Sex in Carson City: My Trip to The Brothels - UPDATE

Sex In Carson City and The 11 Things I Learned About Brothels

Have you ever been to a brothel? Of course you have! Well I have, too. Three, actually. All on the same day.

I’m a studdette like that.

(Disclaimer: This post is PG-17, but some links are R. Probably not safe for work if you work in an uptight hole like I do. If you’re hoping this post will end in sex, I’m sorry to disappoint you. No, really, I am sorry. It means I didn’t get any. Feel free to keep reading, or leave and Google “porn”. There, I did it for you ’cause I’m helpful. No hard feelings. Oh, umm, ya. Never mind.)

Of course this was in Nevada, home to Las Vegas, the brightest city in the world. Or the horniest. Their real slogan: ‘What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas’.

Thank goodness for that!

Lucky for you we were in Reno. Their slogan: ‘The Biggest Little City in The World’.

Huh.

And we were also in Carson City. Their slogan… well, they don’t have one. Let’s come up with one, shall we? How about ‘Carson City: The Gals Are Pretty, But Not Free’.

Hmmm, doesn’t quite trip off the tongue, does it? We’ll come back to that one later.

Every September Reno, NV hosts Street Vibrations, the Harley Davidson ride in. Bikers from all over the country ride in to Reno and take over the town. It’s a hot and sweaty good time surrounded by leather, chrome, and a LOT of testosterone. Everything a gal could want. I have had a intense lust penchant for bad boys on bikes.

*puuurrrrrrr*

Oh, sorry. Where was I?

During this event is the ONE DAY out of the entire year the state of Nevada allows tours of the cat houses. Many of the visiting bikers go on a long ride (called a ‘run’, for all the non-bikers out there) from Reno to Carson City to Virginia City and back, stopping at the many brothels along the way. They call this ride the “Brothel Run”.

Seeing as how we were in Nevada, home to the sparkly, sequined, surgically enhanced, and overly lit up awesomeness that is Las Vegas, I was expecting to see something similar in Carson City: Big blinking neon billboards featuring scantily-clad, well-endowed gals pointing the way to the nearest brothel: A tall, shiny, architecturally elaborate building on the outside, and dark and romantic inside.

And more importantly, I’ve seen them on TV: Brothels are always lavish establishments decorated with plush velvet-covered furniture, antique lamps, a dark wood bar, and scores of beautiful, happy women lounging around the lobby in lacy lingerie.

Always.

If it’s on TV, you know it must be true.

We went to the Kit Kat Ranch, The Sagebrush, and The Bunny Ranch. There were no billboards, except for a piece of white plywood with some dark lettering indicating the next turn was ours. So much for the blinking neon signs. As we turned onto the road where all three houses lay, it became dirt and gravel.

Dirt. And. Gravel.

Huh. Paving must cost more than I thought.

The cul-du-sac in front of the houses was paved. Whew! I was worried for a minute.

Then the brothels come into view. They look like three tract homes. Really run down tract homes. Additions had been added without any consideration to the original architectural design (not that there was much to begin with) of the home, and possibly without benefit of building permits. I’m just saying some walls may not have been plumb. The paint was peeling, and there were no front yards. Each was surrounded by a tall metal fence, either chain link, or wrought iron.

(This visit was a few years ago, before they got the TV show on HBO. I don’t know what, if anything, has changed but I’d bet HBO threw money at them. Ok, I just did Google Street View !!! (love that shit!) of the spot, and here’s what’s changed: Not much. They got a real road, a couple cheesy signs, the places are all painted, and may have had a little remodeling, too. Oh, and the fences all match now. Overall, it looks a bit better with the paint and pavement, but still funky. You just know HBO paid to pimp out the Pimp houses.)

Back to my visit…

These FAMOUS brothels, the-I’ve-seen-some-in-the-movies-so-I-know-what-they-should-look-like, these houses of ill repute… looked like nothing more than ill houses. Like very old homes in a very economically depressed town.

*bubble bursts*

I thought hooking and pimping paid better? (Note to self: find another back-up career plan in case the blogging doesn’t pay.)

Moving on.

