). Or for waiting for hours watching someone’s house and they never leave.
All day long. Not once do they go out. zzzzzzzz
But the 6% pure adrenalin makes up for all that. Like when you get the dirt on your subject: you get the photos of the suspected activity, you get the information the client was hoping wasn’t really there, you get to follow them somewhere. Anywhere, really. That’s fun.
About 60% of the cases were what we called “domestics”: a husband or wife wanting to know what the spouse was up to. I’m often asked the gender ratio of clients: Almost half . . . → But wait, there’s more! : I Spied
By Kernut, on July 13th, 2010% Do you think he means a 'blow job' at the salon for that hair??
Recently learning Herman Munster is alive and well and selling real estate, reminded me of one of the many jobs I had.
I said job I had, not gave. sheesh No, not had as in got, either. Remember, I’m a woman – I give them I don’t …oh, never mind.
Where was I? Oh, yeah.. jobs.
The kind you get paid for.
Oh ferfuckssake.
I was fairly young at the time I went to work for this insurance company. My boss was named Fred Krueger. I could not making this up if I tried, people. To separate himself from Freddy Krueger The Slasher, he insisted we called him Fred. Just Fred Krueger.
Yeah, that worked well. Calling him Fred totally made me forget his name WAS IDENTICAL TO THE INFAMOUS SLASHER FLICK DUDE.
If you don’t share this story, zombies will get you. (Just a . . . → But wait, there’s more! : The Time I Worked For Fred Krueger and Donna Mills
By Kernut, on July 6th, 2010% It’s true my dear Kernutties – I Went To Jail 4th of July Weekend.
The pokey, the joint, the big house, the slammer.
The Greybar Hotel.
The Rock (no, not the hot one named Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson).
I was a guest of the state.
Alas, this time I did not commit any crimes (none they know about, anyway).
Fortunately for me (and you) I was allowed to leave. Albeit, after a short tour.
I went on a tour of Alcatraz State Prison for the 4th of July.
#gallery-1 { margin: auto; } #gallery-1 .gallery-item { float: left; margin-top: 10px; text-align: center; width: 25%; } #gallery-1 img { border: 2px solid #cfcfcf; } #gallery-1 .gallery-caption { margin-left: 0; } Alcatraz Cruises Coit Tower and Cable Car. A beautiful day in San Francisco. Alcatraz State Prison Guard tower. Guard cage. The guards! were locked in for eight hours. Al Capone’s cell – number 181. In jail A beautiful view of San Francisco.
You know how I want my blog to be educational for y’all? Well, in the likely unlikely event you find yourself incarcerated, I wanted to share a little prison slang with you…
If you don’t share this story, zombies will get you. (Just a . . . → But wait, there’s more! : On The 4th of July I Went To Jail, The Pokey, The Slammer
By Kernut, on April 11th, 2010% In The 4-Hour Workweek Tim Ferriss gives a specific internet business model ANYONE CAN IMPLEMENT. He explains each step in very simple terms, and includes contact information for his preferred vendors and services. . . . → But wait, there’s more! : 4-Hour Workweek by Tim Ferriss
By Kernut, on April 3rd, 2010%
Workforced.com – This Office Doesn’t Work
People, I’ve found a fellow cube-dweller and sufferer of my cube-shaped bit of hell. My heart it full.
While stalking perusing one of my favorite blogs, Midget Man of Steel’s Mental Poo, I read his interview with Don Joe from Workforced.com. Comic GENIUS – both of them. Certifiable yes, but genius.
I trotted on over to Workforce.com, an office comedy blog, and immediately realized I had found a comrade: A fellow sufferer of the padded, square-shaped hell. We are not alone.
What he wrote about one of his colleagues bringing around their newborn brought tears of laughter to my eyes – Where The Son Doesn’t Shine.
The man is now on my Blogroll: Funnier Bloggers.
If you don’t share this story, zombies will get you. (Just a little.)
|
Zombie Apocalypse, Military, and Obamanation T-shirts, Mugs, and More!
Graphic Details of Intimate Moments Gift Cards and Toys
“Like” me on Facebook. It will keep the zombies away. Maybe.
|
Graphic Details of Intimate Moments – Sex Blog
Toys for Adults
Don’t follow me, I’m probably lost.