August 2010 - Kernut the Blond

Zombie Attack Plan – Got One?

By Kernut, on August 28th, 2010%

This is what they look like. Keep an eye out. No, not like an eye out of your head, just look for them.

Serious studies have been undertaken by scientists on the likelihood of civilization’s survival in the event of a Zombie Apocalypse.

I’m not making this up, people. Several scientific (?) groups have undertaken Zombology, the study of zombies, postulating the outcome of a zombie attack, and general zombie-preparedness. Finally, your tax dollars at work for something useful. Be proud your government cares so much for your survival they conducted zombie-attack scenarios on your behalf.

The studies agree zombies will be smarter, just like in the movies. Fifty years ago zombies were slow and not too bright, but now they’re quick, and resourceful tool users. Unfortunately, the studies don’t all agree on our survival: Some say civilization as we know it will survive, while others say we will all become zombies or die. This is not helpful.

A very conscientious friend sent me this Zombie Bite Calculator. He’s obviously concerned about the impending Zombie Apocalypse.

After a few quick questions, it calculated the length of time I’ll live after incurring a zombie bite before becoming infected. I’ll have an estimated 65 minutes. This is very useful information.

Now all I need is a “I’ve got 65 minutes to live” plan.

So I began to search Zombie Attack Survival Plans, of course. I found this quiz: Would You Survive A Zombie Attack?

My test results:

Would you survive a zombie . . . → Read More: Zombie Attack Plan – Got One?

Tiny Houses and The Great Wanderlust

By Kernut, on August 22nd, 2010%

Sunset cruise on the Princess Monterey. It helped, but just enough to get me through the week.

From Mega Yachts to Tiny Houses.

This blog all over the place.

But if you’ve read at least three posts here, you already knew that. Besides, I wouldn’t know how/where to categorize this whole blog, given the limited options provided by Google and Yahoo.

Whatever. Their loss.

Actually, “Whatever” might just be the perfect category.

But I digress. Yet again.

Lately I’ve had this sense of unrest, this sense of needing to GO. Go where, I don’t know, but just to GO. Somewhere, almost anywhere, really.

I have a bad case of wanderlust. This happens to me quite regularly. I do love my wanderlust, it takes me to the most interesting places, on some interesting journeys, and fun adventures.

But it won’t be ignored. Like an intense craving, or more like being pulled towards something. I HAVE to go. I can stave it off for a month or so by spending a day or three at the coast, either Monterey or Santa Barbara. For years that has been enough.

But not anymore. It seems my wanderlust has grown stronger. A trip to the coast only seems to stave it off or a week or two rather than a month or two. Now it calls to me ALL. THE. TIME. Three months ago it was already calling me constantly when I mentioned it in Panic Much? FEAR = F*ck Everything And Run. I still . . . → Read More: Tiny Houses and The Great Wanderlust

A Mega Yacht in Larry's Backyard

By Kernut, on August 19th, 2010%

Mega Yacht "A". This picture makes the 394 foot yacht look small, but if you look closely you can see a tiny, little boat in front of it. There are about 6 people in that little boat.

The BIG local news is all about this Mega Yacht, the “A”, owned by 38 year-old Russian Billionaire Andrey Melnichenko, that’s currently anchored off the coast of Sausalito (near San Francisco).

There are three pools, one with a glass bottom viewable in the dance room below, and doorknobs worth $40,000 on the ship. Entry to the master suite (all 2,500 square feet) is by finger print recognition. There is also a special “nookie” room. This is my kind of man! The mega yacht is 394 feet in length, and worth a mere $300 million, but it’s only the 12th largest in the world. It is smaller in size to Larry Ellison’s (local celebrity of Oracle fame/billions), Larry has a reputation in these parts (and also Malibu) as being somewhat of an ass.

I love the fact that Andrey has parked his mega yacht in Larry’s back yard, so to speak. Hah. Yay Andrey!

Mega Yacht Eclipse. My new home.

Eclipse, the world’s largest mega yacht an estimated at 538 feet in length, is owned by another young Russian billionaire Roman Abramovich. This beauty has two helicopter pads, you know in case you want to go to a different port than others on the yacht. Like the “A”, much of the glass is bullet proof. . . . → Read More: A Mega Yacht in Larry’s Backyard

Q & A Sexionnaire

By Kernut, on August 16th, 2010%

Questions and Answers. The answers may or may not be accurate.

Before I start, let me just tell you all this is the only question I’ve received in months. Months. Ummm, is anyone still out there?

Anonymous Question: Do you still enjoy ALL the actions of sex?

Answer: Ok, so I have to wonder why you said ‘still’. Do I somehow seem old? Past my prime? My picture may be a bit airbrushed, but it is not old. ‘Still’ implies I am past a certain age of enjoying the pleasures in life, and there has been, or will be, a decline in my level of enjoyment. Let me assure you there has been no decline, nor do I see one in the future. I’m just as randy as ever.

In answer to the second part where you emphasize the word ‘ALL’… that’s a pretty big category there. ‘ALL’ could include actions like hardcore S&M (cutting, biting, knife play), orgies, or a whole host of other things. I don’t enjoy those mentioned above, so I guess the answer is no, I do not enjoy ‘ALL’ the actions of sex. While I’m not ‘vanilla’, I’m not all spice, either.