We entered the first, I think it was the Sagebrush. This was the largest house and giving the “big tour”. The décor was dark and plush but in an early 1980’s idea of what a plush brothel might have looked like – back then. I’m saying they hadn’t changed the décor since circa 1980 – and it looked really shabby, like a lot of sex had happened on it.

We went into the bar to wait for the next tour. I swear to you folks, it reeked of cat pee. I could not make this up. No, no, I’m not saying the cat house gals peed on the floor – I mean real cats peed on the floor. A lot, if the stench was any indicator.

Finally we got a tour with about 25 other inquiring minds, and got away from the cat pee. We were allowed to ask questions. (If only The Bloggess had been there! I can’t even imagine how funny she could make this shit. Jenny – Road trip?) It’s not all pretty, people – forget your Hollywood idea of brothels… here’s what I learned:

1.) They have Pleasure Menus! I found this fascinating and absolutely hilarious. I treasure them as priceless souvenirs. (NOT kidding.) That’s Cheezy Americana at it’s finest.

2.) As I mentioned, this is the one day the state allows tours of the back rooms. What that really means is this is the only day of the year women, unless they are employees of the brothel, are allowed to go to the back of the house (where the magic happens), or be in the gals rooms – even if the woman is a paying customer.

Weird state law. But they’ve legalized prostitution, so we can’t hold too much against them.

3.) If the woman is paying to be with one of the brothel gals, they have to use the “party room” – a large room near the front of the house, not unlike a kinky 1970′s living room, that is used for couples, orgies, and any female customers.

4.) Prices are negotiable. That’s why there aren’t any printed on the menus. The prettier the gal, the more she costs. The uglier you are, the more she costs.

5.) The gals rooms are REALLY small, about 10′ x 8′. There is only enough room for a double bed, a small desk, and a nightstand. The décor is Motel 6, circa 1980. The bedspreads were old and not at all appealing. I asked my male friend, who is a frequent paying customer occasionally visits these establishments, about the lack of aesthetics and atmosphere of the building and rooms. He looked at me as if I was crazy. He said, “Men don’t care about that stuff! At all.” ??? Well, I’ve been going about it all wrong. No wonder I’m single.

6.) The gals get tested by a doctor on a weekly basis. Some idiot in the crowd asked, “What for?”. The room went absolutely silent. ‘I don’t know, Genius, maybe they’re tested on their knowledge of algebra’. Let’s hope he’s not breeding.)

7.) A very small percentage of the gals looked “hot”… maybe five out of the 60 I saw. The five all had one thing in common: Youth. Unlike their younger coworkers, the additional 5-25 years had taken a toll on the rest of the gals. They were heavier, chain smoking, and unhappy. (huh, sounds familiar somehow…)

I guess if you had to put out for every asshole with a $5 and a hard-on, you’d probably look unhappy, too.

8.) Like the TV portrayal, they were all in lingerie. Many should not have been. Lingerie is not for everyone. No that’s wrong. Lingerie comes in many sizes and should properly fit it’s wearer.

9.) The fences surrounding the houses are not to keep overly amorous men out, but rather to keep the gals in. Again, not. making. this. up.

10.) The gals can only go out in groups, with a chaperone (a non-hooker, female employee). If they want their nails done, their hair done, to go shopping, or whatever, it’s in a group outing.

11.) There are no male hookers at these brothels. You know we asked! This answer wasn’t enough – we wanted to know why. There are a couple “all male” brothels, but they cater to men. None cater specifically to women. WTF??

This is discrimination. I’m going to lodge a complaint.

Here’s a link to Live It, Love It’s TMI Thursdays. Awesome sauce! This is the last hurrah, but the archives are still good.

UPDATE July, 2010: Ok, I finally saw an episode of Cathouse: The Series. The rooms are totally “pimped out” AND much larger than when I was there several years ago, before they got the HBO show. The gals in the show looked A LOT happier than the ones I saw during the tour. Also, I saw the girl-on-girl action Maxie mentions in the comments. I have no idea how they got around the state law, but maybe it’s changed? There were a few paragraphs of disclaimers at the end of the show – and I couldn’t read them before they flashed off. Not sure if that info would clear it up.