Thank you for the question! I blog live for your questions and comments. Feel free to ask me more questions. Anytime. Really. PLEASE? (The form is just to the left of this post. Sending me tickets to Hawaii is not a requirement. But it’s a nice thought.)

If you don’t share this story, zombies will . . . → Read More: Q & A Sexionnaire

Not At BlogHer – Live Blogging From LA

By Kernut, on August 7th, 2010%

Not LA, but I was chilly in this picture. This is probably what I look like right now since the weather in LA is cold.

Hello My Dear Kernutties from sunny cloudy Los Angeles!

Since I’m #NotAtBlogHer (and totally jealous of all the blogalicious gals who went), I’m doing this. Yay for you! I’m hoping to do live tweets from my trip to LA this weekend. But my phone isn’t a “smart phone”, it’s only of average intelligence. If it doesn’t work, you won’t see any tweets below. They may instead be above. Crap, I just realized that.

Or maybe you don’t see any tweets because I was kidnapped by a hot knight/swarthy pirate/romantic gentleman. (Hey, one can dream. Don’t judge.) But per chance I am really kidnapped, use this picture on the missing poster, ok? You will make a missing poster for me, right? Right? Hello? (UPDATED 8/9/10: My tweets did not come through. In the words of Wicked Shawn, le sigh. I will recreate the awesome tweets here tonight.)

4:41:33 AM: Up at 0-dark-hundred to drive an hour to meet the charter bus to LA. I hope this live blogging is working. #NotatBlogHer

7:35:33 AM: ok it appears live blogging on kernut.com is not working right for this noob… None of my AWESOME tweets came thru. (THIS is the only tweet, besides the opening/title that posted to my blog. WTF??)

8:27:33 AM: One the bus to LA with crazy people. (pic here Twitpic didn’t work either . . . → Read More: Not At BlogHer – Live Blogging From LA

6 comments - (Comments are closed) Humor, Travel, Twitter Is Sucking Me In Live Blogging Through Twitter, Twitter, Twitter Owns My Soul

I Had Da Powers - Nuclear, That Is

By Kernut, on August 4th, 2010%

A Boiling Water Reactor schematic. This one is SOOO much cooler than the black and white schematics we fixed. Ours were just Xerox copies.

General Electric builds boiling water reactors (BWR), a type of nuclear power plant. I drew fixed the seriously degraded schematics that trained the new power plant employees.

No, I’m not a nuclear scientist. I’m not an electrician. I had skills as a pen and ink artist. That’s it.

Yes, that should scare you.

No, I was not an exception. None of us working there had any experience in nuclear power or electrical backgrounds.

My step-mother wrote the technical documents that went with the schematics. She didn’t have any experience in nuclear power or electronics either.

Oh, I almost forgot – I was a teenager.

AND they gave me a fairly high security clearance.

HA! So much for thorough background checks.

On the news this morning they mentioned there’s a new computer worm specifically designed to attack nuclear power plants and utilities. Stuxnet is the name of the malicious software. (Industrial Virus Revives Power Grid Hacking Fears.)

Really Hackers/Terrorists? It’s totally lame of you to have wasted all that time developing some software – one that has been detected, mind you. All you had to do was send some kid down there to apply for a job. Any job.

I was a teenager with no real skills. This was my first real job that wasn’t babysitter or Radio Shack clerk. (Supposedly, drinking doesn’t count as a skill. Whatever.) I . . . → Read More: I Had Da Powers – Nuclear, That Is

11 comments - (Comments are closed) Jobs I Had, WTF? Office life

I Spied

By Kernut, on August 1st, 2010%

There's a spy among us.

I spied. A lot. I waited outside houses, often for hours at a time, waiting for him to leave. I followed him work, to his girlfriend’s house, to the dentist, to the grocery store, you name it.

Like a shadow, I followed him everywhere.

I was a Private Investigator.

You thought I meant FBI or CIA? Nope. Too crazy. (Me, not the government. Never the government.)

What? Oohhh, you thought I was a stalker?! No, not that either.

When you get paid to do it, it’s not called stalking.

Someone once described private investigation as 94% boredom and 6% pure adrenalin. They’re absolutely right. It’s the 6% adrenalin that makes up for standing in line all day at some courthouse waiting to pull court documents on the subject, then only to read how he got busted for being a loser (hitting his girlfriend, stealing, etc). Or for waiting for hours watching someone’s house and they never leave.

All day long. Not once do they go out. zzzzzzzz

But the 6% pure adrenalin makes up for all that. Like when you get the dirt on your subject: you get the photos of the suspected activity, you get the information the client was hoping wasn’t really there, you get to follow them somewhere. Anywhere, really. That’s fun.

About 60% of the cases were what we called “domestics”: a husband or wife wanting to know what the spouse was up to. I’m often asked the gender ratio of clients: Almost . . . → Read More: I Spied

3 comments - (Comments are closed) Adventures, Jobs I Had Crazy Jobs I Had